I wasn’t ready to look at this as a glass half full. “And what about Cassie? I don’t think she’ll get to have any do-overs.”
He dropped his hands, eyes downcast. “That’s the hardest part to swallow.”
We left before Cassie’s grandfather could throw us out. I didn’t want to go home yet, so Carson suggested a late lunch. He parked the bike across from a cemetery that was about the same size as the town. Tourists were everywhere, taking pictures of the old orphanage and the back of the Jennie Wade House, the home of the only civilian killed during the Battle of Gettysburg. As I followed Carson into a pub next to the orphanage, I almost wanted to join the tourists.
I felt like them, except I just happened to be sightseeing my own life.
Carson picked a booth in the back and handed me a menu. There was a curious look on his face as he watched me.
“What?” I asked.
He gave a slight shake of his head. “If someone had said a month ago that I’d be eating lunch with you, I would’ve told them to get off the crack.”
I laughed, turning my attention to the menu. “I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing.”
“Neither, I guess. What I mean is that you never would’ve gone out with me like this.”
“But we were best friends.”
“When we were little,” he said, tapping his fingers on the edge of the table. “We haven’t been civil toward each other for years.”
My cheeks heated as I remembered the things I’d learned that I had said to him. “I was such a bitch.”
“You had your moments,” he said lightly.
I peeked up at him through my lashes. “You know what I don’t get? Why you’re so nice to me now when I was such a jerk to you.”
The low-hanging ceiling lamp glinted in his bright eyes. “Like I said, you had your moments.”
“Good ones?”
He shrugged, and I didn’t think I was going to get anything else out of him. Maybe I hadn’t had any good moments, but then he let out a low breath. “When you weren’t with Cassie and Mars was aligned with Jupiter, you could be like you used to be.”
A faint smile pulled at my lips. “Wow. All that for me to be nice?”
Carson’s grin was fast. Several seconds went by. “When my mom…when she passed away two years ago, you came to the funeral. Scott was there. Of course he was, but I didn’t expect to see you there. Your father came, too, but you weren’t with him or your brother. Afterward, when I was at home, you surprised me again.”
“I did?” I whispered, watching him.
He nodded slowly. “There were a lot of people at our house. Mom had a lot of friends. She loved you, by the way.” One side of his lips tipped up again as his gaze settled on the menu. “You visited her, you know? When hospice came in and when I wasn’t home, you visited her. I don’t think you wanted me to know that you did, so I never brought it up, but I know my mom appreciated that and I…I did, too. Anyway, after the funeral, I needed to get away to think.”
“You went to the tree house?” I asked, remembering what he’d said before.
“Yep,” he replied quietly. “I wasn’t in there for more than twenty minutes, and then you kind of came out of nowhere. Climbed up into that damn house. You didn’t say anything, but you sat down beside me and…”
“And what?” I felt as if I was hearing about someone else’s history, and I was fascinated.
He leaned back, running the palm of his hand over his jaw. “You just hugged me. You know, like, for a while. You never said anything and finally you left. We’ve never talked about it. Sometimes I wonder if it really happened.”
My heart tripped up, and relief eased some of the tense muscles in my shoulders. It was nice to hear that I had some redeemable moments. “I’m sorry about your mother, Carson.”
He nodded again. “Anyway, like I said, you had your moments.”
Realizing that was all I was going to get from him, I crossed my legs and looked at the menu again. “When this place was Spiritfield’s, it had the best crab cheese fries ever. Scott and I used to fight over them.”
Carson sucked in a sharp breath. “Sam?”
My mouth dropped open as I looked up. How had I known that? “I don’t know why I said that.”
He continued to stare at me, and pieces of what I’d said floated together in my brain. I could almost see us—my brother and me, much younger, sitting at a booth just like this, pulling apart a gooey mess of fries and cheese.
Excitement swept through me. I almost came out of my seat. “I remember eating here with Scott.”
