She did, perching on the edge of the chair on the opposite side of his desk.
“You look nice,” he said.
Suddenly, her suit felt more like a costume than something she had always been comfortable wearing. “Thank you,” came out polite and automatic.
“Is there something you need?” he asked. “Has someone been bothering you again?”
She wasn’t about to tattle, so she kept what had happened with Torr to herself. “No. I’m fine. Thank you.”
“Then…what can I do for you?”
She pulled in a breath for courage. “I’m leaving. I just came to tell you.”
“Who’s going with you?”
“No one. I need to rebuild my life. Alone.”
Joseph began shaking his head before she’d even finished speaking. “No. We’ve discussed this. I’m sorry, but that’s out of the question. It’s too much of a risk for you to live outside of these walls.”
“It’s not your decision.”
“Is this about Samson? Because if it is, I can make some kind of arrangement.”
An ache radiated out from deep in her heart. Samson was a half-demon baby that Iain had delivered a few weeks ago. The child’s mother had died giving him life, and despite the odds, he’d lived more than just the day or two that most children like him survived.
She’d grown attached to him in a short time, but he’d been taken away to live with foster parents outside the walls of Dabyr. Joseph had claimed that his presence was too much of a risk to the other children here, that there was no way to know if he’d turn evil and attack.
Some of the less human offspring of the Synestryn demons had done just that. She’d seen it happen.
“He’s just a baby,” she told him for what felt like the hundredth time.
“He’s half Synestryn. Until we know what that means, I’m not taking any risks with the people under my care. We’ve been through this, Jackie. I’m not changing my mind.”
She understood. She missed the little guy, but she couldn’t blame Joseph for being careful. There were so many people—so many children—here who depended on him and the decisions he made. Having been in a position of power herself, she understood how difficult that balancing act could be.
“This isn’t about Samson. I need to leave. I’m stronger now. I need to find a life. A real one, not one filled with monsters.”
Joseph seemed to bow under some unseen weight. “You can never go back to the way things were before you were abducted.”
“I can try.”
“All you’ll do is get yourself killed, and I’m sorry, but I can’t let you do that. We need you too much.”
Anger spiked through her, making her tone sharp. “You need something from me that I’ll never be willing to give.”
“I think you’re wrong. I think that once you get to know us better, once you’ve healed, you’ll change your mind.”
“I am healed.” It was a lie, but one she would keep on telling until it was the truth. Despite her weakness, despite the nightmares and the scars left behind, she would be fine. Eventually.
He lifted a skeptical brow. “Really? Is that why you’ve been hiding in your suite for weeks?”
“I don’t like the way the men look at me. The way they touch me.”
“There’s only one way to stop that. Pick one.”
“No.”
He let out a long sigh. “If you leave, the Synestryn will come after you. They’ll find you. You’ll be right back in a dark cave somewhere, hoping one of us comes to the rescue. And that’s if they don’t simply kill you outright.”
Bleak, violent memories threatened to steal her breath. Fear crushed her lungs. Her vision dimmed, and she swayed in her seat. All those poor children being hurt. Used. She couldn’t face that anymore. She’d rather die.
It took Jackie a moment to beat those memories back, and the effort left her shaking and weak. She’d come a long way over the past few weeks, but she had a long way to go to get back to the woman she’d once been. If she didn’t stand on her own two feet now, she feared she’d never be herself again—that she’d end up depending on these people for the rest of her pitiful life.
She couldn’t meet Joseph’s eyes. “What choice do I have? I can’t live here. I don’t want to be a part of your world.”
“I’m sorry, but what you want is irrelevant. You are part of our world. You were born into it—you just didn’t know it until now. Whatever natural protection your ignorance afforded you is gone. If you leave the safety of these walls, the Synestryn will come for you.”
Denial rose up in a swift, hot wave. Her words came out through clenched teeth. “I’ll fight them. I won’t let them take me alive.”
“So…what? You’re ready to die?”
“Of course not, I just—”
“You’re just willing to let a good man go to his death because you’re too selfish to do the right thing.” His biting tone took her aback.
“It’s not like that.”
“No?” he asked, rising to his feet. “That’s the way it looks to me. We saved you. We sheltered and fed you. All we ask is that you step up and do what you were born to do.”
“I wasn’t born for…this.” She waved her hand at the weapons and maps.
Joseph shrugged. “You’re making it hard for me to have any sympathy for you. My men are dying. You can save one. I really don’t care whether it’s what you wanted to do with your life.”
