SHOWERED A RID OF MY PUNGENT JEANS (I HOPE the smell of horse comes out in the laundry), I'm ready to rejoin the world. Frey and John-John have moved into the living room. I make a pot of coffee and sit myself down at the kitchen table, still unwilling to intrude on father and son.
The events of the last few days flood over me. My heart is heavy with guilt. My presence precipitated all that happened. There's no denying or rationalizing that fact.
And what have I accomplished?
Frey and John-John appear at the door. "We're going to make breakfast. Care to join us?"
But instinct tells me they have more to discuss. John-John's eyes are red-rimmed. Did Frey tell him that he lost another friend-George? Or that he was leaving? My heart breaks for the boy.
I pick up my coffee mug and push away from the table. "You two eat. I'll be on the porch."
Frey gives me a weak smile, and I know it was the right decision.
I take the same old porch chair that I've occupied how many times since we arrived? Each time I sit here, it seems there's a new question to puzzle out.
This time I'm the puzzle. Sani said I would see him again. I am no closer to a resolution now, though, than I was twenty-four hours ago.
Sani said I would see him again. If Sarah never presented my petition, how did he seek me out? Why did he?
The sun rises higher in the sky, reminding me of the first time Frey and I saw the house and Mary Yellow Bird. I thought her an Indian princess. Now she and her sister are dead. No storybook ending here. Greed and disrespect for her own heritage brought about Mary's death. Nothing supernatural or otherworldly about it.
So, could I have found the answer if I'd been mortal? Or would the bone charm have ended my life the first night I was here?
Everything that's happened since I became vampire, everything I've accomplished, everyone I've saved or harmed, has been because I am no longer human.
But the price. My family living across the ocean. My business partner put in danger twice. No chance of a relationship that lasts longer than it takes to have sex or feed.
Stephen. Too soon yet to see if we can make it work. And if we did-
Twenty mortal years.
If I married, could I bear a child? Or would the stress on my body from the transformation back to mortal make it impossible? Certainly, if I were able to conceive, I would not live to see my grandchildren. Would my enemies in the vampire universe launch their attack on the mortal world knowing I was no longer able to confront them? Would they seek revenge on my family?
What legacy would I leave?
A world of terror? No less crime or injustice? A world still threatened by Chael's lust for power?
Sani said there have always been those asked to sacrifice personal happiness for the greater good. Could I really be one of those? I know my shortcomings. I'm rash, impulsive, quick to judge. I lack the wisdom of the shaman. I'm not pure of heart. I stumble through each crisis blindly. One step at a time. If not for my family, for my friends, Frey and David and Tracey, I doubt I would have survived this last year.
But if not for me, if not for vampire, they might not launcurvived, either.
It comes in a flash of insight.
Vampire and I complement each other. When I need strength and courage, she is there. When she needs compassion and restraint, I am there. We are two halves of a whole.
I gaze out over the land, now dazzling under a blinding summer sky.
Sani said it-I have been wrong to worry I cannot serve as a protector and live life as a mortal. Isn't that what I've done this past year? I've walked the tightrope between two worlds and hopefully, both are better for it. Oh, there are problems that still need resolving. David and his flickering memories of a night under the spell of a vampire. Harris and his blossoming curiosity about me.
But when did problems ever disappear completely?
My family is safe. I have friends like Daniel Frey who know and accept the vampire. Human friends who know and accept Anna Strong. And now, Stephen.
There is only one way I can protect them all.
And perhaps make up for some of the damage I have caused.
I have my decision.