I want you to explain it. I want you to tell me why you would leave me. Why you would leave us. Why you would return.
Juliana gave a little humorless laugh, then answered in English. “The very idea that you would ask that of me is ridiculous.”
“You want me to apologize?”
“It would be an excellent beginning.”
Louisa’s cool blue gaze, so like her own, seemed to look through her. “We will be here a very long time if that is what you want.”
Juliana shrugged one shoulder. “Excellent. Then we are done.” She stood.
“Your father used to do that, too. The shrug. I am surprised that England has not beaten it out of you. It is not the most polite of mannerisms.”
“England does not have a hold on me.”
Suddenly, the words did not seem so true.
“No? Your English is very good for someone who does not care for the culture. I will be honest; I was surprised when Gabriel told me you were here. I cannot imagine it is easy for you to survive.” Juliana stayed silent, refusing to give Louisa the pleasure of knowing she was right. Her mother pressed on. “I imagine it is just the same as it was for me. Difficult. You see, daughter, we are not so different.”
We are not so different. They were the words she dreaded. The words she prayed were not true. “We are nothing like each other.”
“You can say it over and over. It will not change the truth.” Louisa leaned back in her seat. “Look at you. Just back from a ball, perhaps, but covered in something that indicates that you have not had the most respectable of evenings. What have you been doing?”
Juliana looked down at herself. Resisted the urge to pick at the fast-drying pulp that clung to her. “It is not your business.”
“It doesn’t matter. The point is that you are unable to resist adventure. You are unwilling to close yourself off to whatever pleasure happens to tempt you at any given time. My taste for excitement has been in you since you took your first breath. Resist all you like, but I am your mother. I am in you. The sooner you stop fighting it, the happier you will be.”
No.
It was not true. It had been a decade since Louisa had seen Juliana last . . . ten years during which Juliana had had the opportunity to grow and change and resist the parts of her mother that lay dormant within.
She did not seek out adventure or scandal or ruin.
Did she?
Memories flashed: chasing through a darkened garden; hiding in a strange carriage; riding through Hyde Park in men’s clothing; climbing out onto a log to fetch a replaceable bonnet; toppling a pyramid of harvest vegetables; waiting for Simon outside his club; kissing Simon in the barn; kissing Simon in the conservatory of his betrothed’s home.
Kissing Simon.
She had virtually gone out of her way to cause scandal in the last week—and before that, since she arrived in London, she might not have sought out adventure, but she certainly had not resisted it when it came calling.
Dear God.
She looked to her mother, meeting those blue eyes that were so much like her own, the eyes that gleamed with a knowledge that Juliana at once feared and loathed.
She was right.
“What do you want from us?” She heard the tremor in her voice. Wished it was not there.
Louisa was quiet for a long time, unmoving, her cool gaze taking Juliana in. After several minutes, Juliana had had enough. “I’ve spent too much of my life waiting for you.” She stood. “I am going to bed.”
“I want my life back.”
There was no sorrow in the words, no regret, either. There wouldn’t be. This was the closest her mother would ever come to either of those emotions. Regret was for people with a capacity for feeling.
Unable to stop herself, Juliana sat once more, on the edge of her chair, and took a long look at the woman who had given her life. Her beauty—the gift she had given all three of her children—was showing her age. There were strands of silver in her sable hair, her blue eyes were clouded with her years. There were a handful of lines on her face and neck, a blemish on one temple. A beauty mark just above one dark-winged eyebrow that Juliana remembered being less faded, more perfect.
The years had been kind to Louisa Hathbourne, but in a weathered, aged way that made the most beautiful of women think that she had lost everything.
Not that she gave any impression of feeling that way.
“You must know . . .” Juliana said, “. . . you cannot erase the past.”
Irritation flared on her mother’s face. “Of course I know that. I did not come back for my title. Or for the house. Or for Gabriel and Nicholas.”
And certainly not for me, Juliana thought.
“But there comes a point when it is no longer easy to live the life I have lived.”
Understanding flared. “And you think Gabriel will help you live a different life.”
“He was raised to be marquess. Raised to protect his family at all costs. Why do you think I told your father to send you here if anything happened to him?”
Juliana shook her head. “You deserted him.”
“Yes.” Again, she was struck by the lack of regret in the answer.
“He would never support you . . .”
“We shall see.” There was something in her eyes—a keen awareness born of years of self-interest and manipulation.
And then it all became clear.
This was London society, where reputation trumped all—even for the Marquess of Ralston. Especially for the new Marquess of Ralston, who had a wife and sister and unborn child to protect.
Juliana narrowed her gaze. “You knew. You knew you would cause a scandal. You knew he would do whatever it took to mitigate its damage. Not the damage to you . . . the damage to us. You think he’ll give you a settlement. Something to keep you in the manner in which you are accustomed.”
One side of her mother’s mouth lifted in a half smile, and she brushed a speck from her gown—a design from several years ago. “You divined my strategy quite quickly. As I said, we are not so different, you and I.”
“I would not be so certain of that, Mother.” Ralston spoke from the doorway, and Juliana turned her attention to him and Callie, who was hurrying toward her. “Which part of, ‘You are not to come near Ralston House again,’ did you have difficulty understanding?”
Louisa looked up with a smile. “Well, it has been nearly two decades since I have been in England, darling. Meanings are troublesome at times.” She raised a hand to Callie. “You must be the marchioness. I am sorry, I was so quickly escorted from the room last night that we were not properly introduced.”
“No. You weren’t,” Ralston drawled.
“Do you know why she is here?” Juliana interrupted, outrage pushing her to her feet. “Do you know she wants money from you?”
“Yes,” Gabriel said matter-of-factly before noticing Juliana’s gown. “What on earth happened to you?”