“Is it really that simple for you?”
“Yes.”
She let out a frustrated sigh. “You saw what happened when I tried to go out and lend a hand with Paul and Andra. That didn’t exactly go well.”
“You weren’t bonded then. You had no power. And despite that, you found Samson.”
“No, Iain found Samson, or should I say he found a thing he was willing to kill. There’s not a bit of warmth in him anywhere.”
“He’s possibly the best warrior I have. I don’t ask for warm and fuzzy. I ask that he gets the job done.”
Jackie was certain he did that. She’d seen him in action the night he’d pulled her and the others out of those caves. She’d seen the lethal violence that he was capable of. And when he’d stood between her and the monsters, she’d never felt safer.
“You don’t want me to leave. I don’t want to hide in my suite all the time to avoid being pawed by strange men. What am I supposed to do with myself?”
Joseph crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back in his chair. “Pick one of the men. Then I’ll let you go out. You can even go see Samson if you like.”
She stared at him for a long, shocked moment. “You’d really play dirty like that?”
“I’m not playing.”
She could see that. His posture was closed, his expression hard, and there wasn’t so much as a hint of a smile anywhere.
“Why are you doing this?” she asked.
“I need you to give the men hope. They’re good men. Whoever you pick would give his life to keep you happy and safe. Hell, even the ones you don’t pick will.”
“It’s not what I want.”
“I thought I’d made it clear that I don’t give a fuck about what you want. We saved your pretty little ass and kept it safe for weeks now. I’d say it’s time to pay up.”
“I didn’t realize my rescue came with strings attached.”
“Damn it!” He scrubbed his hand over his head, mussing his dark hair. When he spoke, he sounded exhausted and used up. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it the way it came out. You’re welcome here for as long as you like, no strings attached.”
“But you won’t let me leave.”
“No. You’re too precious to risk. If you want out, you go with a Theronai—one you’ve chosen.”
“I’m not picking.”
“You will. Eventually, you’ll get tired of men fighting over you. I just hope that they don’t kill each other in the process.”
The thought horrified her. “They wouldn’t do that,” she breathed.
He moved around the desk and got too close. She surged to her feet and took a step back, putting the chair between them.
He scowled at her action, but didn’t try to get closer. “You can’t possibly understand what these men are suffering—what they’d do to make the pain stop.”
“Don’t tell me I don’t understand suffering. I spent two years in caves at the mercy of those monsters while they tortured and killed innocents.”
“I’m not trying to diminish what you’ve been through, but at least now your suffering is over. Ours isn’t. You can’t change that for all of us, but you can change that for one man, save one soul. Is that really too much to ask?”
It wasn’t. She knew deep down that her hesitation was more about fear and selfishness than about doing what was right.
“What if you’re wrong? What if I pick the wrong man? How can you ask me to choose whose life to save, knowing that the others may die?”
“You still don’t get it, do you?” he asked. “You may choose only one man, but your decision will give hope to all the others. It will help them hold on longer. Keep fighting. Resist giving in to the pain.”
“How can I give anyone hope when I’m so messed up?”
Joseph shook his head. “I don’t know. All I ask is that you try.”
She’d fail. She wasn’t cut out for this kind of life. She really only had one option.
Jackie sighed in defeat. “If I do as you ask and pick one of the men, will you stand aside and let me leave?”
“I will.”
“Promise me.” She knew their promises were binding, and that once he gave his word, he couldn’t go back on it.
Joseph looked her in the eyes. “I vow that if you choose one of the men to be your partner, I will allow you to leave.”
A heaviness bore down on her and she scrambled to grab the desk before she collapsed.
She could hear the smile in his voice. “I’ll gather the men right now. You won’t regret this, Jackie.”
She already did, and as soon as he figured out what she was up to, so would he.
The moment word got out that Jackie was choosing a man, Dabyr descended into a state of chaos. Men ran through the halls, pushing and shoving to get their spot in line. Iain made sure Cain and the rest of the Band had a front-row seat to the ceremony, hoping Jackie would choose one of them. He found himself a nice, empty spot in back, and settled in to watch the show.
The velvet-draped auditorium was rarely used, but the formal setting was fitting for what was about to take place.
Helen led Jackie onstage and whispered a few quiet words to her sister. Now that they were standing together, Iain could see a resemblance in the women—proof of the Athanasian father they shared.
Whatever Helen had said, it had made Jackie’s face go pale. Her wild, gray eyes roamed over the crowd, and he could see the fine trembling of her hands.