Dr. Sandford and I stood together on the deck of the steamer,
looking at the lessening shore. I was afraid the doctor should
see how I looked, yet I could not turn my eyes from it. I had
given up the care of myself; I could bear to see America
fading out of my sight; yet it seemed to me as if I left Daisy
and her life there, and as if I must be like a wandering
spirit from another world till I should come back to those
shores again. I would minister to my father and mother, but
nobody would minister to me. And I thought it was very likely
very good for me. Maybe I was in danger of growing selfish and
of forgetting my work and all happiness except my own and
Thorold's. I could do nothing for either of those now; nothing
actively. But I called myself up as soon as that thought
passed through me. I could always pray; and I could be quiet
and trust; and I could be full of faith, hope and love; and
anybody with those is not unhappy. And God is with his people;
and he can feed them in a desert. And with that, I went down
to my stateroom, to sob my heart out. Not altogether in
sorrow, or I think I should not have shed a tear; but with
that sense of joy and riches in the midst of trial; the
feeling of care that was over my helplessness, and hope that
could never die nor be disappointed sin spite of the many
hopes that fail.
After that, my voyage was pleasant, as every voyage or journey
is when one goes in the Lord's hand and with Him for a
companion. I had no news, as the doctor had said, and I laid
down all the matter of the war; though I was obliged to hear
it talked of very much and in a way that was often extremely
hard to bear. The English people on board seemed to think that
Americans had no feeling on the subject of their country, or
no country to feel about. Certainly they showed no respect for
mine; and though Dr. Sandford and one or two other gentlemen
could and did answer their words well and cogently, and there
was satisfaction in that; yet it was a warfare I did not
choose to enter into unless good breeding could be a defence
on both sides. They abused Mr. Lincoln; how they abused him!
they have learned better since. They abused republics in
general, rejoicing openly in the ruin they affected to see
before ours. Yes, the United States of America and their
boasted Constitution were a vast bubble - no solidity - rather
a collection of bubbles, which would go to pieces by their own
contact. Specially the weight of dislike and maligning fell on
the Northern portion of the country; sympathy was with the
South. These natives of the free British Isles were
unmistakably disposed to cheer and help on a nation of
oppressors, and wished them success. It was some time before I
could understand such an anomaly; at last I saw that the
instinct of self-preservation was at work, and I forgave as
natural, what I could not admire as noble.