He dropped to his knees on the floor and pressed his head against my stomach, his hands gripping my back as he cried into my lap. “I’ve come too close to losing you too many times,” he forced out. “I will do anything to keep you by my side for the rest of my life.” Looking up at me, I felt helpless staring back at his broken expression. “Knowing that you even had to consider me moving on with someone else because you might die, kills me. I hate that you went through that, and I hate that you prepared yourself for that.”
“Okay, but I’m—” My voice gave out and I had to clear my throat. “I’m here, we’re together.”
“I’m not letting you go, Rachel, for anything. It’s you and me. Always, got it?”
I nodded, unable to respond, and his head dropped back against my stomach as another sob ripped through him. I’d only ever seen Kash begin to cry twice. Usually when he was upset, he got angry. So to see him break like this was absolutely breaking my heart. I kept one hand holding his head in my lap, and ran the other over his back. The muscles bunched and shuddered beneath my fingertips as he let everything out.
As he let everything go.
I could only imagine that this went so much deeper than what had been written in the letter, and what it had signified. This was all the lies, this was Blake, this was the months apart, and this was the torture that Kash had gone through while I’d been kidnapped.
Kash eventually climbed onto the bed with me, and he pulled me close after his tears had subsided and his breathing had evened out. For countless minutes after, we lay there, staring into each other’s eyes . . . not saying anything. One of his hands cupped my cheek as dark gray eyes tried to convey a pain to me that I just couldn’t understand.
I didn’t know all that Kash had been through in his time as an undercover. I didn’t know what it was like to be the one looking for your significant other . . . just as he didn’t know what it was like to lose both your parents, be tortured by a man you’d grown up with, or be the one that was waiting to be found. Our pains and fears were so different that I didn’t know if we would ever fully understand the depth of the pain that the other had experienced. And yet, at the same time, I knew him, and he knew me . . . we knew when the other was terrified, or upset, and we would always be there for each other to help the other through whatever was happening at that time.
So although I couldn’t understand the grief he’d gone through that had caused this breakdown, I was here for him as he worked through it, just the same as he’d always had been there for me.
I KNOCKED ON THE LARGE DOOR and fumbled with the armful of food as I waited for Marcy to open the door. It was the Fourth of July, and while all of Kash’s family was going to be coming to his parents’ house, Kash wouldn’t be here until later tonight. He and Mason were on call today and had been called in two hours ago . . . surprise, surprise. I needed him here; I hadn’t seen his extended family since before I’d been taken. And while I hadn’t had an issue with any member of his family, I hadn’t felt comfortable with them . . . but that could have probably had something to do with the fact that everyone seemed to keep bringing up my mom and dad. I’d ended up breaking down that night and was afraid of questions that might come up today.
After the emotionally draining night we’d had last night with Kash’s breakdown, I didn’t think I was up for one of my own. And then Kash had been so weird today . . . like he was worried about something. The way he’d kissed me right before he’d left for work had left me feeling uneasy, but I’d finally decided he was probably just as worried about me going to this party without him as I was.
“Hi, sweet girl!” Marcy said when she opened the door. “Oh, let me help you with all that. Gosh, we could have made a few trips out to the car, you didn’t have to bring it all in at once.”
I transferred some of the bags and food into her arms, and kicked the door shut behind me as I followed her inside.
“It’s so good to see you getting out more, and I’m glad you wanted to come over early! You know I love our girl time.”
My chin was holding some of the boxes down, so I had to wait until I reached the counter to answer her. But as soon as I relieved my arms of everything with a large exhale, I turned to hug Marcy and took a deep breath. “I know, it’s like I was still keeping myself locked up by not leaving the house.” I began taking things out of the bags and setting them on the counter, or putting them away in the fridge and freezer. “Hey, Marcy, I was wanting to talk to you about something.”
She stopped what she was doing and eyed me curiously for a moment. “Is it something we should be sitting down for . . . or maybe not setting up for the party tonight?”
I laughed awkwardly and tossed the package of paper plates I was holding down on the counter. “Neither . . . I think. I’m not sure.” Rolling my eyes, I leaned on the counter on my forearms and just started talking. “Kash and I were supposed to have gotten married a week ago tomorrow. Neither of us said a word about it when the day came and went, because at the time, well we were working through a lot at the time. And I think for both of us, it was hard thinking that it was another thing that had changed in our lives, or wasn’t going the way we had planned, because of what happened.”
“He told us you overheard the conversation the night you came back. I hope you don’t think he doesn’t want to marry you, Rachel. He was confused and hurt, but he—”