She made sense and that really annoyed him. “Maybe I just wanted to get you into bed.”
He’d expected her to flinch. Instead she shook her head. “If that was true, you would have made your move before now. I’ve been here two hours and you’ve barely touched me.” She drew in a deep breath, then tucked her hair behind her ears. Her mouth straightened. “Hasn’t it occurred to you that the reason I can understand your situation with your father is that I’m facing something similar myself? You’re not the only one caught up in the past. You’re not the only one who is angry. You think I don’t feel the same way? It’s hard, Arizona. You want to reconcile with your father, but you don’t know if he’s suffered enough. I want to forgive my parents, and Billy, and even Aunt Charity, but the pain and anger are all I have. If I let that go, will I lose the last little bits of them and myself that I have?”
“You’re making sense,” he grumbled. “I really hate that.”
“It’s hard,” she told him. “I am so furious at my parents. I hate them for dying. I hate them for naming Aunt Charity as our guardian. Because of that Cassie and I got split up. I hate that they left me the house. I’m their daughter by birth and the house has been in the family for generations, but it was still wrong.” Anger flashed in her eyes. “People matter more than things and they should have recognized how their actions would hurt Cassie. She has always felt like an outsider. Her only goal in life is to belong. To find roots. That’s why she desperately wants the family legend about the nightgown to be true. So she can wear it on her birthday and dream about her fantasy man.”
Arizona cupped her cheek. Chloe leaned into his touch. “I’ll never forgive Billy for dying after he promised he wouldn’t,” she continued. “I’m enraged at Aunt Charity for being gone. I know, she had her own life. No one expected her to stay home in case her brother died without warning. I know it, but I can’t make my heart believe it. I live with this pain and rage and so do you. But I’m starting to see that we have to figure out a way to let it go. We both hurt, Arizona. But if the wound stays open too long, it gets infected and then we die. I’m not talking about real death, but emotional death. Isn’t that worse? Is that more tragic?”
“I don’t know.”
He held his arms open and she came into them. They hugged each other. He’d felt close to her from the moment he’d met her. Their lovemaking had only cemented the strange bond he couldn’t explain. But that was nothing when compared to what he was feeling now. He’d never felt this connected to another person in his life. They came from completely different backgrounds. They believed different things. Chloe was a realist and he made his living searching for the mystical. Yet underneath, they were exactly alike.
“See,” she whispered, her breath coming in short puffs against his chest. “I’m a horrible person.”
“No, you’re a very honest one and I admire that.”
“Were you listening? I can’t believe it’s been eleven years and I’m still mad at my folks. I’ve got to learn to let that go.”
“Hey, it’s been more than thirty years and I still don’t like talking to my father. I’m much worse.”
“No, I am.”
He chuckled. “Interesting argument that for reasons I can’t explain I feel compelled to win. When I was ten and we were in Africa, I sneaked into the tribal elder’s tent and stole a pipe. I got all the other boys to smoke it with me and we all ended up sick.”
“Not bad. When I was ten, Cassie got a new dress for some reason, and I didn’t. I was so furious, I threatened to hold my breath until I got one, too. My mother wasn’t impressed. Unfortunately for her, I actually did hold it until I passed out. I really scared her. Once I learned the trick, I kept doing it for about six months. I thought she was going to kill me.”
He smiled and kissed the top of her head. “I stole an elephant.”
“Goodness. Where on earth would you hide it?”
“I didn’t. I took it for a joyride. Well, sort of. We didn’t go very fast.”
She laughed. “I convinced Cassie to surprise our parents by scenting their bedroom. I had her pour perfume on the bed and the carpet. The stink would not go away. They ended up getting a new mattress and carpeting.”
“I don’t know if I can top that one,” he told her.
Her laughter was soft and sweet. He liked this, he realized. Being with her, holding her, laughing together. He felt safe talking about his past. Even if Chloe didn’t agree, she wouldn’t judge him. She might speak her mind and say some things he didn’t want to hear, but that was a small price to pay for acceptance. Besides, he liked that she was honest.
“It’s good that we’re spending time with each other,” she said. “I doubt anyone else would want to put up with us.”
“You know that’s not true.”
She tilted her head back and looked at him. “You’re right, I do. But it’s fun to pretend.” Her humor faded. “I’m glad we talked about all of this. Our conversation has shown me that it’s time to let go of the past.”
“Are you ready?”
“I think so.” She pulled back and gave him a rueful smile. “I don’t mind forgiving my parents or Billy. It wasn’t really their fault they died. But not being mad at Aunt Charity is going to be harder. I didn’t get it until just a few moments ago when we started talking about all this, but I finally understand what’s been going on with her. By staying angry, I didn’t have to worry about her getting too close. If she died or left, I wouldn’t miss her. This has all been a way to protect myself from getting hurt.”
“I’m impressed,” he said, and tapped the tip of her nose. “That’s very insightful.”
“I don’t mind being insightful, but I really resent having to act on what I’ve discovered. Still, I’m a strong person and keeping her at arm’s length out of fear is the coward’s way out. I’m going to have to make peace with her and deal with the consequences.”
“I’m sure she’s going to live a long life and you won’t have to worry about losing her anytime soon.”
“I hope you’re right, but it doesn’t matter. I can’t spend the rest of my life avoiding caring about someone because I’m afraid they’re going to leave me or run away.”
She raised her chin in a gesture of strength and defiance. He respected both her decision and her fearlessness. Self-examination was never easy. He knew that firsthand. But if Chloe hadn’t gone easy on herself—could he do any less?
