I had a little more than three weeks left in the center than another six at home for outpatient treatment. Heather had already begun talking to me about joining a support group once I was out. I was still a little hesitant about the idea, I wasn’t a huge fan of the group sessions at the clinic as it was, but I wasn’t completely ruling it out either. I also knew it would be hard to be a consistent attendee of a group once I went back on the road with Jobu’s Rum.
I could not wait to get back to making music with my friends. It was my driving force now. I had been a part of the band for so long, I had forgotten what it was like to not be… and I hated it. I often found myself wondering what the guys were doing, especially Sebastian. I knew that he needed help just like I did. I only hoped that what had happened to me was somewhat of an eye opener for him. I had been scared to ask Cruz about it, but the more I thought about it, the more it began to eat at me. I picked up my phone and typed out a text.
ME: Hey man just thought I’d check in on you and the boys.
CRUZ: Doing good. Hows you Rat boy?
ME: Better every day. I’m writing more music than Jobu’s Rum will know what to do with
CRUZ: Awesome. Can’t wait til ur home
ME: Hows Bastian doin? Plz tell me hes getting some help.
CRUZ: Yeah he got real freaked out after Miami. Hes not in a place or anything but hes seeing someone and he’s been clean as far as I know.
ME: That’s what I wanted to hear. Tell everyone I said what’s up. I’ll see y’all in a couple of months.
CRUZ: Will do. Can’t wait.
An overwhelming feeling of relief came over me after reading Cruz’ texts about Sebastian; everything seemed to be falling into place for me. I had made things right with Scarlett, my friends were getting their shit together and ready for me to return, and the drive to make music was stronger than it had ever been. I was actually starting to believe that I deserved to have things work out for me. Maybe I could learn to love myself after all.
SCARLETT
After I left the center, I couldn’t stop thinking about the things that Heather had said in the session Mason and I had with her, especially the part about learning to love myself. If you had asked me prior to that conversation if I loved myself, my answer would have been “sure I do,” but once I really started thinking about it, I began to question it. Did I love myself? Did I respect myself? Did I truly appreciate the person that I was?
Sighing aloud as those thoughts continued to assault my mind while I sat bored at work, I decided that I was in desperate need of a Chocolate Bar rendezvous with Max. Since we lived together now and talked to each other regularly at the apartment about what was going on in our lives, we had ditched our weekly dates at the dessert shop, but I was in desperate need of some chocolate, a latte, and some good advice. I texted him a message asking if he wanted to meet up there after I got off. He responded quickly, like he always did, that he would see me there.
As soon as I locked up the music store, I headed straight there, anxious to talk to Max about my visits with Mase. Walking through the glass doors, I grinned as I saw him waiting at our old table. Hurriedly, I walked over to him and threw my arms around his neck.
“Well, I’m glad to see you too, sweetheart,” he said with the emphasis on the nickname.
I jokingly gave him a mean face as I sat across the table from him. “Hey assface, so glad you could make it.”
“Assface? Really Scarlett, are you twelve?” He started laughing hard at my comment which in turn made me get the giggles.”
“I have no idea where that came from, but I’m kinda liking it,” I teased. “It suits you.”
“No it doesn’t,” he protested, rubbing his hand over his face. “My face is quite gorgeous, if you haven’t noticed.”
“Nope, haven’t noticed,” I replied, rolling my eyes.
We continued to pick at each other back and forth for several minutes until he finally got serious and asked, “Okay Scarlett, really, why did you text me here? Something’s gotta be up. Talk to me.”
I drew quiet and looked down at my half-eaten chocolate covered twinkie, contemplating just how I went about saying what I needed to say.
Not coming up with any way to ease in the conversation, I looked up at him and blurted out, “I’ve been seeing Mase.”
His back straightened, his eyes got big and he pounded his fist on the table, startling me. “Damn it, what in the world is wrong with you? Why would you cheat on Ash, Scarlett?”
“It… it’s not what you think, Max,” I stuttered. “I didn’t mean like seeing him… I’ve been visiting him in rehab.”
He relaxed a little in his chair, but I could tell he still wasn’t pleased. “I’m guessing you haven’t told Ash.” I shook my head no. “And I’m guessing that’s what you need help with…”
“I don’t know what to say to him to make him understand that we really are just friends, and that things aren’t like they used to be between us.”
Max shook his head and rested his forehead against his palm. “Well my first word of advice is to not start out the convo with ‘I’ve been seeing Mase.’”
I couldn’t help but laugh at how horrible it sounded when he said it. “Yeah, that’s probably not a good idea.”
“Honestly, Scarlett, I’m not really sure what advice to give you. I can tell you that he’s not gonna like it one bit. He thinks that even if you’re intentions are pure and innocent, that Mason’s aren’t… and I can’t really blame him.”
“But we went to therapy together and talked about everything. We got it all out… the past, the things we did wrong… what we want from the future… all of it,” I explained.