“I think now is not the time to discuss it, Gabriel,” Callie interrupted.
“You’re not going to give it to her, are you?” Juliana asked on a squeak, ignoring everything but the most important matter at hand.
“I have not yet decided.”
“Gabriel!” She resisted the urge to stomp her foot.
He ignored her. “I would like you to leave, Mother. If you have need of us, you may send word. Nick has an excellent staff. They know how to reach us.”
“She is living at Nick’s town house?” Juliana said. “He shall be furious when he finds out!”
“Nonsense. Nick was always the child who liked me best,” Louisa said casually, rising and heading for the door. “I wonder if Bennett has set my cloak aflame. That man always loathed me.”
“I suspected that he had excellent taste,” Juliana said, unable to keep quiet.
“Tut-tut, Juliana, one would think no one had ever taught you any manners.”
“I was lacking in a feminine influence in my youth.”
“Mmm.” Louisa gave Juliana’s gown a long inspection. “Tell me . . . do you think that if I had remained in Italy, you would still be covered in seeds and wheat tonight?”
She turned and exited the room, Juliana staring after her, wishing that she’d had a final barb to sling at her mother.
When Louisa had left the room, Callie turned to them, and said, “It is incredible that the two of you turned out so very normal with a mother such as that.”
“I am not so very normal, Empress. And I am not sure about Juliana, either.”
Callie looked at her with a wry smile. “The evening’s great mystery has been solved—you toppled Lady Needham’s harvest centerpiece?”
He turned to Juliana and raised one brow. “Dear God. And you ran off like an errant child?”
Juliana chewed on her lower lip. “Perhaps.”
He scowled.
“What was I to do? It would have ruined the evening for everyone.”
He sighed, then crossed to the sideboard and poured himself a scotch. “Just once, Juliana, I’d like you to attempt to refrain from causing a scandal. Not every time. Just once.”
“Gabriel,” Callie said quietly. “Have a care.”
“Well, it is true. What did we discuss this evening before we left for the ball? We all needed to be on our very best behavior to even attempt to ride out the tornado that is our mother.”
Juliana winced at the frustration in his words. “I didn’t mean for it to happen, Gabriel . . .”
“Of course you didn’t. You didn’t mean to fall in the Serpentine or be accosted in our gardens or be nearly compromised by Leighton either, I’m guessing.”
“Gabriel!” Callie was not so quiet this time.
Color washed over Juliana’s cheeks. “No, I did not. But I see that you don’t believe that.”
“You have to admit that you make it rather difficult, sister.”
She knew he was angry. Knew he felt trapped by their mother’s arrival and her requests and the threat she was to their family reputation, as strong as spun sugar. She knew she should not take his criticism to heart. Knew that he was lashing out at her because he could.
But she was tired of everyone pointing out her flaws.
Especially when they were right.
“I have not exactly had the easiest of evenings. Aside from tumbling down a flight of stairs and having my first conversation in a decade with my mother, I’ve argued with you, ruined my gown, fled a ball, and watched . . .”
Watched Simon pledge himself to someone else.
“Watched?” he prompted.
Suddenly, she felt very tired. Tired from the day, from the last week, from the last seven months. Tired of London.
She shook her head. “Nothing.”
There was a long pause as he watched her, and she deliberately evaded his gaze until he finally sighed. “Yes, well, I’ve had enough of this disaster of a day, myself.”
He exited the room.
Callie watched him go before heaving a sigh herself. “He did not mean it, you know. He’s just . . . she’s not easy for him, either.”
Juliana met her sister-in-law’s kind eyes. Callie had always been a calm to Gabriel’s storm. “I know. But he is not entirely wrong.” They sat for long minutes in companionable silence before Juliana could no longer stay quiet.
“Leighton is marrying.”
Callie nodded. “Lady Penelope has made a good match.”
“She does not love him.”
Callie tilted her head. “No, I don’t imagine she does.”
The silence stretched between them until Juliana could no longer bear it. Looking down at her hands, clasped tightly together, she said quietly, “When are they marrying? Was anything said?”
“I heard sometime in late November.”
One month.
Juliana nodded, pressing her lips together.
It was done. He was gone.
She took a deep breath.
“I think I am through with London.”
Callie’s eyes widened. “Forever?”
“At least for now.”
Simon needed a drink.
More than one.
He tossed his hat and gloves to the footman who had waited for his return home, relieved the man of his duties for the rest of the evening, and threw open the door to the library, taking perverse enjoyment in the way the great slab of oak crashed against the inside wall of the room.
He was the only one who was impressed, apparently. Leopold lifted his head and sniffed the air once, thoughtfully, before finding the entire event unworthy of excitement.
Simon moved to a sideboard and poured himself a tumbler of scotch, immediately throwing back the fiery liquid.
He was betrothed.
He poured another glass.
He was betrothed, and this evening, he’d nearly ruined a woman who was not his future bride.
He eyed the decanter for a brief moment before grabbing it and heading for his chair. Glowering at the dog, he offered his most masterful, “Off.”
The damned animal yawned and eased from the chair with a long stretch, as though it had made the decision to move on its own.
This was what he had become—a duke unable to secure even the obedience of his own dog.
He took the chair, ignoring the way the dog stretched out in front of the warm fire burning in the hearth.
He let out a long breath that it seemed he had been holding since earlier in the evening . . . since the moment the Marquess of Needham and Dolby had thundered the announcement of his daughter’s betrothal, and Simon had taken Lady Penelope’s hand in his, raised it to his lips, and done his duty.
He’d felt it then, the burden. For now it was no longer his mother and his sister and the dukedom for which he was responsible. He was responsible for Lady Penelope as well. And even then it had not been his impending marriage or even his sister’s impending ruin that consumed his thoughts.