She was crying at this point but I needed her to understand me. She always bitched and complained that we were too overprotective of her, but sometimes she was the same way. She just never saw it. It was time for her to figure it out on her own; she was a Cahill after all, at least for now.
She whimpered, “I’m sorry.”
I pulled her to me and crushed my lips to hers, making sure she knew there was no reason to be sorry.
13
Motherhood was agreeing with me, according to my mother, she told me so when she stopped by the next morning to visit with her grandson and me. Hunter refused to leave our sides, while I loved him something fierce, he was getting on my last nerve.
After he carried me downstairs and got me settled in the recliner, Mom sent him to the store with a shopping list. She told him to go to the store across town, she claimed they had baby formula on sale, but I knew it was her way of making him stay out longer.
“Thanks Mom.” I said to her when Hunter left.
She smiled, “Of course baby girl. You looked like you were going to strangle him if he asked you if you were ok one more time.”
I huffed, she’d been here five minutes and she could tell already, “Yeah. I don’t mind that he’s hovering after everything we’ve been through, but damn, I need to breathe a little.”
She chuckled and laid Ryder down next to her on the couch to change his diaper. “So how are you really feeling?” She asked.
How did I feel? Should I lie and tell her everything was perfect? Or should I tell her the truth? Decisions, decisions.
“You want the truth?” I asked honestly.
“Always.”
“Will my body ever go back to the way it was before my pregnancy? I mean it took nine months to create him, please tell me it takes no more than nine months for everything to go back?” There, I could start with that. I’d keep the deep shit for later on.
She grimaced, “Not exactly. But that’s not a bad thing at all, just ask Chloe. Why? What’s going on?”
“What do you mean, not a bad thing? I want my body back, Mom.” I whined, trying to fight back the tears.
She’d finished snapping up Ryder’s pajamas and placed him in his swing. She came over and sat on the arm of the recliner, put her arm around me and I leaned in to her. I missed my mom; I missed our little chats in the morning. I even missed her bitching and complaining about my brothers pissing on the toilet seat or my dad working long crazy hours at work.
“Baby girl, tell me what’s going on in that brain of yours.”
She still held me tight to her, “I can’t bring myself to look in the mirror, Mom. I’m so ugly now. I have this little pouch and these stretch marks.” I was sobbing trying to get the last part out. “You should’ve seen the way Hunter was looking at me last night, Mom.”
She brought my head down to rest on her leg and ran her hands through my hair. She continued to do this until I finally calmed down. I wiped my face with the blanket that was draped over my legs, took a few deep breaths and then lifted my head. “Sorry Mom.”
“Oh baby girl, don’t ever be sorry.” She grabbed my good hand and held onto it. “I’m sure Hunter wasn’t looking at you any differently. That boy sees nothing but you, MacKenzie. You’re beautiful inside and out, Hunter adores you.”
I shuddered. I hoped that was still true.
She pointed to Ryder who was snoozing in his swing. “Look at that baby, MacKenzie, he came from you. Yes, maybe he took some of your beauty, but would you have it any other way? You lost some, he gained it.”
“I feel like I’ve failed him, Mom. I wasn’t there when he needed me the most; I missed his first week of life.” I told her, still shuddering.
“And there’s nothing we can do to change that sweetie. What’s done is done. Hunter was there to step in and he did an amazing job. Most boys his age would be running for the damn hills and never looking back. Just thank your lucky stars that boy is head over heels for you. Let the past be in the past.”
The house phone rang, Mom patted my hand and then let go to answer it. I heard her from the kitchen, “Hello.”
I knew my mom was right, in a way, but it ate at me every time I looked at my boys. One day, hopefully, I’ll be able to leave it in the past like Mom said.
“Hello. Who’s there?”
“Hello.” That’s been happening a lot this week, every time I answered the phone, it’s always just someone breathing down the line.
“Well that was weird, all I heard was breathing.” Mom said when she walked back into the living room.
“Yeah, I think it’s time we get the number changed. Probably some kids playing games.”
“Yeah, maybe. So what else is going on?” Mom asked. She sat on the couch, where there was a basket full of clothes. She picked up a pair of Ryder’s little pants and folded it.
“I feel like there’s a shit storm brewing and everyone is hiding from me. I can only ever get Hailey on the phone. Jaylinn comes here after work but claims she’s tired and goes to bed. Chloe is the only one who comes over for a visit and doesn’t run. Christ, I can’t even get Mason to come over, as a much of a pain in the ass as he is. I’m about to tell him something’s wrong just to lure him here.”
Mom laughed and shrugged her shoulders, “I don’t know what’s going on. Maybe you should have Hunter call them all and plan something for this weekend. Your dad and I would love to spend some time with Ryder for a little while.”
“Yeah, maybe I will.” Mom continued folding the clothes while I watched a movie on Lifetime.
After CC and I took our shower together, I wrapped her in my arms until she was sound asleep. After I knew she was out for the night, I got up and crept downstairs to check on Jaylinn and Cooper, who were still watching Ryder for us. Cooper was in the kitchen warming up a bottle for Ryder when he told me to call his dad; apparently he’d wanted to talk to me.
I rang him and after spending some time on the phone, I felt a little more at ease that he was taking care of the situation. I hadn’t really expected anything less; I mean we’re talking about his daughter and grandson. Not to mention the fact that she was completely clueless about any of this.
He’d explained that he’s known about my whole situation since we’d moved here. I was informed that Mom had confided in Mrs. Cahill. Apparently they’d gotten to drinking one night, shortly after meeting, and had hit it off. The next morning she’d been worried that she’d told Mrs. Cahill too much and that we’d be moving again. She needed to keep us safe. Mrs. Cahill had sat her down for coffee and they’d talked for hours, while Jaylinn and I were out playing with the Cahill’s at the baseball field behind their house.