I felt a pair of eyes on my face. Grace was standing beside my bed, staring at me. Her eyes narrowed in confusion. I glanced at Bella, who was watching in amusement. “Hello, Grace,” I said.
Grace turned to Lilah with a little frown on her face. “Mama?” Grace said. “I thought you said the prophet was in heaven now?” My stomach dropped when she pointed to me. “But he is here. I have found him again!”
Lilah’s eyes widened in embarrassed shock, and she darted further into the room. She crouched beside Grace. “No, Grace. Do you not remember Rider? Remember I said he was the prophet’s brother?”
Grace nodded dubiously. “But he looks just like the prophet.”
“I know. That is because he is his twin. Remember I explained what a twin was?”
Grace nodded her head. “People who share the same face.”
“That is right.” Lilah got to her feet. “I am so sorry, Rider. She still gets confused a lot. The transition from her former life to this is difficult. Lines blur.”
“It’s okay,” I said. But inside, I was fucking dying. I hadn’t even looked in a mirror since I’d been laid up in this bed like a damn cripple. It wasn’t because of my injuries. It was because I didn’t want to the see the man staring back.
I saw him every time I closed my eyes. Gasping for breath. Pleading with me to let him live.
“Aunt Bella! Come outside, I want to show you something,” Grace said, snapping me from my thoughts. Bella rocked on her feet. I could see she wanted to go, but she didn’t want to leave me.
“Go,” I said, forcing a smile. “Please.” I needed some time alone.
Bella nodded in understanding and let Grace take her hand and lead her outside. I closed my eyes. I worked on breathing, but the fucking constant ache in my chest flared to life, crippling my lungs.
“You good?” I opened my eyes to see Smiler holding out some painkillers. I nodded and took them from his hands. Smiler gave me a glass of water and I knocked the painkillers back.
I put the glass on the side table, fucking wincing when the pain from my cracked ribs cut through me. “Fuck!” I hissed as I lowered myself back down.
Smiler busied himself with the bandages he’d brought. The brother had been here every day despite some of the Hangmen giving him shit. I didn’t know why. Hell, I had no idea why he even helped me from the barn in the first place.
“I wanna get to that cabin, man, and outta this clubhouse,” I said.
“You will. A few more days.”
“I can get there now,” I argued.
Smiler just shrugged. Anger whipped in my veins. “I don’t wanna be in this clubhouse anymore. The brothers all fucking want me dead. And Bella never gets out of this fucking room. She never dares leave me in case one of them goes against the prez’s order not to kill me.”
Smiler nodded. “Damn good bitch you got there,” he said and closed the medical bag . . . the bag that used to be mine. Smiler had told me he’d taken over as the makeshift doctor when I left.
Another way I’d fucked him over.
I lay back down on the bed. “She’d have been better off without me.” I shook my head. “What the fuck kind of life will she have with me? Here? Styx won’t let me leave the property for fear that I’ll fuck y’all over again. Bella needs to be with her sisters, yet we’re gonna be living acres away from them because he also doesn’t wanna see my face near the club.” I took a deep inhale to calm myself down. “She’d have been better off if I’d died. Fuck, man, I wanted to die in that barn. Being spared just means I’ve got more time to live with all the fucking shit that’s happened, that I’ve caused.” I rubbed my eyes. “I don’t wanna sleep no more ‘cause the dreams come. And I can’t stand seeing Bella suffering as an outcast because of me when I’m awake.”
I sighed. “She should have fucking let me die.”
Silence met my words, until Smiler moved toward the door and said, “You don’t even know what you’ve got.”
I leaned up on my elbows to see him better. The brother looked pissed as all hell. “What?” I asked.
Smiler shook his head. “You. Bella. You have no fuckin’ idea how good you got it. Fuck the club. Fuck your psycho brother and the nightmares. Fuck the fact that Grace thought you were the prophet. What the hell does it matter when you got your life and a bitch that would fuckin’ die for you—literally? A hot bitch that fuckin’ worships the bastard ground you walk on. Why the hell care about anything else when you have that?”
I flinched at the venom in Smiler’s voice. “Fuck, Smiler,” I said and swallowed back my surprise.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he opened his eyes, he said calmly, “I’d give anythin’ to have that back. That kinda bitch who’d look at me like Bella looks at you. Who’ll give everythin’ up just to be with me. I don’t think you know what kinda fuckin’ blessin’ you got already. Yeah, you had a fucked-up life. But karma’s fuckin’ givin’ it back tenfold with Bella.”
I stared at Smiler, not knowing what the hell to say.
He turned his back to me. “I had it once, Rider. Took her for granted like you’re doin’ now with Bella,” he said. “And the stupid fuck that I am, I had no idea what she meant to me until she was dyin’ in my fuckin’ arms, her fadin’ eyes beggin’ me to fuckin’ save her. But I couldn’t, she was done. Now I’d give anythin’ just to have her fuckin’ look at me again. Like Bella looks at you. Just for one more fuckin’ day.”
“Smiler,” I said, “I didn’t know, I—”
“Well now you do. So don’t fuck it up . . . ‘cause then you’ll definitely pray that you’d fuckin’ died in that barn. Life’s real shit when you’re alone. Real fuckin’ shit.” Smiler left the room and shut the door.
I didn’t know how long I stayed just staring after him. I lay back down and thought about everything he’d said. Thought about the last few months. I thought about how I had avoided looking in the mirror.
I was a pussy. A fucking pussy. Because I couldn’t stand seeing Judah in my refection.
I didn’t know how the fuck to move on when literally everything about me reminded me of the person I wanted to forget most.