He looked at the phone. He knew what his father wanted and why. Was that enough? Could he let go of the past and forgive an old man who had been driven by pain and loss? The adult side of him was willing to give it a chance, but the hurt child inside wanted restitution. Unfortunately there was nothing his father could do to make up for hurting him.
“Only if it feels right,” Chloe whispered.
It did.
He picked up the receiver and dialed the number from memory. His father answered on the first ring.
“It’s Arizona.”
“I didn’t expect to hear from you, son.” His father sounded surprised, but pleased. There was no wariness in his voice, no attempt to protect himself against possible attack.
Arizona glanced at his watch. “I didn’t realize the time. It’s after midnight. I’m sorry if I woke you.”
“You didn’t. That’s one of the ironies of old age. I have less to do with my day than ever before, yet I need less sleep. I could have used this time twenty years ago but that’s what happens.”
“I’m sorry I was such a jerk when you called earlier.”
The older man sighed heavily. “Don’t apologize. You have every right to be furious with me. What I did…I won’t try to excuse it. I was wrong. I’ve realized that over the years. I should have known that you and I could help each other out. But I was too caught up in my pain. I was so selfish.”
“I understand.”
“You don’t have to, son. Your mother—” His voice broke. “She was my world. When I lost her, I wanted to die, too. I didn’t care about anything or anyone. I’m so sorry about that. Even as I left you alone, I knew it was wrong. I knew she would be disappointed in me if she ever knew. But I couldn’t stop myself.”
“It’s okay.” He cleared his throat. “Dad, really, it is.”
Dad. He’d never said the word before. He’d always used “Father” or “old man.” Nothing friendly or personal.
Chloe moved close to him. He put his arm around her and squeezed. She was his lifeline in this unfamiliar sea of emotion.
“I should have come after you,” his father continued. “I didn’t want you to go away, but it was also easier to try and forget with you out of the country. I didn’t know about all you went through,” he said quietly. “With your grandfather. I thought he would take better care of you. I should have realized the truth. I’m sorry about that, too.”
Arizona suffered through a flash of guilt. “There were some tough times,” he said. “But it wasn’t all bad. I learned a lot. I wouldn’t be doing what I do today, if I hadn’t traveled all over the world.”
“I appreciate you trying to make me feel better, but I know what I did and didn’t do. I was never a father to you. But if it’s not too late, perhaps we could get to know each other and become friends.”
Arizona thought of all the times he’d refused the older man’s invitations. Of all the times he’d sworn at him, hung up on him or ignored him. Yet his father was still trying, still asking to see him. His father was the only family he had. Why was he willing to let that bond stay broken?
His chest was tight and it was hard to speak. Even so he forced himself to say, “I’d like that. I’m going to be busy until I leave for the island, but we could get together when I get back.”
“Could I come see you this summer? On the island?”
Despite the emotion flooding him, Arizona couldn’t repress a grin. How would his banker father, a man who had only ever loved one woman in his life, who had mourned her for more than thirty years, survive in a society run for and by women? Visitors were often seduced by widows and unmarried females. Arizona had been in a couple of difficult situations himself until the shaman had taken him under her wing and offered protection.
“That might not be a bad idea,” he said. “I’ll get together some literature and send it along to you. If you decide you want to make the trip, you can let me know and I’ll meet you in Guam.”
“I’d like that, son.” His father cleared his throat. “It is late and I should probably let you go. Thanks for giving me another chance.”
“You’re welcome. Thank you for not giving up on me.”
“I love you, son.”
Arizona sucked in a breath. “You, too, Dad. I’ll talk to you soon.”
He waited until his father hung up the phone before he replaced the receiver. He glanced at Chloe and saw tears on her cheeks.
“That was so great,” she told him. “I’m so glad you called him and talked to him. How do you feel?”
“A little strange. Relieved and nervous, I guess. I’m not sure about him visiting me.” He told her a little about the culture on the island. “My father is nearly seventy. I think he might be threatened by the ladies wanting to take his equipment for a test-drive.”
Chloe wiped her face with the back of her hand and smiled. “It might be just the thing he needs to give him a new lease on life.”
“I hadn’t thought of that. You’re right. He might enjoy the challenge.” He closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. “How does everything get so complicated? These familial relationships get twisted and broken and yet we stumble on. My grandfather abandoned his own wife and child to travel the world. He was an adventurer at heart. He told me once that he never should have married, but when a girl from a good family turns up pregnant, there’s not much a man can do.”
“Your father grew up without his father?” Chloe asked.
Arizona nodded. “He swore he would be different, that he would marry for love and never leave her side. Which was true, even in death. But he also abandoned me as he had been abandoned.”
“So he only learned part of the lesson.”
He shrugged, not sure what his father had learned. Maybe they were all doomed to repeat each other’s mistakes.
“You break the cycle by not believing in love and I assume as a by-product of that, not marrying or having children,” Chloe said, as if she could read his mind.
“Something like that.”
“It is one way to deal with the problem.”
“Not one you approve of?” he asked.
“It’s not my place to approve or disapprove,” she told him. “I’m just glad you want to work things out with your father and that you’re going to see him soon.”
“Me, too.” He wanted to say more. He wanted to tell her that she was so incredibly beautiful, sitting there in the lamplight. He wanted to tell her that he appreciated the fact that she’d agreed to talk with him tonight, to be a friend when he needed one. Her support had given him the strength to do what was right.
But he couldn’t find the words. He could only look at her and want her.