I swallowed and looked away.
“Yeah, sorry about there being no furniture,” I said a little acidly, maybe to cover my nerves. “Apparently someone paid to have my floors done.”
“There is such a thing as a gift without strings, Keri Ann,” he said quietly. “Not that I’ve ever received one, but I certainly didn’t expect anything from you for that. I just did it. Without thinking. I could. So I did.” He shrugged, as if it had been the most simple thing in the world. Like buying a cup of coffee. “But, I’m sorry. The last thing I wanted to do was upset you. I understand pride. Trust me.” He laughed, humorlessly.
My heart twisted at his reference to never having been given a gift with no strings. I was such a sap.
He seemed to gear up to say something else, like he was trying to find the right words to explain something. “I want to go and tell everyone to get screwed,” he started. “But I owe them too much. I wouldn’t be where I am today in my career without them. It makes me doubt my ability. But it’s not actually me they care about, I’m alone in this. They care about me being in the right place at the right time, dating the right person,” he looked at me before continuing, “God, I know I’m not making sense to you. I know I tried to explain this before ... ”
I could tell it was hard for him to admit to his vulnerability, but what he was saying was still making me mad. It just screamed weakness. I knew he was better than this. And all I wanted to ask him was, “Did you really call Audrey and tell her you were getting back together?” It was out of my mouth before I could help myself.
He took a deep breath. “Not in the way you mean. She issued a statement publicly apologizing.”
“I know. Jazz read about it.”
He nodded. “It was such a stunt. I haven’t been taking her calls so I guess she got desperate to communicate with me. I should have, we’ve been through so much, I owed her at least a phone call.”
That was up for debate, but I stayed silent.
“I did call her last night, to talk. She didn’t answer. But I guess she took that as a sign I was ready to work on fixing everything.”
So, he didn’t betray me, exactly. “Are you?”
“No. But I’m not sure how to move forward. I called her again tonight. We’re going to be traveling around the world together for the next two months as the publicity tour starts up. We are going to have to be together, we are going to have be seen as being together.”
The emphasis to the word ‘being’ left no doubt in my mind about what it meant. I envisioned photo shoots, red carpets, interviews, public displays of affection ... and shared hotel rooms. Would it be rude if I excused myself to go and be sick?
He stood up and turned to me. I saw goose bumps on his arms as he tried to get warm despite his wet clothes. “That’s what I came here to say, Keri Ann.” His green eyes looked almost black in the dark room. “I came here to apologize. First, for not trusting you and assuming the worst. Second, for letting what we have between us develop into anything. I should never have let it get so far.” His words were stones hitting the bottom of my stomach. “And I know seeing that text from Audrey hurt you.” He grimaced. “I’m sorry. That’s what made me realize how careless I was being.”
Hot shame swarmed over me at the naïve, star-stuck, and broken-hearted little girl he saw me as. And it made me mad as hell. I just didn’t trust myself to say anything. Or move. I wanted to slap his face. And I had never wanted to hit another person in my whole life. Except maybe Joey sometimes. And Jazz. Ok, maybe I did like smacking people.
He wasn’t done though. He ran a hand through his dark wet hair and shook his head, seemingly unaware of the anger and shame thrumming through me.
“Look at us both, too scared to really live and do things the way we want to.”
I snapped and shoved at his chest. “Do you think I just sit here working and struggling because I’m too scared? I’m here because I made a deal. My brother and I only have each other left and we made a deal, it’s his turn. Then it will be mine. Maybe you don’t know what it’s like to make a sacrifice for someone else. I can only assume you made it in your career by always putting yourself first. Well, the rest of the world doesn’t live in your empty vacuum. We have lives, and families, or had,” I amended. “And choices. And we make decisions based on all of those things, not just the ones that put ourselves at the top. Maybe the reason you are so lonely is you never think of anyone else!”
He flinched like I’d followed through on my urge to slap him. I knew I’d gone too far. I hadn’t really meant that. I was just so angry, and the words that streamed from me wanted to cut him and make him feel as bad I did. Punish him for making me feel like a naïve, unambitious girl who wasn’t good enough for him.
To my shame, I suddenly realized, as I had this afternoon up in the attic, that he was right in a way. I had been scared. I was using Joey as an excuse not to do something with my life. I wanted to apologize, but he spoke first.
“You’re wrong,” he said quietly. “I haven’t thought about anyone but you since the moment we met.”
The crackle of the fire was suddenly deafening in the silence between us. Did he really just say that?
“So,” I started, unsure of how to interpret his conflicting words. “So, I still don’t understand.”
His hands came up to the back of his neck again as he looked down at the ground. The action drew my attention to his broad shoulders. Oh, how I wanted those arms wrapped around me. When he looked up again the stark emotion on his face was unlike anything I had seen. I had read books and books about men and women betraying a world of emotions with just one glance. I used to chalk it up to artistic license, but this was really happening. I swallowed.
“Did you mean it today when you said you were sorry you kissed me?” he asked, his eyes searching mine.
Never. I was going to hang onto those memories forever. I managed to shake my head.
“Did you mean it, just now, when you said it was careless?” I responded, barely finding my voice.
“Touché,” he said, his tone low. “I haven’t lied to you, Keri Ann. About anything. When I told you I had never felt this way before I meant it. When you walked out today, I ... it ... ” He bunched a fist up and planted it knuckles down in the center of his chest. “I shouldn’t have let you go. Or maybe I should have, for your sake. I ... shit, this is hard.”
I waited. I was on that freaking tightrope again, except this time someone else was in control of it. I didn’t like it one bit. The hope warring with the hurt in my gut was making me nauseous.
“I guess what I’m asking you, Keri Ann ... is ... knowing what you know, about Audrey, about the contract ... about me ... will you take a chance?”
I wondered if he knew how amazing he looked wet. I mean, what with the sweaty Jack, the paddleboarding Jack, the swimming Jack, and now the rain-soaked Jack, I really wasn’t being given much in the way of strength to say no.
I walked over to the blanket near where he was standing and sat down facing the fire. I hugged my knees to my chest. I needed my hot chocolate. Seeing it on the mantle next to him, I pointed at it.