He raised his eyebrows and shook his head at me. “You’ve been going to therapy with him? Scarlett, how often have you been to see him?”
“Three times,” I answered. “And today was the first time I had gone to the session with him. But I’m not gonna stop seeing him, Max. He needs a friend and I promised that I would be that for him.”
“I know you mean well, but you have to think about Ash and how all of this will make him feel. I’m sure if the roles were reversed you wouldn’t be gung ho about him being the friendly support for one of his ex-bimbos.” He leaned forward and grabbed my hands again. “Look, I understand that you feel you have to save him, that you feel like this is at least partially your fault, but don’t ruin things with Ash over this. I’m telling you that as a friend. Talk to Ash, see what he says… shit, maybe he’s secure enough in y’all’s relationship that he’ll be okay with it. Just be prepared for an unpleasant reaction, okay sweetheart?”
I shook my head yes. I knew what he said was true, he wasn’t trying to sugar coat any of it. I also knew that I wasn’t going to let Mason down; I had to figure out a way to make everyone happy. “Thanks, Max. I’ll tell him when I see him this weekend.” We left the café together and went back to the apartment, never discussing the situation again.
Two days later, I went to visit Mase again and was pleased to find that the same progressive energy that I had felt when I left on Tuesday afternoon was still flowing freely between us. He was prepared for my arrival this time, it appeared he even styled his now shaggy hair and (gasp) put on socks. I teased him about it and got a kick out of the blush that covered his face.
We spent the afternoon with him trying to teach me how to play Xbox… again. For some reason, I just did not have the hand-eye coordination necessary to play video games. It was way too many buttons and things to pay attention to on the screen. Mase just laughed at my frustration.
“If you can play both the guitar and the piano, figuring out a control stick should be a piece of cake for you,” he said as he ruffled my hair.
I turned around and gave him my mean face as the game to an end. I had two kills and suffered fourteen deaths. That was worse than terrible. “It’s completely different,” I argued. “When playing an instrument, you know what comes next in the song… it’s static; when playing this stupid game, you have to react to what’s going on around you. You can’t pre-plan your actions.”
“I promise you can figure this out, my studious little owl. You just need to practice,” he encouraged me with a smile and a shoulder nudge.
Reminding myself that ten year old kids could play this game, I turned my attention back to the screen and controller and spent the following three hours practicing. Remarkably, at some point while I was playing, it was like a switch went off in my head and I all of a sudden, I was actually pretty decent. Mason got excited for me when he realized that the first two games that I ended up with more kills then deaths wasn’t just a fluke.
“See!” he exclaimed. “I told you that you were smarter than the game.”
Feeling smug with newfound skillset, even if it was mediocre at best, I began running my mouth. “Careful Mase, before you know it, I’ll be kicking your ass as well as Ash and Max’s.”
As soon as Ash and Max’s names crossed my lips, I instantly regretted it. The last thing I wanted to do was to throw either of them in Mason’s face.
I guessed my face showed my remorse because he put his hand on my shoulder and immediately addressed my comment, “Angel, look at me.” I raised my eyes to his, cringing a bit. “You don’t need to feel bad about mentioning either of them. I understand that they are a part of your life, and that if you’re gonna be in mine, so will they. I’m not sure how they feel about me…” He gave me one of his deep-dimpled grins. “Well, I have a pretty good idea, but I’m not gonna let that deter my friendship with you, as long as that’s what you want.”
I smiled meekly in return. “I’ve told Max that I’ve been coming to see you, but not Ash yet. I’m gonna tell him this weekend. I’m really scared that he’s gonna freak.”
He pulled me into a tight hug. “I’m not saying this just because we’re talking about our friendship, but stop letting others make decisions for you. Do what you want to do. Live for Scarlett, no one else. It’s what I’m trying to do too.”
Our bodies broke apart and I couldn’t help but feel a warmth inside me. “I’m not sure if I’ve told you yet, but I’m really proud of you, Mason. I’m proud to be your friend.”
He kissed my forehead and whispered against my skin, “That’s one step closer to my euphoria.”
CHAPTER TEN
Where Did You Sleep Last Night ~ Nirvana
By Your Side ~ Tenth Avenue North
ASH
On that Thursday afternoon, I went home to grab a bite to eat in between my classes and working in the lab. I was sitting at the table, quietly enjoying my favorite cold weather combo, a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup, when I heard the postman on the front porch delivering the daily mail. I jumped up and ran outside to grab the stack of bills and letters. I had been anxiously awaiting the responses from the universities and research groups that I had applied to; I desperately wanted to know where I would be spending the next phase of my life so that I could begin making arrangements. Scarlett was my biggest concern. I refused to leave her, so wherever it was, I needed to convince her to transfer there with me. I knew that asking her to leave Rice, especially after the hurdles she had already faced was a huge request, but I wasn’t going anywhere without her. Unfortunately, I had gone as far as I could possibly go at my current school with my degree in astrophysics, so staying in Houston wasn’t an option.