At length, Edgerton departed. When he rose to do so, I felt

the awkwardness of my situation--the meanness of which I had been

guilty--the disgrace which would follow detection. The shame I

already felt; but, though sickening beneath it, the passion which

drove me into the commission of so slavish an act, was still superior

to all others, and could not then be overcome. I hurried from the

window and from the premises while he was taking his leave. My mind

was still in a frenzy. I rambled off, unconsciously, to the most

secluded places along the suburbs, endeavoring to lose the thoughts

that troubled me. I had now a new cause for vexation. I was haunted

by a conviction of my own shame. How could I look Julia in the

face--how meet and speak to her, and hear the accents of her voice

and my own after the unworthy espionage which I had instituted

upon her? Would not my eyes betray me--my faltering accents, my

abashed looks, my flushed and burning cheeks? I felt that it was

impossible for me to escape detection. I was sure that every look,

every tone, would sufficiently betray my secret. Perhaps I should

not have felt this fear, had I possessed the conrage to resolve

against the repetition of my error. Could I have declared this

resolution to myself, to forego the miserable proceeding which

I had that night begun, I feel that I should then have taken one

large step toward my own deliverance from that formidable fiend

which was then raging unmastered in my soul. But I lacked the courage

for this. Fatal deficiency! I felt impressed with the necessity of

keeping a strict watch upon Edgerton. I had seen, with eyes that

could not be deceived, the feeling which had been expressed in his.

I saw that he loved her, perhaps, without a consciousness himself

of the unhappy truth. I hurried to the conclusion, accordingly,

that he must be looked after. I did not so immediately perceive

that in looking after him, I was, in truth, looking after Julia;

for what was my watch upon Edgerton but a watch upon her? I had not

the confidence in her to leave her to herself. That was my error.

The true reasoning by which a man in my situation should be governed,

is comprised in a nutshell. Either the wife is virtuous or she is

not. If she is virtuous, she is safe without my espionage. If she

is not, all the watching in the world will not suffice to make her

so. As for the discovery of her falsehood, he will make that fast

enough. The security of the husband lies in his wife's purity, not

in his own eyes. It must be added to this argument that the most

virtuous among us, man or woman, is still very weak; and neither

wife, nor daughter, nor son, should be exposed to unnecessary

temptation. Do we not daily implore in our own prayers, to be saved

from temptation?




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