He nodded, shrugged, and then said, “Shitty will about cover it, yeah.”
“Sin and I started out talking meals, but he had a new idea that was more about the personal stuff.”
“Do I want to know?” I asked.
“I think it explains some things,” Nicky said.
I took a deep breath, let it out slow, and looked at Sin. “Okay, I’m listening.”
“We are listening,” Jean-Claude said.
Sin swallowed and suddenly looked younger than nineteen, almost as young as the teenager I’d first met. “We all share each other’s emotions, thoughts, feelings. I know that how we met and the age difference bother Anita, but I wondered if maybe the fact that Jean-Claude has kept me at arm’s length emotionally is impacting how she feels about me.”
“What are you saying?” I asked.
“Jean-Claude works really hard to be a good guardian for me. He’s started calling me nephew as my nickname to emphasize that I’m not his boyfriend, or boy toy, or sexual anything. I appreciate the effort he’s made, but what if his working so hard to keep me in the ‘child’ box, the ‘son’ box, has made it harder for you to feel romantically toward me?”
I shook my head. “I came into our relationship having these issues, before Jean-Claude ever met you.”
“We were both pretty traumatized by the Mother of All Darkness, Anita.”
“You didn’t seem traumatized. You seemed . . . besotted with me,” I said.
“You were the first sex I’d ever had. That can be pretty overwhelming.”
I thought about the discovery, just minutes before, of Asher being Jean-Claude’s first male lover. It explained so much about why he’d put up with so much bad behavior from Asher for so long.
“You’re saying that the ‘oh boy it’s sex’ made you seem less traumatized to me.”
“Something like that.”
I looked at Jean-Claude. “Could Sin be right? Could your trying so hard to keep him in the ‘child/nephew’ box impact how I feel about him?”
“Perhaps.”
Nicky asked, “How does it make you feel when you catch some of Anita’s sexual attraction to Sin?”
Jean-Claude had gone very still, his face an almost unreadable mask, beautiful to look at it, but distant. He was trying very hard not to share anything he was feeling or thinking. “I distance myself from it when she is feeling amorous toward our young prince.”
“Sin’s right: You have started calling him the young prince or nephew, all terms to help remind you that he’s so young and that you think of him as a younger relative, so the incest taboo attaches to him.”
“You know, this much therapy is really not making me want to feed the ardeur on anyone, right now,” I said.
“You must feed before you get on the plane, ma petite. Your fear of flying could weaken your control over it, and that would be regrettable in the airplane.”
I stared at him. “How regrettable?” I asked.
“If you lost control completely, the pilot could be involved, and how regrettable would depend on where in the flight you were when it happened, ma petite.”
I swallowed but seemed to have a lump in my throat that wouldn’t go down. I had to cough to clear it.
“You’re actually pale,” Sin said.
“I don’t like to fly,” I said.
“You’re afraid to fly,” Nicky said.
“Stop helping me,” I said.
He smiled, but it was gentle. “I am trying to help you.”
I looked into that one clear blue eye and held my hand out to him. “I know you are.”
He came and took my hand in his. “You are Jean-Claude’s human servant, Anita. That means his attitudes and emotions affect you.”
“Our moods can affect each other,” I said.
He squeezed my hand and said, “Then maybe Sin is right.”
I looked at Jean-Claude, who was standing close to us. He was still giving a polite blank face, which meant he was hiding his feelings and thoughts as hard as he could. I looked at him. “You agreed with me, Jean-Claude, that the fact that the Mother of All Darkness mind-fucked Sin and me that first time together was what made me not be in love with him.”
“Of course that impacted how you would think of him, ma petite. How could it not?”
“Yes, but is your putting him in the ‘son I never had’ box making it worse?”
“I do not know, and that is the truth.”
“Then why are you hiding what you’re feeling so hard right now?”
“Because it had not occurred to me that my effort to treat Cynric as a good legal guardian should have stopped your ability to love him as you might have.”
“You feel stupid for having missed the possibility,” Nicky said.
“I would not have put it that way, Nicky, but yes.”
“So am I right?” Sin asked.
“I cannot tell you that you are wrong,” Jean-Claude said.
“See?” Nicky said. “You’re right and you’re wrong.”
“It’s like Schrödinger’s cat,” I said, “alive and dead at the same time until someone opens the box.”
“And what determines if the cat is alive or dead?” Sin asked.
“Leave the metaphors behind, neveu. It is my attitude that may have killed the cat.”
“For it to affect Anita this much, you must have been fighting pretty hard to keep Sin in the ‘young nephew’ box,” Nicky said.