Looking up at Kash, I finally nodded my head and grabbed for the journal again. “I want to, but don’t leave me alone.”
“I won’t, sweetheart.”
My chest ached when the blood-smeared pages came into view as Kash flipped to the last page in the journal while it sat in my hands. This had to have been done that last night . . . why hadn’t he told me? Looking up at Kash, I saw his eyes were on me and were full of nothing but understanding as he waited patiently for me. No jealousy. No insecurity. Just compassion as I gripped his hand like a lifeline and looked back down onto the page.
Rachel—
Is it twisted that I want to thank you for the time I’ve had with you? You’ve been nothing short of amazing throughout all of this, and I’m thankful for every moment. I know I’ve avoided answering you before, but I want to tell you why I stole you away in the first place.
It had nothing to do with you, but everything to do with the men you’re associated with. They’re good men, never doubt that; but by doing their job, and putting ass**les like the leaders of my crew in prison, they put their lives on the line. And when you came into the picture, it put you in my hands.
We were going to use you as bait to get the leaders out, and it was my job to watch you . . . and eventually take you. Watching over you once you were here in this house had never been part of the plan, but after the four months of watching you day in and day out, I couldn’t leave you to fend for yourself here. As you’ve come to find out, I would do anything to keep you safe, and I won’t stop until I get you out of here.
What will happen after tonight, I’m already prepared for and know I deserve. But I want . . . no, need you to know, I never wanted this life. I would have done anything to stay away from it, and even more to get out of it. Sometimes we just don’t have a choice.
Because of who I am, and what I’ve done, I never thought I was meant to find love. Thank you for unintentionally showing me how wrong I was. Even though your heart belongs to him, loving you—even in secret—has changed my life. And if I die tomorrow, I’ll consider myself lucky to be able to die loving you.
Trent Cruz
I read his words three times before I finally shut the journal and fell into Kash’s arms. No tears came, but there was a soul-deep ache for my friend.
I hated the way he viewed himself, and his self-worth. As I had so many times over the last couple weeks, I wished he’d had another chance at life, one far away from all he had ever known. But to continue wishing he’d been given that chance wouldn’t change a thing. Everything in me wanted to visit him, and slap him across the face with the journal before throwing my arms around him, and hugging him tight. But with all that Kash and I were working toward right now, visiting Trent would just set us back. Maybe one day Kash and I would be in a place where I could visit Trent, but that time wasn’t now. I needed to keep moving on with my life with Kash, and, for now, I just needed to be thankful for everything Trent had done for me.
“You okay?”
I breathed in the cinnamon scent that clung to Kash from the gum he was always chewing, and fell deeper into his chest. “I will be.”
Kissing the top of my head, he leaned back so he was lying against the arm of the couch and I was on top of him, as he had so many times before, and waited a few minutes before asking, “Did you want to talk about it?”
“There’s not a lot to say. I feel bad for him, but know there’s nothing I can do. If anyone in that house was tortured, it was him. He hated who he was, and what he had become; he honestly didn’t see a way to get out of it, though. He has very dark eyes, but they’re really descriptive. It wasn’t hard to see how the years in the gang tormented him every day. All I’ve wanted for him was for that torture to go away.”
“Like he said in the letter, sometimes they don’t have a choice, Rachel. I don’t know why he was in it in the first place, but sometimes you’re recruited whether you want to be or not. Sometimes it’s about your blood family, and sometimes it’s because of a crime you’ve done. But to get out, Rach, it’s practically impossible to get out.”
I stilled against his chest, and he hurried to continue.
“I’m not telling you to upset you more. I’m just letting you know he was probably living the way he was in order to stay alive. From what you’ve told me, and from his letter, I’m sure you’re right, sweetheart. I’m sure he’s not a bad person deep down.”
“He really isn’t,” I unnecessarily argued in Trent’s defense.
Kash’s lips pressed down against my head, and he kept them there as he said, “I know. How could he be? He kept you safe and was trying to bring you back to me.”
I looked up into his gray eyes and searched them before asking, “So you believe me now? You don’t hate him anymore?”
“Well, he did admit in that letter that he was in love with you. You can’t expect me to really be okay with any man loving you.” His mouth curled up on one side in a smirk before his expression went back to serious. “But I do respect him, and I am thankful for him. It’s hard, knowing that he took you and he was the cause of that month from hell. Knowing that he was most likely forced into gang life, and that he was forced into doing what he did, I understand that all too well. Mason and I had to do a lot we aren’t proud of. There are some things that you still don’t know, and if you ever want to, I’ll tell you. But you have to be prepared for what you might find out . . . We had to live with them, and live like them. So because of that time in my life, I understand him in a sense, but only to an extent.