“From your existence without sex? I’m fairly certain you’ve been having your fair share since she came to live under your roof.” He couldn’t keep the bitterness out of his voice.
“Yeah, and if that bugs the hell out of you, well, so sorry, Sir Galahad. But she spoke the Binding to me because she intends to let me go. Forever. Like you said, her heart chose, and it wasn’t me.”
Shock believed that Anka intended to break their bond?
“Someone get the guy an award,” Shock quipped. “Exactly. How else am I ever going to be free to love someone else or whatever crap is running through her head?”
“But why now? It might kill her.”
Meaty hands curled into fists. “I don’t think that idea bothers her the way it does you or me.”
Bloody hell! “She didn’t fucking talk to me.”
“Join the club. She’s really not the same woman anymore. Her independent streak is a mile wide now.”
“Clearly.”
Lucan paced, trying to take it all in and understand the ramifications. “So Anka spoke the Binding and…hoped I would see your bond?”
He nodded. “Then lose your bloody temper and denounce her eternally so that once my bond with her was broken, you’d no longer give a shit. That’s my guess.”
He snorted. “That isn’t going to happen.”
“Do you truly love her?”
Turning to Shock as if he’d lost his mind, Lucan frowned. “How can you doubt it?”
Shock looked at him as if he’d lost every shred of sanity. “You hardly demanded that she come back to you after she healed you from your mate mourning. You left her with me and didn’t fight for her. What was anyone supposed to think, except that your pride was more important than your love for her?”
Shock’s speech stung like a bitch. Worse, Lucan realized there might be a kernel of truth to it. He’d been so broken and angry when he realized that Anka hadn’t come home to him, and had assumed she’d rejected him for a prick he couldn’t stand. She’d broken his heart. And he’d been too proud to ask why.
“Seeing the picture now? She cried herself sick when she teleported to your house by accident a few days ago and found you’d brought a surrogate there.”
She’d seen him leading someone else into their house while he’d been gearing up to close his eyes and pretend that he was no longer alone. Knowing that he’d hurt her badly stabbed bitter fury into his chest. That day, he’d been desperate to prove that he could hold someone else within those four walls that Anka still haunted with her presence. And he’d failed miserably. One look at Anka and all thoughts of another female had fled.
Now only regret remained.
“I see you’re beginning to understand. You left me to pick up the pieces and blamed her for staying with me when you gave almost no indication that she mattered.”
“That’s crap.” Lucan pushed him in the chest. “I begged her to come home.”
“Once or twice. But she was hurting and terrified. She needed reassurance. When her spirit was bruised and her self-confidence battered, you took her refusals far too easily. After that, how the hell was she supposed to believe that you really cared?”
When the hell had Shock become Dr. Phil?
“It’s not hard, you stupid prat, when I can read her fucking mind.”
There was that. “Why give me so many helpful hints when she’s your mate now? Morganna’s spell will wear off, and you could keep her for yourself then.”
Shock tossed his hands in the air. “It’s not me she wants. And I won’t take her free will. Is it such a stretch for you to believe that I’d do anything for her?”
At this point? “No, but isn’t there a part of you that wonders if, perhaps, over time, you could make her love you?”
“She already loves me,” Shock assured him, totally confident in that assessment. “But not as much as she loves you. It fucking pains me to say that, but for her sake, I did. Don’t make me regret it.”
Lucan nodded, stunned. Shock wasn’t exactly who or what he’d believed or expected. His feelings for Anka had peeled back the layers and revealed someone more human, more sensitive—
“Oh, blast it. You did not just think that I’m sensitive.” A scowl thundered across Shock’s face.
“Not at all,” Lucan lied.
“Spectacular. Now fuck off.”
After everything Shock had told him? “Sure. Happy to. Feel free to do the same.”
“Once she’s well, absolutely.”
They both stared at Anka, who sighed softly, tossing and turning on the soft sheets of the bed. She needed his touch. Lucan realized it innately. It pained him to put a hand on her naked skin while her signature blared with the proof of her bond to Shock. But this wasn’t about him, and Shock had put him in his place.
Falling to his knees beside the bed, he cupped Anka’s cheeks. “I’m here, love. Stay with us. You’re going to be all right.”
At least he hoped that would be true.
“Millie will be around in a tick!” Bram called up the stairs. “Sabelle will be back, too, to see if she can impart any calm to Anka with her siren ability.”
Perfect. Why the bloody hell hadn’t he thought of that sooner? Maybe Sabelle could ease Anka and help her survive the mate breaking. He prayed. A world without Anka… He shook his head and tried to quiet the terror in his belly. Knowing that she was under Shock’s roof had been gut-wrenching and terrible, but at least he’d always known deep down that he would have the chance to talk to her again. If she didn’t survive now, Lucan didn’t think he would either.
“We have to believe that she’ll make it,” Shock grumbled, looking at her with a frown. “Fucking hate it when she goes pale like this.”
Yes, Lucan hated it, too.
“Listen…the mate mourning.” Shock swallowed. “Is it really bloody awful?”
Lucan lifted his head, realizing that Shock would soon endure what he had after Mathias had destroyed his bond with Anka. Any other day, he would have rejoiced at the thought of the big, leather-wearing arse feeling pain. Today, it all just felt petty.
“Beyond awful. I don’t remember more than constant agony, an emptiness inside me that nothing could fill, wrenching grief, and a fury that wouldn’t die.”
“That does sound bloody fucking awful.” And Shock looked nervous as hell about it.
“I don’t have any reassuring words.”
“Then give me something, man. If I lose my fucking sanity, do me one favor?
