Then the message ends in a black screen filled with the LLA logo. Damn. That’s powerful stuff. Even I have chills.
CHAPTER 50
Later that night, March and I are in Tarn and Leviter’s guest suite, not just a room, as it has a kitchen-mate and full san facilities. The room is lavishly appointed in neutral natural fabrics, no cheap synth, which means they have money. Guests could closet themselves in here for days—and maybe that’s the point. The convenience reduces the disruption to the household; such efficiency rings of Leviter to me.
When I mention it to March, he agrees. “In the gospel according to Leviter, visitors should be neither seen nor heard.”
I nod. “It’s probably best if we aren’t roaming around the penthouse. I hear the centurions are doing spot checks.”
“True. They’re looking for rebels under rocks these days. Fortunately, they don’t have the manpower to cover all the territory in the provinces.”
They have technology, though. And they’re doing terrible things with it. I can’t count the nights I’ve gone to sleep listening to bombs detonate in the distance. Nicuan has unleashed a bloody countercampaign, and the results haunt me. The grimmest aspect comes in knowing it will get worse.
This luxurious room doesn’t feel real. It’s odd to have a bed waiting; I wonder how the surviving members of my squad are doing, if SpecForce has run ops while we were on mission elsewhere. I’m afraid of what news awaits us on our return. It seems the situation just keeps getting darker; I tell myself the horizon seems most grim just before first light, but in truth, I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Sometimes, the war seems endless.
“Can we really win by persuading Nicuan that La’heng is too costly to keep?” I ask.
March nods. “It’s a sound principle, proven effective in past conflicts. The insurgents just need the resolve to stick it out, no matter what it takes.”
In my present frame of mind, that’s a scary thought. How much worse will get it get? “Loras won’t stop. He can’t. Otherwise, all this has been for nothing. He’s sacrificed so many lives already—”
He touches my mouth to stop the desperate flow of words. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed yet, Jax, but…he’s changed. The time you were gone with Vel, we took some hard losses. Not just the base though that was a factor.”
“Changed how?”
“Just…don’t be surprised at any decision he makes, going forward. He’s a lot harder than the man who came to La’heng with you.”
I don’t want to think about how the war has changed Loras—or any of us, for that matter. “We haven’t talked in a while…about us. Last time, we left things up in the air. I shipped out, and you never had a chance to answer me about Vel.” I gesture at my face. “Now there’s this, too. I feel like there’s a lot to say and not enough time.”
“You haven’t pressed me…and I appreciate it.” He pauses to study my features. “Would I have chosen this? No. But it doesn’t matter. You’re still you.”
“I might get some tweaks later, so I don’t look so La’hengrin.” But it’s low-priority. I don’t think I’ll ever want my old face back; I’m ready to cut ties and disappear.
“Your looks are the least of my concerns,” he says, opening his arms.
I curl into him, fighting the urge to demand an answer. He was jealous of Vel before…and I’m afraid one day, he’ll feel like, Enough’s enough. I prefer to have some forewarning if he’s approaching maximum density on that head.
“Did you make up your mind?” It’s been hard as hell to live in the moment and just be with him, as happy as we can manage under the circumstances. It’s offered freedom, certainly. We have little experience just being together, but this time, neither of us is in charge; there’s no imbalance of power. Just March and me, learning how to be a unit. If I’m honest, we never have been. Our timing has sucked, all the way through, but I think this round, we might get it right.
He nods. “I did some thinking while you were on assignment. I realized I can’t ask you to forsake all others. I won’t always be around…and you’ll need somebody to help you through after I’m gone.”
I don’t want to think about that, but clearly March has. He’s considering what’s best for me, long-term, not what’s easiest or most comfortable for him. Which means he loves me a crazy amount. But then, I already knew that. He’s the one who waited, even long after a sane, reasonable man would’ve given up on me and moved on.
“Thank you for that. I know it can’t have been easy to come to that conclusion…and I promise that Vel and I, we’re not—”
“He’s your best friend. I get it. It was just…when we were fighting so much, it was hard to see how easily he relates to you. It’s always been tougher for us.”
“We were both pretty broken,” I say honestly. “We had to get our heads in order before we could make a go of this. Then we had old grudges and insecurities eating at us.”
He nods. “Love is the start, but it’s not everything. Tell me, do you trust me now, Jax? Could you lean on me?”
Given that my head’s on his chest, it might seem like a silly question, but I understand where he’s coming from. “See for yourself.”
He’s kept out of my head during this conversation, not taking what I haven’t shared, but at my invitation, he slips in, and I bask in the resultant warmth. I hope he sees what I mean to show him—that I have no doubts about us. I believe in him. March rubs his cheek against the top of my head.
“I miss your hair the most,” he confesses. “It had such personality.”
Which is an odd description, but I get it. “When this is over, I’ll see what I can do.”
Jax…The fact that he whispers in my head alerts me this is important; he must not feel comfortable saying it out loud.
Yeah?
I want something from you.
Anything, I promise instantly.