Jace had a right to be angry. She didn’t refute that. But he hadn’t even given her a chance to explain. He’d been so furious. And then he’d reminded her that he owned the apartment. That she was there due to his generosity. He’d reminded her that she had nothing. Nothing but the hopelessness of their situation.
He didn’t trust her. He’d hammered that point home to her over and over. And she couldn’t exist in a relationship where he suspected the worst at every turn. She’d never be able to overcome that. No matter how hard she tried, how much she gave to him, she’d never get to a place where she had his trust.
She wasn’t even sure why she was back. But she needed her things. She’d take some of the clothing. Certainly not all of it, but she knew she needed the coat. And the jeans and the shirts. She could take the food she’d bought for Jack and then maybe wait for him to come back. Had he already been back? Had she missed him?
At least they’d have something to eat for the next while. She could check with the shelters she frequented and maybe, just maybe, one would have a bed.
Or maybe she should just call Jace. Try to explain. He deserved that much at least. He needed to know why she could never turn her back on Jack. She’d never fully explained. Never shared that part of herself.
Would he understand? Could he possibly understand?
But what good would it do if he was never going to trust her?
When she trudged into the entrance of her apartment building, the doorman looked alarmed. She waved off his concern and headed for the elevator, only wanting to be somewhere warm and dry, even if it was temporary.
There had to be a way to fix this. Jace was the best thing in her life. The only thing that was good and untarnished. She didn’t want Jack’s problems to touch Jace. Jace didn’t deserve that. He deserved someone without the stains she carried on her soul. Somebody he could trust fully. And maybe she didn’t even blame him for the seeds of mistrust that had been planted. She wanted his trust, wanted him to have faith in her, but in reality, with all he knew of her, was it even reasonable that he’d trust her so readily?
A wave of sadness overwhelmed her. She didn’t want to be the person she’d been for so long. She wanted to be someone worthy of love and trust. She wanted someone to believe in her. She’d thought Jace could be that person. She’d been wrong.
She let herself into her apartment and went into the kitchen, intent on making some hot cocoa. When she opened the cabinet where the mugs were kept, her gaze lighted on the bottle of pills Jack had left. For the longest moment she simply stared. And then as if she were in a daze, her hand slowly reached out, her fingers curling around the plastic bottle.
She brought it down and set it on the counter in front of her. One pill. Just one. It would make things more manageable. It would transport her to a warmer, happier place. It would give her a sense of well-being. It would give her confidence and a much-needed boost so she could make decisions.
It would take her away from the awful reality she was facing. And it would get her through her impending confrontation with Jace.
Before she could think better of it, she opened the bottle with shaking hands and shook out a pill. Or should she take two? It had been a while. Forever, it seemed, since she’d taken any. One would probably knock her on her ass. Two might just knock her out. Period.
She put the second back in the pill bottle and then threw the other one into her mouth. She grabbed a glass and filled it with water, brought it to her lips and filled her mouth with enough liquid to swallow the pill. And froze.
Oh God, oh God. What was she doing?
She spit the water and the pill forcefully into the sink, gripping the edges as sobs welled from her chest. What had she almost done?
Angrily, she grabbed the bottle and dumped all the pills down the drain, running water to wash them down. Then she flung the now empty bottle across the kitchen, listening as it clattered on the floor. Then she buried her face in her hands and wept.
Oh God, she couldn’t do this. Not again. Never again.
She had to end it now. This wasn’t good for her. If this was what her relationship with Jace drove her to, she had to end it now. She couldn’t do this to herself. Not after having worked so hard for so long to clean her life up and to break her addiction.
She might not have much, but at least her life meant something now.
Without changing, she bolted for the door, knowing she had to see Jace now before she lost her courage. She had to end it, tell him she was moving from the apartment. She had to confront him and end it face-to-face.
She wouldn’t leave him to wonder her fate or what she was doing. She would go to his apartment and she’d tell him she was gone. And then she’d go back to her life. It may not be the best life, but it was one she could live with her pride and sanity intact.
Remembering she had no cash left, she went back to the drawer and pulled it all out. What was left after the cab fare she’d give back to Jace. She wouldn’t take more from him than she had to. Then, remembering Jack’s backpack still on the couch, she yanked it over her shoulder before exiting the apartment.
When she hit the lobby, the doorman looked alarmed.
“Miss Willis, where are you going? I think it would be better if you waited here.”
She ignored him and plunged back into the cold to hail a cab.
• • •
“Where is she?” Jace demanded as soon as he entered Bethany’s apartment building.
The doorman sighed. “I tried to call you again, sir. She came back. That’s when I called you the first time. But she came back down just a few minutes later. I tried to stop her. She was soaked through and she hadn’t changed from when she’d been out before. She looked upset.”
Jace closed his eyes and swore long and hard. “You have no idea where she was going?”
He glanced outside at the sheets of rain mixed with ice that pelted the sidewalks. His stomach dropped as he imagined Bethany out there. Cold. Upset. Alone.
She was probably going back to Jack. Precious fucking Jack.
God, but he’d fucked up badly. He’d been pissed. He’d unleashed all his fear and fury on Bethany and she’d bolted. Just as he’d been afraid she’d do from the start.
“No, sir. I’m sorry, but she didn’t say anything when she left. She was carrying only a backpack.”
