Between William Edgerton and Julia Clifford my young life and best

affections were divided, entirely, if not equally. I lived for no

other--I cared to seek, to know, no other--and yet I often shrunk

from both. Even at that boyish period, while the heavier cares and

the more painful vexations of life were wanting to our annoyance,

I had those of that gnawing nature which seemed to be born of the

tree whose evil growth "brought death into the world and all our

wo." The pang of a nameless jealousy--a sleepless distrust--rose

unbidden to my heart at seasons, when, in truth, there was no

obvious cause.

When Julia was most gentle--when William was most

generous--even then, I had learned to repulse them with an indifference

which I did not feel--a rudeness which brought to my heart a pain

even greater than that which my wantonness inflicted upon theirs.

I knew, even then, that I was perverse, unjust; and that there was

a littleness in the vexatious mood in which I indulged, that was

unjust to my own feelings, and unbecoming in a manly nature. But

even though I felt all this, as thoroughly as I could ever feel it

under any situation, I still could not succeed in overcoming tha'

insane will which drove me to its indulgence.

Vainly have I striven to account for the blindness of heart--for

such it is, in all such cases--which possessed me. Was there

anything in my secret nature, born at my birth and growing with

my growth--which impelled me to this willfulness. I can scarcely

believe so; but, after serious reflection, am compelled to think

that it was the strict result of moods growing out of the particular

treatment to which I had been subjected. It does not seem unnatural

that an ardent temper of mind, willing to confide, looking to

love and affection for the only aliment which it most and chiefly

desires, and repelled in this search, frowned on by its superiors

as if it were something base, will, in time, grow to be habitually

wilful, even as the treatment which has schooled it. Had I been

governed and guided by justice, I am sure that I should never have

been unjust.

My waywardness in childhood did not often amount to rudeness, and

never, I may safely say, where Julia was concerned. In her case,

it was simply the exercise of a sullenness that repelled her

approaches, even as its own approaches had been repelled by others.

At such periods I went apart, communing, sternly with myself,

refusing the sympathy that I most yearned after, and resolving not

to be comforted. Let me do the dear child the justice to say that

the only effect which this conduct had upon her, was to increase

her anxieties to soothe the repulsive spirit which should have

offended her. Perhaps, to provoke this anxiety in one it loves, is

the chief desire of such a spirit. It loves to behold the persevering

devotion, which it yet perversely toils to discourage. It smiles

within, with a bitter triumph, as it contemplates its own power,

to impart the same sorrow which a similar perversity has already

made it feel.




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