“Been a while since I’ve done that. It’s a little hard to do with the boys along.” Her smile faded. “You okay about the baby?”
“Completely okay. So that makes you…”
“About four months along. I’ve been holding off going to the doctor.”
“Why?”
She shrugged. “Like you said. I’ve been down this road twice.”
Carson became quiet and she knew he didn’t buy her reasoning. Finally he said, “You’re not goin’ because of money.”
“It’s not a big deal. By the time I’m closer to delivery and I need to see the doctor you’ll have sent the cattle to market and we will have the money.”
“You have no idea how much this eats at me.”
“What?”
“Bein’ a shitty provider for my family because the cattle business is a damn crapshoot on a good year. Christ. I can’t afford to get you the proper medical care. We’re still livin’ hand to mouth and in this cramped damn trailer. Happy as I am that we’re adding to our family, where are we gonna put another kid?”
Carolyn rolled to face him. She searched his eyes and saw such guilt and shame. “Carson. Sweetheart. What’s going on? You’re never so negative about ranching.”
“Maybe it’s never seemed this dire before.”
“Is that why you’ve been drinking?”
“Yeah. As much as I know it don’t help, it dulled that panicked feeling.”
“How long have you been panicked?”
“Since the cattle sale last year barely covered our yearly operating expenses.”
She pressed her palm over his heart. “Why didn’t you say anything to me?”
“Because it’s my job to worry about money, not yours.”
“There’s your problem. It’s not a you thing or a me thing, but an us thing. We’ve been down this keeping secrets road before and it didn’t go well for us, remember?”
He kissed her furrowed brow. “I don’t know how the hell I forgot.”
“So talk to me.”
“Dad is still expanding the ranch, which is good in theory, but in reality, it don’t make sense to buy land when it’ll sit unused because we can’t afford to buy extra cattle. Not only that, we don’t have the manpower to run more livestock. Cal and Charlie are good workers. Casper sucks most days. Dad ain’t as spry as he used to be. And I can’t work anymore than I already am.”
Some of what he was saying made sense; some didn’t. Carolyn decided right then she needed to be more involved with the ins and outs of the cattle business.
“To make matters worse, whenever I question him, he reminds me the name on the land deed was his and the decisions about the ranch are still his. I’ve been thinking if I’m ready to pop my old man in the mouth every day, if maybe it’s time to go.”
“Go?”
Carson tucked her hair behind her ear. “Sometimes I wonder what it’d be like just to pack up and go somewhere else. Be someone else.”
How long had her man been wrestling with this? It tied her up in knots that he had kept it all inside. “I like who you are, Carson McKay. I really like that you’re talking to me about this. But I have to ask why it’s the first time you’ve opened up to me in pretty much the last year?”
He kept stroking her lower back. “I know how happy you were when Cal and Kimi got married. Your sister is back in your life and she lives next door. And don’t take this the wrong way, sugar, but I suspect you and Kimi share everything and there’s some stuff between a husband and a wife that shouldn’t be shared. Especially if that sister is married to my brother. He don’t need to be findin’ out stuff about the ranch and finances secondhand from his wife—it should come from me. So I’ll admit I’ve kept the problem with the ranch stuff close to the vest.”
He didn’t say kept it from you, but he didn’t have to. “I’d never do that. Sure, Kimi and I gossip, but it’s about our family—and I haven’t shared those West stories with you. Sometimes we talk about people at church or in the community that annoy us. We talk a lot about babies and the boys. We swap household tips, recipes, and sewing and knitting patterns—things you’d tune out fifteen seconds into the conversation.”
He smiled.
Carolyn put her hands on Carson’s cheeks. “My loyalty is to you. From the minute we married, now, and in the future.”
Silence stretched between them. Then in that gruff voice she adored, he said, “Sweet God in heaven, what did I ever do to deserve you?” He gifted her with a kiss so full of love her tears arose.
“Sugar, don’t cry.”
“Get used to it. You know how much I bawl when I’m pregnant and hormonal.”
“Never again. I’ll never give you cause to doubt me again. I promise.”
“I’ve heard that before.”
“I know. But I’m done. It’s past time I step up to the responsibilities of bein’ a father that our sons can be proud of. Be the kind of son my dad takes pride in. My priority is to make sure you’re happy above all else.”
When the image wavered, Carolyn screamed no.
The next part was the good part. Where Carson lived up to his promises and then some. Where their marriage became stronger than ever. Where they added to their family, a baby boy they’d named Colton who was the spitting image of his father.