“It hasn’t been called Spiritfield’s for years, Sam.”
I nodded eagerly, a wide smile pulling at my lips. “I don’t remember anything else, but that’s something right?”
“It’s something.” He smiled, but it didn’t reach those eyes of his.
Before I could question it, the waitress appeared to take our orders, and buzzing on having one clear, nondisturbing memory, I didn’t want to push my luck. For the first time in days, I felt as if I’d actually accomplished something. I threw myself into having lunch with Carson, laughing at his jokes and the stories he told me about when we were young, getting swept up in the crazy rush of feelings whenever our eyes would meet or our fingers would accidentally brush. I couldn’t stop smiling, and when it came time to get back on the bike, he didn’t need to pull my arms around him.
I did that without even thinking twice.
When we arrived at Carson’s house, I realized I was reluctant to climb off the bike and go back home. It was like living two lives—the one the old Sammy existed in and the one that was taking place right now. That feeling, as Carson slid off the bike and turned to me, was confusing as hell.
Wordlessly, he unbuckled my chin strap and gently pulled my helmet off. His eyes were hooded, hidden under thick lashes, and unreadable. I wanted to thank him for going along with me today, to tell him that I had fun in spite of why we’d made the trip to Cassie’s house, but any and all words died on my lips. There was a strange, powerful tension that crept over us, heady and warm, as he placed the helmet on the bike. I opened my mouth to say something again, but the strain built, stealing my breath, shocking me.
Carson placed his hands on my h*ps and easily lifted me off the bike, placing my feet on the ground, but he didn’t just let go. His hands remained tight on my hips. An unknown need sprang alive, one I didn’t fully understand. My skin felt tingly, hot. His steady breath teased the hair at my temple. My pulse jumped. What I was feeling was wrong. I knew that, because this should be happening with Del and not Carson. But what I was feeling was so startlingly real. Like a splash of vibrant color in a world that was a dark, drab gray.
Very slowly, Carson lifted his fingers and stepped back. He chest rose sharply, and when he spoke, his voice was rough and deep. “I’ve got to go.”
Still speechless, I nodded.
His gaze dropped to my lips, and he took another step back. “I’ll see you later, Sam.”
In a daze, I started back to my house. Something ticked at the far corners of my thoughts. There’d been a moment, when his breath was warm against my skin, that it had felt right even though it was wrong. And more than that, it had felt familiar.
It happened in second period on Monday. I’d been busy pretending to pay attention when I was really thinking about Carson and what happened between us on Saturday. Had I imagined it? Had he felt it? Was it really even important considering everything that was going on?
A chorus of cell phones went off, one beep after another. Mr. Campbell stopped midlecture and sighed. “Turn off the phones, people.”
No one listened. I glanced at Veronica as I dug out my own chirping phone. She was faster than me, pulling that cell out of her bag like a gunslinger.
Veronica’s complexion turned a ghastly white under her tan. She lifted her head and turned to me, her eyes wide and wet.
A low murmur picked up, rolling like a wave through the class. The text was from Lauren and just six words. Six words that should’ve changed everything, but there’d been a part of me that had been expecting it.
Maybe I already knew.
They found Cassie’s body. She’s dead.
Chapter ten
The rest of the morning was a blur. Cassie was dead. That was all I could think about. She was dead. And there was a part of me that had been expecting it, waiting for it, even. Tendrils of fear curled around the lump of sorrow that had formed in my chest. It was tight, impossible to unravel.
Carson was subdued in bio, asking once if I was okay and then not saying too much the rest of the class. Del was waiting for me by my locker. He pulled my stiff, unyielding body into his arms and murmured something sympathetic in a choked voice.
I thought of the photo of them together—Cassie in his lap, his hand on her hip.
Cassie—the best friend I couldn’t remember, the dead girl.
People were staring at us. I hated it.
