He looked tired; he looked grim.
He looked hardened.
I couldn’t even begin to imagine the things he’d seen and the people he’d been forced to be around.
“Logan,” I whispered, shrugging uncertainly. “I don’t even . . .”
His eyes roamed over me. “You look well.”
I leaned in closer at the sound of his voice. “I—”
“Where the f**k have you been, Shannon?” he hissed, the hardness in his eyes shoved aside momentarily to make room for the hurt.
It felt as if someone had just thrown a brick at my chest.
I smoothed a hand over my hair, and the motion drew Logan’s attention. His eyes narrowed. “You’re shaking.” He sat back, shocked and wounded. “Are you afraid of me?”
“Of course not,” I snapped, and then lowered my voice when I realized I’d drawn attention to us. “But I am afraid of what you think of me. I didn’t think you’d want me here. Mum, Dad, and Amanda said you wouldn’t either. They told me to stay away.”
“What are you talking about? They said you just took off and you haven’t been in touch.” Anger flared in his eyes like purple sparks. “Do you have any idea how goddamn relieved I was to hear from you? You’ve had us worried sick, Shannon.”
“No.” I shook my head in denial, my heart pounding. “Mum, Dad, and Amanda . . . they told me this was my fault, that you all thought it was my fault. They told me they’d never forgive me. I thought it was best to just . . . leave. For everyone’s sake.”
“They said what?”
I tensed at the surprise on his face. “You never thought that?”
“No,” he spat. “And you should have known better.”
“How? Logan, I put you in prison.”
“I put me in prison.” He thumped his fist against his chest. “I did. I’d do it over again if it meant getting to put that f**king animal in the hospital.”
Suddenly I was flooded by the memories of that day, of the following days and weeks . . . My chest felt tight and the flashbacks turned to hard lumps in my throat. Although the pain and humiliation of that day had diminished since striking up a relationship with Cole, it hadn’t completely disappeared. As evident by the way I was feeling upon seeing Logan for the first time. Tears burned in my eyes. “If I hadn’t been such an idiot. If I hadn’t been with him . . . if I hadn’t run to you, you—”
“Don’t.” Logan grabbed my hand. “If you hadn’t spent every day after you got out of the hospital avoiding me when I was out on bail, then I would have told you then what I’m telling you now—none of this is your fault. None of it.”
I started to cry, bowing my head so my hair would hide my tears from the strangers around me. “I’ve been a coward. I should have come sooner. I . . .” I stared up at him, curling my fingers tighter around his and begging him with my gaze to believe me. “I know our family has never been close, but when they turned their back on me I felt really alone and I just couldn’t face that they might be telling me the truth, that the one person . . . that you wouldn’t want me to be your sister anymore.”
“You’re a f**king idiot,” he said softly. “But fear makes us stupid.” His lips twisted and that hardness was back in his eyes. “Believe me. I’ve seen plenty of that in here.”
“Logan, I am so sorry. I never meant for any of this.”
He shook his head in the way he did whenever he was flabbergasted. “Shannon MacLeod, you are the kindest person I’ve ever known. You’re my blood. And someone thought he could hurt you. I don’t regret advising him otherwise.”
“There’s not a single day I haven’t thought about you.”
He glanced away and I caught the sadness in his eyes. Logan had always been a bit like Cole—hotheaded with a quick temper that died down as quickly as it flared. But that was the extent of any kind of “darkness” in him. Logan was light. He was protective and hardworking, but he also knew how to have a good time. He was a joker with constant humor in his eyes.
That was when I realized what was so different about him.
That spark of mischief, of easy humor . . . it was gone.
Guilt gnawed at me despite my best efforts to soak in his words of reassurance. “Do Mum and Dad visit you often?”
Logan turned back to me and nodded. “They visit twice a month. Amanda does too. The other two visits I keep open for friends.”
“You haven’t lost any, then?” That was something I’d worried about too.
“No. They understand why I did what I did. I have good friends, Shannon. And, believe it or not, Mum and Dad have really been there for me.”
I was confused and angry and yet thankful at the same time for that. “I’m glad.”
“I’ll be having a word with them, though, about how they treated you.”
“Don’t.”
His eyes flashed. “You were in the hospital because you were beaten and almost raped, and rather than being there for you, they chased you off. I mean, what the f**k have you been doing these last few months? Where have you been?”
“Edinburgh.”
Understanding lit up his eyes. “Running to Gran like always.”
“Except—” My lips trembled.
“She wasn’t there.” He squeezed my hand again. “Have you been alone all this time?”
“No.” I took a deep breath and told my brother everything. From being homeless and jobless to fate’s twisted sense of humor landing me a job at INKarnate, to meeting Rae and being taken into her weird but wonderful fold, to Cole, to the antagonism between us and why, to learning all I did from his family, to our relationship changing, to how supportive he’d been, to how I’d fallen for him, and how he was the one who convinced me to face Logan.
When I was done, Logan sat back in his chair, his brow puckered in contemplation.
“Say something,” I pleaded quietly. “I need you to believe I’m not making another mistake. You have to know after everything that I would never make that mistake again.”
Logan nodded. “He sounds like a decent guy and I’m glad you’ve had people around you.” He gave me his no-nonsense big-brother look, and warmth exploded in my chest at the familiar sight of it. “But I will have to meet him.”
“Of course,” I readily agreed.
He snorted. “You got a tattoo?”
“Yup.”
“Think I’d get a free tattoo when I get out of here? From the legendary Stu Motherwell himself?”
I grinned. “Definitely.”
“Good because I’ll have plenty of inspiration by the time I do.”
My stomach dropped at the reminder of where we were sitting. “How have you been? You’re . . . okay . . . right?”