Jace’s blood went cold. He’d kill Jack if Bethany was hurt over this. She was probably going back to Jack, but there was no guarantee Jace would even be able to find her now. It had taken him weeks before. But now? She wouldn’t want him to find her. Before, she hadn’t known he was looking for her. Now she’d be aware that he would be. If she even thought that he cared enough to go after her. He hadn’t given her any reason to believe he would care enough to go after her. That gutted him the most.
Now she was out there on the goddamn streets, carrying a fortune in illegal drugs. People had been killed for a hell of a lot less.
He pinned the doorman with a tired stare. “If she comes back, you sit on her if you have to. You do not let her leave again. Understand?”
The doorman nodded. “Yes, sir. I’ll do my best.”
His shoulders sagging, Jace turned toward the door, wondering where the hell to look for Bethany next. His cell rang as he was about to step into the rain and he pulled back, lifting his phone. He didn’t recognize the number.
“Jace Crestwell,” he said impatiently.
“Mr. Crestwell, sir, she’s here at your apartment building.”
Jace recognized the voice of Roger, his doorman. His pulse sped up and he ducked into the rain, motioning for his car that was parked a short distance away.
“I’ll be right there,” Jace said. “Do not let her go anywhere.”
“You need to hurry, sir,” Roger said in a quieter tone. “She refused when I tried to get her to wait in your apartment. She wouldn’t even wait inside the lobby. She’s outside in the rain and she’s soaked through and shivering.”
“What?”
Jace couldn’t control the fury in his voice.
“Sir, I tried. She’s not right. She’s upset about something. It’s not good. You need to get here fast. I’ll keep an eye on her until you arrive.”
Jace swore and rang off and then directed his driver to get back to his apartment as fast as possible. The entire way, Jace’s chest tightened with dread. He mentally went over what he wanted to say, repeating it in his mind. But somehow it didn’t seem like enough. It seemed lame. What the hell was he supposed to say to the woman he loved, the woman he’d completely and utterly fucked up with?
He sat tense and waiting, dying a little more every time traffic dragged them to a stop. What if he didn’t make it in time? What if he got there and, as was the case when he got to her apartment, she was already gone? Was he doomed to forever chase an elusive dream? He wouldn’t allow himself to think it. Bethany was his. He wouldn’t let her go without fighting for her. Maybe she’d never had someone willing to fight for her, but that was going to change.
Finally the car pulled to a stop. Jace jumped out, in the rain, and strode toward the entrance, his gaze scanning rapidly for Bethany. His heart thumped when he didn’t see her. Maybe the doorman had been able to persuade her to go in. Or maybe she’d left.
He was almost to the entrance when he saw her. His heart damn near stopped when he saw her huddled against the building. She was hunched down, her knees drawn to her chest, water dripping from her hair and clothes, puddling around her on the concrete.
“Bethany.”
Her name came out in a long exhalation, a whispery sound he wasn’t sure she’d even heard. It was all he could get out around the tightness in his chest.
He squatted down and touched her arm. She started, her gaze swinging up to meet his. Her eyes were wide and fearful but most of all they were swamped with grief. Overwhelming emotion welled in their depths. It was like seeing into the darkest recesses of her soul.
He urged her to her feet, wincing at the icy coldness of her hands, her skin. She was chalk white and shivering violently.
“Baby, let’s get you inside.”
His voice was purposely gentle, as soothing as he could make it when his pulse was about to explode out of his temples.
He tried to pull her toward the door but she jerked back, taking a step away from him. Her wounded eyes stared at him, a sheen of tears making them shiny in the glare of streetlights.
“Don’t,” she said in a low voice. “Jace, I can’t. I came here because I owe it to you to say this to your face and not just walk away.”
He held up his hand to stop her because he couldn’t bear for her to complete what he knew was coming. He never wanted to hear those words from her. His heart was about to beat out of his chest and his eyes burned as he stared at the hollowness in hers.
“Baby, please, I need you to listen to me. But I have to get you out of this rain and cold. You’re freezing. You’re going to make yourself ill.”
She shook her head, her arms clutching herself protectively. God, was she scared of him? Had he really made her think he would harm her in any way? He wanted to puke at the thought that she feared violence from him. If only he could have those few minutes in her apartment back.
“No, just listen, Jace. Please. Don’t make this any more difficult. I have to do this before I lose myself. Before I lose what self-respect I’ve managed to gain the last couple of years.”
Her voice ended in a sob and she gulped in breaths of air. She was shivering so hard that it took everything Jace had not to forcibly haul her into his apartment. Only the knowledge that this moment, whatever it was she had to say to him, was the single most important moment in his life. He couldn’t afford to blow it. Not like he’d already done at her apartment.
“Tell me,” he urged.
Tears now ran unchecked down her cheeks, mixing with the rain pelting her face. Her hair was plastered to the sides of her face and clung wetly to her body. Raindrops glistened on her eyelashes, outlining beautiful, haunted eyes.
She was the most beautiful thing in his world and he was perilously close to losing her.
“Jack brought a bottle of pills this morning when he came. He brought them for me.”
Jace’s breath hissed out as rage consumed him. He wanted to track the son of a bitch down and beat the ever-loving hell out of him. How could he be so careless when it came to Bethany? A woman he was supposed to care about. And Bethany couldn’t see that Jack was bad news. Very bad news. Her vision of him was locked in the past.
“I told him I didn’t want them. I never want them. He was trying to help me. In the past, I would have taken them. I would have done anything for them. But not now. I’m better than that. But then you came and we had that terrible argument and you reminded me that I have nothing.”
“Oh God, baby, that’s not what I meant,” he choked out. “That’s not what I meant at all.”