I let Del lead me out of the school. No one stopped us. Every face we passed mirrored a mixture of shock and dismay. Everyone knew her, whether they wanted to or not. In a numb, detached way, I wondered if they grieved for her, or just for the fact that death didn’t care about petty things like age.
“Don’t you know? Fear and popularity go hand in hand,” a soft, feminine voice whispered in my ear. “Let’s rule with an iron fist.”
I jerked around, gasping. My eyes darted around the pavilion. No one was there.
“Come on,” Del said, eyeing me with concern. “We’re getting out of here.”
Following him around the school, I kept glancing over my shoulder. Had I really heard that voice, or had it been a memory wiggling free?
Maybe I was seriously going crazy. That was always a possibility—a likelihood.
There were several concrete benches on the patio behind the school between the football field and a smaller rec building. Everyone I knew was out there, sitting on the cold, hard surfaces.
Veronica, Candy, and Lauren took up one of the benches. Scott and Julie occupied another while Carson had one all to himself. I sat with Del, wholly aware of his hand around mine and the way Carson stiffened, focusing on the field behind us. I had to fight not to pull away from my boyfriend. He didn’t deserve the cold shoulder, not from me.
“I can’t believe she’s dead.” Veronica was the first to speak, sniffling daintily. “I mean, the longer she was missing, I knew it was going to end this way, but I hoped she’d be like Sammy.”
That she’d just show up somewhere.
Lauren wiped under her eyes with two fingers as she clutched an oversize white purse to her chest. “It’s just so horrible thinking about her being there….”
“In the water,” Candy whispered, shuddering as she continuously ran her fingers through her hair. “I don’t think I can ever swim in that lake again.”
Julie’s brows arched as she glanced at a tight-lipped Scott. I wondered why they were even here. I knew they weren’t close to Cassie or anyone else here. So what else didn’t I know? Everything, it seemed.
“Did anyone say what kind of condition…she was in?” asked Veronica. “I wonder if the casket will be open.”
Scott sat back, shaking his head. “She was in the lake. Who knows for how long? An open casket is probably going to be the last thing anyone is thinking of.”
Veronica’s eyes narrowed. “I’m just saying that Cassie wouldn’t want anyone to see her unless she was…
“The most beautiful girl in the room,” I murmured.
Del’s hand tightened around mine. “What did you say?”
I shivered. Again, I had no idea where those words had come from. Everyone was staring at me, waiting for an explanation. Shaking my head, I pulled my hand free.
“You said ‘most beautiful girl in the room.’” Veronica stood, smoothing her hand down her dark jeans. “That’s exactly what Cassie would’ve said. What you would’ve said. Have you…remembered something?”
Clasping my hands together, I fought the urge to start biting my nails. “No.”
“Then why did you say that?” she demanded, eyes flashing.
“I don’t know—sometimes these words just kind of come out.” I glanced at Del, but he was staring at his hands.
“What? Like Tourette’s?” Del laughed under his breath.
My cheeks heated with embarrassment and something far stronger. “It’s not like Tourette’s, asshole.”
“What?” He looked up, his smile fading. “I know it’s not. Come on, calm down.” He reached for me, but I scooted across the bench. “Sam, it was just a question.”
“A stupid question,” Carson said, his jaw clenched tight.
Del’s eyes narrowed into thin slits. “Why are you even here?”
“Good question,” he muttered, but he leaned back, stretching out his legs and crossing his arms over his broad chest. Carson wasn’t leaving anytime soon.
“Wait. Why isn’t Trey here?” I asked.
Candy pulled out a nail file. “He didn’t come to school today. I think he was sick or something.”
“Do you think he knows?” Julie asked, wrapping her arms around my brother and pressing her cheek against his shoulder.
“Of course he does.” Candy rolled her eyes, filing away at one of her nails. “Everyone knows.”
Julie shot the girl a look like she wanted to punch her in the face. I wanted to punch someone, but mostly out of frustration. “You know what I find strange?” Julie said, closing her eyes.