Later that night, Jackson called me with the news. My dad had died. I didn’t go back to see him, or my mom.
I just got on my bike and rode until I could get my head straight. I didn’t read my father's note either. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Words on paper from a dying man wouldn’t change anything.
It was too late for that.
Thirty-Two BELL
“Come on, Bell. For me?”
“I just don’t want to go out, okay?” I tell Lissy over the phone for the fifth time this week.
“Locking yourself in your room crying over him will not make you feel better. You need to get out. Some fresh air wouldn’t hurt.” Lissy has been on my case the last five days, ever since she found out what happened with Jesse and me. Now I wish I would have just kept my mouth shut and not told anyone about the whole fiasco.
“I don’t need air. I need you to quit calling me and asking me to go out for a run,” I reply, snapping my textbook closed. I don’t know how I’m supposed to get any work done around this place. Between my mom and sister checking in on me, and Lissy, Kate and Manda ringing every five minutes, I haven’t even had a chance to go through my thoughts.
“I’m worried about you, Bell.”
“I don’t know why you would be. I’m fine.” I tell her the same thing I’ve told everyone. I know what went down with Jesse and I was bad. We both said things I know we regret. That night was a cluster of emotion and stress, but I can’t hold any ill will against him. Ever since I met him, I knew he was dealing with his own issues. I also knew getting into it with him would be dangerous, and maybe that was part of the thrill of it. Deep down a part of me knew it wasn’t going to end well. Jesse is Jesse, and I can’t punish him for wanting to protect me. He came into my life and he made me realize just how unhealthily I was living it. He made me see how I should change it, yet he still accepted me for my flaws. If only he could see the same for himself.
“Bell.” My mom knocks on the door interrupting me. “Someone is here to see you, sweetheart.”
“There is?” I ask a little too hopeful. Calming my racing heart, I ask again. “Who?”
“A woman.” Her lips spread downward when she’s sees my disappointment.
“Oh, okay. Thanks, Mom.” I stand and move toward her, and give her a kiss. She takes me in her arms and squeezes me tightly. A silent reminder that she is here for me.
I pull back and give her a small nod. “I have to go, Lissy. I’ll call you back.”
“You better,” she replies before I hang up. Taking the stairs two at a time, I come to a stop when I notice Holly standing there. She turns as I get to the bottom step.
“Holly?”
“Hey, Bell, how you doing?” Her gaze moves down to my neck, before darting back up to my eyes. She doesn’t comment on the dark purple and grey fingerprints, and for that I’m thankful. I’ve seen the pity and anger in my parents’ eyes every time they look at me; I don’t think I can handle any more.
“I’m great,” I say with too much enthusiasm and I watch her cringe. Okay, Bell, calm the fakeness.
“Do you want to sit?” I nod and move toward our living room.
“Everything okay, Holly?” She doesn’t reply just follows me in. “What’s going on?”
She takes a seat next to me and reaches for my hand. “His dad passed yesterday.” She drops the news and my heart sinks.
“Oh, God. Is he okay?” My mind starts to run a mile a minute as I process everything at once. He’s going to be a mess. “Should I go to him? When’s the funeral?” The questions fly out as soon as they hit my mind.
“Bell, just wait a minute. Sit back down.” She pulls on my hand and I look down and realize I’ve been pacing in my frantic state. Stealing a breath, I force myself to calm down and take a seat.
“He’s not in a good place, Bell. After you left the other night, he’s been messed up. Drinking, fighting with everyone. The boys nearly sent him up to the safe house, he was that bad, but now with the news of his dad…” My head falls to my hands as I picture him processing everything alone. I knew this was going to happen. I didn’t want to push him, but maybe I should have.
“We’ve all tried talking to him, tried to pull him out of it, but nothing is helping. He’s pushing everyone away. The funeral is Saturday. I thought you might like to come. Maybe he might appreciate the support.” I nod in agreement, knowing I’ll have to take the day off. It doesn’t matter; I’d do anything for Jesse.
“I’ll be there, Holly. I will help out any way I can.”
She pulls me into a hug, squeezing lightly before she says, “Thanks so much, Bell. I know things are strained between you two right now, but we both know he loves you, and even if he is a hot head, I know you love him.”
“I do.” It’s all I reply, because really what else is there to say. Jesse might not think he needs anyone right now, and maybe he doesn’t, but he is in a bad place. And regardless of what is happening between us, I am still going to be there for the man I care for.
Love trumps everything and I need to show Jesse that.
“Holly, I really don’t think this is a good idea.” I panic two days later as I fuss at my black dress picking at some lint. Okay, so maybe I’m not so brave after all. After two days of trying to get Jesse on the phone, I eventually gave up and thought I had better chances coming to the clubhouse before the service. Now I’m not so sure.