"A tenth of the story will be nearer the mark," said the
major. "But we shall know more particulars to-morrow; and I
will step in again, as I can, and let you know what I know. I
must not stay now." And with a bow to me, the major went.
I did not stop then to inquire what his bow meant. Nor did I
hear Mrs. Sandford's long string of comments and speculations,
any further than was necessary to enable me to reply from time
to time with some show of connectedness. I was eagerly
calculating chances, without any basis of data to go upon.
Trying to conjecture General Patterson's probable coming duty,
and to what it might lead. If his foe had disappeared from
before him, must he not follow on this way, where (I thought)
men were so imperatively needed? If he came, there would be
fighting for him, certainly, the next time! Beauregard would
muster again for the fray; I knew that; and it seemed the
Union army was going to make ready also on its side. If
Patterson and his command staid where he was, to take care of
that part of the country, perhaps it might be a bloodless
charge for a while; it might, till the two grand armies should
encounter once more, and one or the other get the mastery.
Then, how long might it be, before these two armies would be
ready to try another, a third tussle together? and would Mr.
Thorold be willing to stay permanently where inaction would be
his portion? Twenty such incongruous unreasonable questions I
was mooting and turning over, while Mrs. Sandford's running
fire of talk made it impossible for me to think to any
conclusion.
When I went up to my room, however, and got free of her, I sat
down to it. There had been no fighting for this bout in that
part of the army where Patterson commanded and where Thorold
served. So far he had escaped. Now, if Patterson could only be
kept in that region, for a little time, and the question
between the North and South be brought to an issue meanwhile
and decided here I was in a fever of hope and fear, cogitating deeply things
which I had no means of knowing or settling, when the question
suddenly occurred to me, What was I doing? What was I doing?
Only, trying to arrange the wheels of Providence; trying to
make peace and war; to kill and to keep alive. I was taking
and bearing on my shoulders the burden of the nation's armies
and of their destiny. It fell on my heart all at once, what I
was doing. And my nerves were straining, even now, to throw
around my beloved the shield of circumstances; to keep him
where he would be safe; to put my hand between his life and a
blow. Could Daisy do that? Was her arm long enough, or her eye
enough far-seeing? In despair and in humiliation both, I fell
on my knees. This must be given up. I must leave armies and
battles, yes and every several bullet and cannon ball, yes,
yes, and more; I must leave Mr. Thorold's life and heart in
other hands than mine. I must put the care of them out of
mine; I must give up even the thought of shielding him, or
arranging for him. More. Yes, though it pressed upon my heart
with the great difficulty, I must be willing to have God do,
with him and with me, just what He pleased. How else could I
live, with the struggle before me? How else could I live at
all as a believing and obedient child of God? "I must," and "I
will," are not words for a child to say.