Sitting on my blanket, legs crossed, hunched over, fingers locked together. Beranabus is at his table, sorting through papers, muttering and whistling. Kernel is exercising, stretching and limbering up. They're setting off to fight demons shortly. They expect me to go with them.
It's crazy. I told Beranabus I wouldn't do it. Leave my own world? Enter the Demonata's realm? Fight monsters like Lord Loss every day? No bloody way, Jo-bloody-se!
Beranabus didn't argue. Just shrugged and said we all have to make our own decisions in life, then went to get ready. I sat by the fire a while longer, watching him and Kernel prepare. Then came back here, where I've been sitting for the last half-hour, silent, numb.
Kernel finishes stretching. Bends, touches his toes, then rises in the air. Slowly turns head over heels. Lands softly on his feet and lets go of his toes. Spots me watching him and walks over. "Having fun?"
"It's better than a circus." I stare up at him, his scars and bruises, the marks of past battles, the fear in his eyes. "How do you do it?" I whisper. "I've fought demons. I know what it's like. How do you find the courage to..."
Kernel shrugs like it's no big deal. Licks his lips and glances at Beranabus, then sits beside me. "I never really had a choice," he says. "I had a brother. Well, I thought... No, let's leave it at that-it gets too complicated otherwise. He was kidnapped by a demon. I followed after him. Met Beranabus and some others-your uncle was one of them."
"You know Dervish?" I ask, surprised.
"Yes. I haven't seen him in thirty-odd years, but we were good friends back then. I wouldn't have survived without him. Is he still a punk?"
"What?" I frown.
"He was a punk. Spiked hair, earrings, leather jacket, chains."
"No," I chuckle. "We must be talking about a different guy. Dervish was never..." I hesitate. How many demon-fighting Disciples called Dervish can there be in the world? "I'll quiz you about that later. Finish telling me about yourself first."
Kernel shrugs. "Things didn't work out with my brother. I returned home, but several years had passed-time works differently in the Demonata's universe. I couldn't pick up the pieces of my old life. I no longer belonged to that world. So I came to work for Beranabus. He taught me how to master my powers and slay demons. I've been doing it ever since."
"What's it like? Do you have days off? Weekends? Holidays?"
Kernel laughs. "Sure-two weeks on a beach of fire in the sunny south of Hades, half-price offseason. Of course we don't have holidays! We don't fight all the time-we have to rest, and Beranabus occasionally has to do something on this world-but we're at it most days of any given year."
"What do you do when you're not fighting?"
"Recover and relax here."
"You don't get out at all? Not even for a day trip?"
"Day trip to where?" Kernel snorts. "I pop up the ladder every now and then for a breath of fresh air. Maybe go for a walk for an hour or two. But it's boiling by day, freezing by night, and there's nothing to see or do."
"Doesn't Beranabus take you with him when he goes away?"
"Rarely," Kernel says hotly. "He prefers it if one of us is here when we're not battling demons, in case anyone tries to contact him. And even when he does take me, it's only ever on business. We're in and out as quickly as possible, keeping a low profile, hiding in the shadows."
He stops. His fingers are trembling. There are hard tears in his eyes, but he's holding them back. I try thinking of something comforting to say, but can't. I want to change the subject, but don't know what to talk to him about. So I ask about his age-not entirely off-topic, but hopefully less of a sore point.
"You said you'd been with Beranabus thirty years, but that can't be right. You don't look more than sixteen or seventeen."
He smiles tiredly. "Like I said, time works differently in the demon universe. It varies from zone to zone. In some places it passes faster than here or at the same rate, but usually it's slower. We're often gone for what feels like a day or two, only to return to find six months have passed here."
"Bloody hell!" I gasp.
Kernel nods miserably. "In real time I've been with Beranabus for... I don't know... maybe four or five years. But thirty or more have slipped by on Earth while we've been off fighting demons."
"That's what Beranabus wants me to sign up for?" I gulp. "Spend my life facing demons? Live in a cave when I'm not working? And go out one day to find that decades have passed and everyone I knew is old or dead?"
"It sounds bad when you put it that way." Kernel laughs hollowly. "It has its rewards. I'm more powerful than just about any living human. And I save the planet from unimaginable dangers on a regular basis. But that's not much comfort when I'm rotting away here or being pummelled by a four-headed giant."
Kernel stands and smirks, a hint of pity in his otherwise bitter, mocking smile. "Welcome to the firm." Then he goes to get ready.
Beranabus works on opening a window to the Demonata's universe. It was a big deal for Dervish when he summoned Lord Loss, but Beranabus is more adept. A few spells, some scrawled symbols on the walls, a silly short dance and the world starts to fade around us. Smoke pours from Beranabus's flesh, all sorts of shapes, mostly a mix of animals and demons. The roof of the cave goes momentarily translucent. I spot a red sky full of giant demons streaking across the heavens like meteors. Then the cave firms up again. The smoke clears. And Beranabus is standing in front of a black pillar which is strangely familiar. The word "monolith" pops into my head, but I don't know why.
"Not bad, aye?" Beranabus says. "Kernel is the master of opening windows, but he's at his best in the universe of the Demonata. From here it's as easy for me to do it. But once we cross he's in a league of his own. You'll see what I mean soon enough-if you come with us." He takes a step back from the monolith. "Made up your mind yet?"
