It must be remembered, that, in all this time--amidst all my

agonies--my feelings of destitution and despair--I had few or no

doubts of the guilt of Julia Clifford. My sufferings arose from

the love which I had felt--the defeat of my hopes and fortune--the

long struggle of conflicting feelings, mortified pride, and disappointed

enjoyment. Excited by the melancholy spectacle before me--beholding

the form of her, once so beautiful--still so beautiful--whom I had

loved with such an absorbing passion--whom I could not cease to

love--suddenly cut off from life--her voice, which was so musical,

suddenly hushed for ever--the tides of her heart suddenly stopped--and

all the sweet waters of hope dried up in her bosom, and turned

into bitterness and blight in mine--the force of my feelings got

the better of my reason, and cruel and oppressive doubts of the

justness of her doom overpowered my soul.

But, with the subsiding

of my emotions, under the stern feeling of resolve which came to my

relief, and which my course of education enabled me to maintain,

my persuasions of her guilt were resumed, and I naturally recurred

to the conclusions which had originally justified me to myself, in

inflicting the awful punishment of death upon her. But I was soon

to be deprived of this justification--to be subjected to the terrible

recoil of all my feelings of justice, love, honor and manliness,

in the new and overwhelming conviction, not only that I had

been premature, but that she was innocent!--innocent, equally of

thought and deed, which could incur tire reproach of impurity, or

the punishment of guilt.

Three days had elapsed after her burial, when I re-opened and

re-appeared in my office. I did not re-open it with any intention

to resume my business. That was impossible in a place, where, at

every movement, the grave of my victim rose, always green, in my

sight. My purpose was to put my papers in order transfer them to

other parties, dispose of my effects, and depart with Kingsley to

the new countries, of which he had succeeded in impressing upon

me some of his own opinions. Not that these furnished for me any

attractions. I was not persuaded by any customary arguments held

out to the ambitious and the enterprising. It was a matter of small

moment to me where I went, so that I left the present scene of my

misery and over-throw. In determining to accompany him to Texas,

no part of my resolve was influenced by the richness of its soil,

or the greatness of its probable destinies. These, though important

in the eyes of my friend, were as nothing in mine. In taking that

route my object was simply, TO GO WITH HIM. He had sympathized with

me, after a rough fashion of his own, the sincerity of which was

more dear to me than the rougbress was repulsive. He had witnessed

my cares--he knew my guilt and my griefs--this knowledge endeared

him to me more strongly than ever, and made him now more necessary

to my affections than any other living object.




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