At this point, as much as Lucan hated to admit it, he owed Shock a debt of gratitude.
“All right. What do you need?”
“When the bond is severed, if my mind snaps, just kill me.”
Chapter Thirteen
“We’re nearly finished,” Sabelle advised as she stuck her head out the bedroom door.
Stuck in the hallway waiting, Lucan wanted to pace, but sat fidgeting and restless. In the wingback chair beside him, Shock looked ready to crawl out of his skin.
“This is bloody awkward.” He tried to make light of the situation. “Isn’t it? You sitting next to your current mate’s ex, waiting to become her ex, as well.”
Shock flipped him a glare. Lucan could see nothing behind the sunglasses, but he felt the heat of the wizard’s annoyance all the same. “Thank you, Captain Obvious.”
So much for that line of conversation. Lucan tapped his toe, straining to hear any sound coming from the room, any indication of whether Anka was going to be all right. They all knew that Shock wouldn’t be once this was over.
“That’s right,” Shock snarled. “You promised to end me.”
Lucan wasn’t exactly certain how he would do that, but he owed Shock. On any other day, having a free invitation to kill the bastard would have been cause for throwing confetti and donning a party hat. Not today. Damn it.
“I’ll keep my end of the bargain,” Lucan promised.
Then he couldn’t take the waiting anymore. He hopped to his feet and paced the hallway. “What’s taking so long? Mathias ripped us apart in what seemed like a matter of moments. I barely felt an inkling of Anka’s panic and fear before it was done.”
“I expect Millie and Sabelle have to be careful. Her energy is waning, isn’t it? She’s already in pain. I don’t bloody know.”
Perhaps not, but those sounded like good guesses. “She might die trying to free you, and I’d really love to hate you for it. But she made a choice. In her place, I would have done the same.”
But Lucan didn’t know if he could live with it.
“You think I’m fucking thrilled? When she’s well—not if, but when—my pissed off is going to blow like an illegal Guy Fawkes tribute right in her face,” Shock grumbled, then sighed. “Will you Call to her again?”
Anka had left Lucan once more—a clear indication that she had no intention of spending the rest of her centuries by his side. But as Shock had aptly pointed out mere hours ago, Anka needed reassurance. She needed someone to fight for her. He planned to be that man. No way was he letting her go now.
“We’ll get there.”
Shock snorted. “Even if you have to pull her by the hair? She likes that, you know.”
The visual made him ill. “Not another damn word or I’ll lose all the Zen and ‘Kumbaya’ I’ve got going now and punch your face.”
“I’d actually prefer that.”
Lucan couldn’t help it; he laughed. He never could have guessed when he awoke in his cold bed alone this morning that by nightfall everything would have changed. He was the mate of Anka’s heart, and he was going to hold her to that. The rest? Window dressing that didn’t matter. Whatever roadblocks they’d faced previously, he would work to put those behind them and rebuild Anka’s delicate sense of self-worth until she understood that whatever Mathias had done to her didn’t matter to him in the least. She mattered.
“Good. She needs a firm, guiding hand now. I won’t give her back to a pussy. I’d fight for her tooth and nail if you weren’t strong enough to give her what she needs.”
Give her what she needs. A phrase Mitchell Thorpe had been very fond of using. Lucan understood that his first responsibility to Anka was to ensure her emotional wellbeing. And he would. Then they would have a serious tête-à-tête about why she hadn’t returned home to him after breaking free from Mathias. Trust issues lurked there. Lucan wasn’t sure why, but he’d get to the bottom of that posthaste.
Sabelle popped her head out the door again. “Lucan?”
He sprinted for the door. “What is it?”
“She needs energy desperately. Now.” Sabelle stepped back to admit him.
Lucan hesitated. “I can’t exchange energy with her until the bond is broken. You know that.”
“It will be too late then. She’ll be…gone.”
“What the fuck?” Shock cursed from behind him.
Lucan raked a hand through his hair. “How do you know I won’t be hurting her more?”
“I don’t. But at least she will have the energy to endure.”
Right, then. Another ugly truth. Another goddamn conundrum with no simple solution.
He glanced over his shoulder. Shock looked exhausted, like he wouldn’t give a shit now if a train ran him over. Hollow cheeks, black stubble dusting his jaw, clothes rumpled, demeanor prickly. But he wasn’t budging from this vigil. In an odd way, Lucan admired the other wizard’s resolution. He didn’t trust Shock a whole lot—except when it came to Anka. Today, the git had proven that he would always do what was best for her, no matter what.
“What do you think?” he asked Shock. “I don’t want to hurt her, but failing to intervene doesn’t sound like an option.”
Shock nodded. “When she screams, it will fuck with my mood. But you don’t have a choice. Go.”
Indeed. Lucan swallowed down his jangled nerves. Anka needed him…but he couldn’t, in good conscience, leave Shock alone now. He’d promised.
Lucan whipped out his mobile and sent a quick text to Caden.
“Bloody hell, no!” Shock bristled. “I don’t need your little brother babysitting me.”
But the badass wizard’s time to protest was over nearly before it began. Bram was letting Caden in the front door. Ice followed him up the stairs. Together, they flanked Shock with identical mocking smiles. Clearly, they both hoped that Shock lost his mind.
“Too bad, Denzell,” Ice quipped. “Be a good boy or you won’t get any ice cream later.”
“Fuck off.” Shock glared at them both, then stalked off to the wingback chair against the wall again. He looked up at Lucan. “Go.”
Nodding, Lucan addressed his brother. “You know what to do. If the worst happens, wait for me.”