"I made it up ages ago," I snap. "I'm not coming."
"Of course you are," Beranabus smiles. "Who could resist a challenge like this? The chance to flex your magical muscles, eliminate scores of demons, save the world. You'll come with us in the end, so why not drop the reluctant act and-"
"I'm not acting!" I shout, flushing angrily. "I've had enough of demons. I don't want to fight them. I don't care how magical I am. I'm not your assistant and I never will be. So just-"
"There are two fields of thought about the granting of magical talent," Beranabus interrupts smoothly. "Some claim it's pure luck, the random lottery of the universe doling out magic without method or purpose. Others-and I'm one of them-believe there's a force which wants humans to triumph. We think magicians are created to keep the world safe from the Demonata, that at times of great peril, heroes are generated, capable of defeating the otherwise unstoppable forces of evil.
"It doesn't matter which is right. You have the power. Whether you gained it by design or accident is irrelevant. You have the ability to kill demons, to stop them crossing. If you don't make the most of that talent-if you hide from your duty-it's because you're a coward, plain and simple."
I tremble with rage at the insult. Part of me wants to call upon all of my newly revealed powers and hit him with the strongest magical blast I can muster, to teach him never to mess with me again. But I don't. Because he's speaking the truth.
Dervish loved me, so he never said it, but he must have thought it. He didn't object when I refused to learn spells and magic. He respected my choice and never made me feel like I was chickening out. I told myself I'd done my bit and now I was entitled to a normal life.
But that was rot. Deep down I knew I didn't want to fight because I was scared. Dervish knew it, I knew it and now Beranabus knows it. The only difference is, Beranabus has called me out.
Beranabus is leaning towards me, eyebrows raised, awaiting my comeback. When I don't respond to the insult, he smiles sadly. "I can't afford to wet-nurse you. This is a serious business, no room for lies or charades. When you were an average child, you could afford to be a coward-nobody suffered. Now you have to be a hero or untold billions might die."
"That's an exaggeration, isn't it?" I mutter.
"No. Those are the stakes we play for. If it was hundreds, it wouldn't matter-I let that many die on the plane. Even millions... the world can afford to lose a few million humans every now and again. You could think of it as judicious pruning. Mankind would continue whether you joined us or not.
"But we deal in billions-wholesale slaughter. If the more powerful Demonata make it through, everybody perishes. That's why you can't be a coward any longer. I won't let you deny your calling just because you're a nice boy and I feel sorry for you. We have a duty-me, Kernel, you. Fair or not, that's the way it is. So you're coming through that window with us. Unless the coward within you is stronger than I think..."
He looks at me harshly. Behind him, Kernel keeps his head down. I think he's ashamed of Beranabus, but also of himself and the choices the pair of them must make. The choice I must make.
"I can't do it," I sob. "You don't understand. I've replayed those battles with Lord Loss so many times... Vein and Artery... Slawter... the anguish. I did it the first time to save Bill-E, because he's my brother, and in Slawter because we were trapped and it was fight or die. But there was never time to worry about it in advance or make a considered decision to pit myself against demons. This is different. I'd be choosing horror and misery. I've seen the nightmarish work of the Demonata in real life and in dreams. I can't face them again. I can't."
"You can," Beranabus says, not giving way. "Unless you want to accept that you're a worthless coward. Unless you're prepared to flee like a whipped, shamed cur. Are you, Grubitsch?"
"I..." My voice seizes. I come within a breath of saying yes. I want to. I almost grasp the yellow mantle gratefully. But the shame... the guilt... to live the rest of my life as a branded coward...
"Please," I moan. "Don't do this to me."
"It's already done," Beranabus says. "I'm not pushing you into anything. I'm just the one who has the unpleasant task of breaking the news to you." He steps forward, grabs my shoulder and looks hard into my eyes. "Hero or coward. There's no in-between. Choose now. The Demonata won't wait forever."
Wanting to scream, to run, to tell him to go stuff himself.
Knowing I can't, that I'm gifted, that I'm damned.
"I hope they kill me," I cry, tearing away from him, trembling wildly. "I hope I don't last five minutes."
"I hoped that too when I first crossed," Kernel says softly, then walks to the monolith, puts a hand on the surface, breathes on it and steps through as the dark face shimmers. He vanishes.
"You will fare better than you fear, Grubitsch," Beranabus says encouragingly, following Kernel to the monolith. He puts a hand on it.
"Wait," I stop him and he looks back questioningly. "If we're going to do this, I want to make one thing clear. It's Grubbs, understand? I bloody hate Grubitsch."
Beranabus smiles crookedly and says with all the charm of Sweeney Todd, "If you can kill demons, I'll call you anything you please. If not, I'll leave your bones lying scattered in their universe, nameless." He faces the monolith again and exhales. It shimmers and he moves forward. Gone.
I don't think about this being my chance to run, to get out of here, lose myself in the desert and die on my own world. Afraid the coward within me will take control if I give it a chance. Without hesitation, I lurch forward, put both hands on the monolith, breathe on it like the others did and step through into madness.