‘He doesn’t care. He just wants to kill me.’
‘Why?’
‘Stop asking that,’ she said angrily. There was no stopping the tears now. ‘You always ask that. Why. Like there’s an answer for everything.
Not everybody has your life, you know, or your family. In your life, things happen for reasons.
People make sense. But that’s not my life.
Nobody in my life makes sense …’
‘Not even me?’ he asked.
‘Ha. Especially not you.’
‘Why would you say that?’ He sounded hurt.
What did he have to be hurt about?
‘Why, why, why …’ she said.
‘Yeah,’ he said, ‘ why. Why are you always so mad at me?’
‘I’m never mad at you.’ It came out a sob. He was so stupid.
‘You are,’ he said. ‘You’re mad at me right now. You always turn on me, just when we start to get somewhere.’
‘Get where?’
‘Somewhere,’ he said. ‘With each other.
Like, a few minutes ago, you said you missed me. And for maybe the first time ever, you didn’t sound sarcastic or defensive or like you think I’m an idiot. And now you’re yelling at me.’
‘I’m not yelling.’
‘You’re mad,’ he said. ‘Why are you mad?’
She didn’t want him to hear her cry. She held her breath. That made it worse.
‘Eleanor …’ he said.
Even worse.
‘Stop saying that.’
‘What can I say then? You can ask me why, you know. I promise I’ll have answers.’
He sounded frustrated with her, but not angry. She could remember him sounding angry with her only once. The first day she got on the bus.
‘You can ask me why,’ he said again.
‘Yeah?’ She sniffed.
‘Yeah.’
‘Okay.’ She looked down at the turntable, at her own reflection in the tinted acrylic lid. She looked like a fat-faced ghost. She closed her eyes.
‘Why do you even like me?’
Park
He opened his eyes.
He sat up, stood up, started pacing around his small room. He went to stand by the window –
the one that faced her house, even though it was a block away and she wasn’t home – holding the base of the car phone against his stomach.
She’d asked him to explain something he couldn’t even explain to himself.
‘I don’t like you,’ he said. ‘I need you.’
He waited for her to cut him down. To say
‘Ha’ or ‘God’ or ‘You sound like a Bread song.’
But she was quiet.
He crawled back onto the bed, not caring whether she heard it swish. ‘You can ask me why I need you,’ he whispered. He didn’t even have to whisper. On the phone, in the dark, he just had to move his lips and breathe. ‘But I don’t know. I just know that I do …
‘I miss you, Eleanor. I want to be with you all the time. You’re the smartest girl I’ve ever met, and the funniest, and everything you do surprises me. And I wish I could say that those are the reasons I like you, because that would make me sound like a really evolved human being …
‘But I think it’s got as much to do with your hair being red and your hands being soft … and the fact that you smell like homemade birthday cake.’
He waited for her to say something. She didn’t.
Someone knocked softly on his door.
‘Just a second,’ he whispered into the phone.
‘Yeah?’ he said.
His mom opened his door, just enough to push her head through. ‘Not too late,’ she said.
‘Not too late,’ he said. She smiled and shut the door.
‘I’m back,’ he said. ‘Are you there?’
‘I’m here,’ Eleanor said.
‘Say something.’
‘I don’t know what to say.’
‘Say something, so that I don’t feel so stupid.’
‘Don’t feel stupid, Park,’ she said.
‘Nice.’
They were both quiet.
‘Ask me why I like you,’ she finally said.
He felt himself smile. He felt like something warm had spilled in his chest.
‘Eleanor,’ he said, just because he liked saying it, ‘why do you like me?’
‘I don’t like you.’
He waited. And waited …
Then he started to laugh. ‘You’re kind of mean,’ he said.
‘Don’t laugh. It just encourages me.’
He could hear that she was smiling, too. He could picture her. Smiling.
‘I don’t like you, Park,’ she said again. ‘I …’
She stopped. ‘I can’t do this.’
‘Why not?’
‘It’s embarrassing.’
‘So far, just for me.’
‘I’m afraid I’ll say too much,’ she said.
‘You can’t.’
‘I’m afraid I’ll tell you the truth.’
‘Eleanor …’
‘Park.’
‘You don’t like me …’ he said, leading her, pressing the base of the phone into his lowest rib.
‘I don’t like you, Park,’ she said, sounding for a second like she actually meant it. ‘I …’ –
her voice nearly disappeared – ‘sometimes I think I live for you.’
He closed his eyes and arched his head back into his pillow.
‘I don’t think I even breathe when we’re not together,’ she whispered. ‘Which means, when I see you on Monday morning, it’s been like sixty hours since I’ve taken a breath. That’s probably why I’m so crabby, and why I snap at you. All I do when we’re apart is think about you, and all I do when we’re together is panic. Because every second feels so important. And because I’m so out of control, I can’t help myself. I’m not even mine anymore, I’m yours, and what if you decide that you don’t want me? How could you want me like I want you?’
He was quiet. He wanted everything she’d just said to be the last thing he heard. He wanted to fall asleep with ‘I want you’ in his ears.
‘God,’ she said. ‘I told you I shouldn’t talk. I didn’t even answer your question.’
Eleanor
She hadn’t even said anything nice about him.
She hadn’t told him that he was prettier than any girl, and that his skin was like sunshine with a suntan.
And that’s exactly why she hadn’t said it. Because all her feelings for him – hot and beautiful in her heart – turned to gobbledygook in her mouth.
She flipped the tape and pressed play, and waited for Robert Smith to start singing before she climbed up onto her dad’s brown leather couch.