“I’m not sunshine and roses, but I can handle myself. Don’t worry about me.”
“But what’s it been—”
“I’m not telling you that shit, so you can forget about it.”
I could feel my eyes bug out at his snapping, and raised my hands in surrender. “All right, all right.”
He smirked. “I’ve missed you, Shay.”
I almost burst out crying at him using the nickname he hadn’t called me since we were kids. “I’ve missed you too,” I choked out.
“Ah, don’t get all watery on me again. We have stuff to sort out.” He leaned forward, his stare direct. “Neither of us should have listened to Mum, Dad, and Amanda’s bullshit, but we did. That’s over now. What’s not over is this family. I know we’re not perfect, Shannon. But they are our family and they have stepped it up and been there for me. I want you to reconcile with them so we can try to be a real family. Promise me.”
Panic fluttered in my chest. After everything, no matter his protestations, I owed Logan. If he wanted this from me I had to figure out a way to give him it. But it was going to be difficult bringing my family around to the idea of forgiving me.
Moreover, it meant I’d have to forgive them.
I ignored the deep-seated uncertainty and gave my brother a reassuring smile. “I’ll try.”
CHAPTER 23
T he sight of your childhood home wasn’t supposed to fill your mouth with the taste of ash and your stomach with dread. Yet, staring at the prewar bungalow I’d grown up in on a quiet street in a wee town outside Glasgow, I felt just that.
What I really wanted to do was jump on a bus back to Edinburgh, but I’d made a promise to my brother. I just hoped Amanda was still living with our parents so I could kill three birds with one stone.
On the back of that thought, the door to the house opened and my pretty sister stepped outside in house shoes, ratty jeans, and an oversized T-shirt. Her dark hair was piled on top of her head and she was staring at me with the dark brown eyes she’d inherited from Dad. To my surprise I saw a flicker of relief in them that was at odds with her dry “You’re alive, then.”
“You would have known that if you’d called.”
She rolled her eyes. “Works both ways.” On that note she slipped inside, leaving the door open for me.
The familiar smell of my dad’s tobacco hit me as soon as I entered. Gran had hated Dad’s smoking, but no matter how much she nagged she couldn’t get her son to quit. Mum never nagged him about it. She said Dad was always going to do what he wanted to do and she loved him enough to leave him alone to do it in peace.
I thought that was a copout, but then, she was always like that with Dad. He won every argument because she didn’t want him to see her as anything less than the perfect, supportive wife she tried to be. Personally I thought they were living in the freaking fifties. I shuddered when I remembered how similar I’d acted with Ollie until near the end. Of course, Ollie was a violent woman beater. Dad was just a stubborn pain in the arse.
Full of trepidation, I followed Amanda into the large sitting room where my dad was watching TV while Mum sat at the dining table, typing on a laptop. They looked up at my entrance and Dad pressed the mute button on the remote.
Our eyes met and I could see that familiar stubbornness in his dark gaze fighting an emotion I couldn’t quite name.
He stood up abruptly, drawing his hand across his mouth before sagging on a loud exhale. “Thank f**k.”
I was abruptly pulled against him, his arms tight around me as he hugged me.
It took me a minute to get over my shock and hug him back.
“You should have bloody called,” he bit out, and then pushed me back from him. He gripped my biceps so hard I winced.
“Dad, you could have called me,” I said, trying to keep the hurt and annoyance out of my own voice, unsuccessfully. “You were the one that told me this was all my fault and that I should stay away from Logan. I thought you’d be happy to see the back of me.”
He let me go, that stubborn chin of his jutting out. “I didn’t say it was all your fault.”
“So why didn’t you call?”
“Why didn’t you?”
I sighed. Typical Dad. His pride would never allow him to admit he’d handled this badly. I shot a look at my mum, who’d come to stand in the middle of the room beside Amanda. Amanda was taller than her. I’d gotten my lack of height from Mum along with her hair and eyes and figure. She was young looking—so young looking we could probably pass for sisters. But that was where the similarities between us ended. I was like neither of my parents.
I was all Gran, through and through.
Thankfully.
“A lot of things were said and done,” Mum said. “But that was no excuse for what you’ve put us through.”
My hands fisted at my sides. “It hasn’t exactly been easy for me either.”
Mum sighed. “I imagine not. But it isn’t always about you, Shannon.”
“I didn’t come here to fight,” I replied through gritted teeth. “I’ve just been to see Logan. He asked me to try to work things out with you and I promised I would.”
“Fine.” Amanda crossed her arms over her chest, eyes narrowed. “You can start with where you’ve been for the last few months and why there’s a tattoo on your back that wasn’t there before.”
Damn. My shirt must have ridden up when I hugged Dad. “Okay. Let’s sit down.”
* * *
“I cannot believe this!” Amanda shot to her feet once I was done telling them the story of my life in Edinburgh. “This just takes the biscuit.”
“It’s not like that.” I glowered up at her. “You can’t possibly believe I’d be so stupid again. Not after everything we’ve all been through.”
“Yes, yes, I can!”
“Amanda,” Dad said gruffly. “Calm down.”
“Look.” I drew her annoyed gaze from Dad to me. “I explained about me and Cole. I was just as suspicious and wary of him as anyone who has been through what I’ve been through would be. But he’s a good guy. He’s the one that’s believed in me. He’s gotten me here. He’s gotten me to face Logan.”
The panic gripping my chest was unbearable. I wanted to run from the house—and from that feeling—but I couldn’t because I’d bloody well promised. So I had to face my family’s response and I had to convince them I wasn’t making a mistake in dating Cole.
“I want to meet him.” Amanda glared at me. “I can come to Edinburgh and I’ll decide.”