‘Why can’t I see you?’ Park asked. His voice sounded raw and pure. Like something just hatched.
‘Because my stepfather is crazy.’
‘Does he have to know?’
‘My mom will tell him.’
‘Does she have to know?’
‘Eleanor ran her fingers along the edge of the glass coffee table. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I don’t know what I mean. I just know that I need to see you. Like this.’
‘I’m not even allowed to talk to boys.’
‘Until when?’
‘I don’t know, never. This is one of those things that doesn’t make sense. My mom doesn’t want to do anything that could possibly irritate my stepfather. And my stepfather gets off on being mean. Especially to me. He hates me.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I hate him.’
‘Why?’
She wanted, badly, to change the subject, but she didn’t.
‘Because he’s a bad person. Just … trust me.
He’s the kind of bad that tries to kill anything good. If he knew about you, he’d do whatever he could to take you away from me.’
‘He can’t take me away from you,’ Park said.
Sure he can, she thought. ‘He can take me away from you,’ she said. ‘The last time he got really mad at me, he kicked me out and didn’t let me come home for a year.’
‘Jesus.’
‘Yeah.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be sorry,’ she said. ‘Just don’t tempt him.’
‘We could meet at the playground.’
‘My siblings would turn me in.’
‘We could meet somewhere else.’
‘Where?’
‘Here,’ he said. ‘You could come here.’
‘What would your parents say?’
‘It’s nice to meet you, Eleanor, would you like to stay for dinner?’
She laughed. She wanted to say it wouldn’t work, but maybe it would. Maybe.
‘Are you sure you want them to meet me?’
she asked.
‘Yes,’ he said. ‘I want everyone to meet you.
You’re my favorite person of all time.’
He kept making her feel like it was safe to smile. ‘I don’t want to embarrass you …’ she said.
‘You couldn’t.’
Headlights shot across the living room.
‘Damn,’ she said. ‘I think my dad’s home.’
She got up and looked out the window. Her dad and Donna were getting out of the Karmann Ghia. Donna’s hair was a mess.
‘Damn, damn, damn,’ she said. ‘I never said why I like you, and now I have to go.’
‘That’s okay,’ he said.
‘It’s because you’re kind,’ she said. ‘And because you get all my jokes …’
‘Okay,’ he laughed.
‘And you’re smarter than I am.’
‘I am not.’
‘And you look like a protagonist.’ She was talking as fast as she could think. ‘You look like the person who wins in the end. You’re so pretty, and so good. You have magic eyes,’ she whispered. ‘And you make me feel like a cannibal.’
‘You’re crazy.’
‘I have to go.’ She leaned over so the receiver was close to the base.
‘Eleanor – wait,’ Park said. She could hear her dad in the kitchen and her heartbeat everywhere.
‘Eleanor – wait – I love you.’
‘Eleanor?’ her dad was standing in the doorway. He was being quiet, in case she was asleep.
She hung up the phone and pretended that she was.
CHAPTER 20
Eleanor
The next day was a blur.
Her dad complained that she’d eaten all the yogurt.
‘I didn’t eat it, I gave it to Matt.’
Her dad only had seven dollars in his wallet, so that’s what he gave her. When he was ready to take her home, she said she had to go the bathroom. She went up to the hall closet, found three brand new toothbrushes and shoved them into the front of her pants, along with a bar of Dove soap.
Donna might have seen her (she was right there in the bedroom), but she didn’t say anything.
Eleanor felt sorry for Donna. Her dad never laughed at anyone’s jokes but his own.
When her dad dropped Eleanor off at her house, all the little kids ran out to see him. He gave them rides around the neighborhood in his new car.
Eleanor wished she had a phone to call the cops. ‘There’s a guy driving around the Flats with a bunch of kids hanging out of a convertible.
I’m pretty sure none of them have seat belts on and that he’s been drinking Scotch all morning.
Oh, and while you’re here, there’s another guy in the backyard smoking hash. In a school zone.’
When their dad finally left, Mouse couldn’t stop talking about him. After a few hours, Richie told everybody to put their coats on. ‘We’re going to a movie,’ he said, looking right at Eleanor.
‘All of us.’
Eleanor and the little kids climbed into the back of the truck and huddled against the cab, making faces at the baby, who got to sit inside.
Richie drove down Park’s street on the way out of the neighborhood, but Park wasn’t outside, thank God. Of course, Tina and her Neanderthal boyfriend were out. Eleanor didn’t even try to duck. What was the point? Steve whistled at her.
It was snowing on the way home from the movie. ( Short Circuit.) Richie drove slow, which meant that even more snow fell on them, but at least nobody flew out of the truck.
Huh, Eleanor thought. I’m not fantasizing about being thrown from a moving vehicle.
Weird.
When they drove by Park’s house again in the dark, she wondered which window was his.
Park
He regretted saying it. Not because it wasn’t true.
He loved her. Of course he did. There was no other way to explain … everything Park felt.
But he hadn’t meant to tell her like that. So soon. And over the phone. Especially knowing how she felt about Romeo and Juliet.
Park was waiting for his little brother to change clothes. Every Sunday, they got dressed up, in nice pants and sweaters, and had dinner with their grandparents. But Josh was playing Super Mario and wouldn’t turn it off. (He was about to get to the infinity turtle for the first time.)
‘I’m going over,’ Park yelled to his parents.
‘I’ll see you there.’
He ran across the yard because he didn’t feel like putting on a coat.
His
grandparents’
house