She’d busied herself with Holly and immersed herself in family, putting on a brave front, not allowing them to see her worry or fear.
But it hadn’t helped. She had decisions to make. She had fears to face. All she had to do was reach out and ask for help. Seth, Michael, and Dillon loved her. She had no doubts there. They’d do anything in the world to make her happy, and they’d help her work through her conflicting emotions about her pregnancy.
She just had to muster the nerve to blurt it all out.
With a resigned sigh, she pushed off the tree and started retracing her steps back to the cabin.
As she drew nearer, she frowned. She could swear she heard her name.
She quickened her step through the aspens but stopped when she heard the distinctive call. It was Seth and he was yelling her name.
Worried that something was wrong, she jogged through the snow, taking care not to slip as she headed down the incline.
She came to an abrupt halt when she broke into the clearing and saw all three of her husbands spread out behind the cabin, obviously looking … for her.
CHAPTER 8
MICHAEL was the first to see her. He turned, did a double take, and then charged toward her, calling to his brothers the entire way.
Lily’s breath caught in her throat and her pulse accelerated wildly. There was fierce determination—and worry—in her husbands’ gazes and she knew that no matter whether she was prepared or not, the time had come. There was no way around it.
Michael ran up to her, took her arms in his hands. “Lily! What on earth are you doing up here? We were worried sick. You aren’t even dressed for the cold.”
Even as the questions poured out, he pulled her into his side, wrapping as much of his coat around her as he could while providing her with his body warmth.
His worried gaze cut to his brothers as they ran up, snow kicking up from their boots.
Dillon stood back a little hesitant. “Lily?”
She sent him a reassuring smile. “I’m fine, Dillon. I just went for a walk through the aspen grove. It’s such a beautiful day.”
Seth frowned. “You aren’t dressed to be out tromping around in the snow. You don’t even have a coat or gloves.”
She shrugged. “I hadn’t planned on going that far. I went to sit out on the bench and got the urge to take a walk. I was just heading back. I haven’t been out that long.”
“Well, let’s get you back inside,” Michael said. He propelled her toward the house, still holding her tightly against his side.
With a sigh she settled against him, letting his solid strength seep into her body. She leaned her head against his chest and blinked away the snowflakes trapped on her eyelashes.
It was, as she’d said, a truly magnificent day. She loved winter on her mountain. She loved the cabin that Dillon had built himself and later added on to when it had been decided that they would all live here.
Now she looked at it with different eyes. Holly and the dads’ cabin … it was where all the Colter children had grown up. There was a strong sense of home there. You couldn’t walk into their house without being swamped by love. History. The sense of family. There were pictures everywhere. Of Seth, Michael, and Dillon, and then Callie, who’d come along later and had been a surprise.
That house was a symbol of everything she wanted most in the world. She’d always been a little awed by it. The family gatherings on the weekends for dinner. The easy way the Colters demonstrated their love for one another.
She wanted all of that for herself. She wanted to start a new chapter in a solid legacy. She wanted her home to be filled with love and laughter. Children. Oh God, children.
Did she have the courage to face her worst fears?
When they got to the house, they filed through the back door. Dillon bent to take off her boots while Seth took her sweater after Michael unwrapped her from his coat.
She headed for the kitchen, thinking hot chocolate would be nice, but then she stopped and turned, cocking her head.
“What are you all doing home so early anyway? At the same time, even.”
One of them being home early was nothing uncommon. But all three at the same time?
There was definitely something up, and the more she caught their gazes and the determination etched in their faces, the more she realized that she was the reason for their early arrival.
Seth caught her hand as she reached for a mug. He gently took the cup away and kissed her forehead. “If you want hot chocolate, I’ll get it for you. Why don’t you go into the living room? Dillon will build a fire so it’s warm. We want to talk to you.”
A nervous flutter rose from her belly into her throat.
“O-okay.”
He gently nudged her in Michael’s direction and set about making the hot cocoa. Michael twined his fingers with hers and pulled her toward the living room, where Dillon was already lighting the kindling under the logs in the fireplace.
Michael guided her toward the big, fluffy chair that was her favorite, and she reluctantly let him settle her down. It took all her control not to fidget. She wasn’t sure she could sit here calmly and have a rational conversation like they were obviously wanting.
She needed to pace. To work out some of her nervous energy. How could she sit here and look them in the eye when her heart was about to beat out of her chest?
Dillon stood up from his crouch in front of the hearth and turned just as Seth walked in carrying her mug of chocolate. She took it with shaky hands but quickly set it on the table next to her chair before she sloshed it all over herself.
She pushed herself out of the chair, not able to sit still another moment. Michael caught her hand in his firm grasp as if he was afraid to let her go.
“What’s wrong, baby?” he asked quietly.
Her first instinct was denial, to say nothing, act as if she had no idea what he was talking about. She tugged her hand away instead and turned, only to land against Dillon’s muscled chest.
His agitation was evident in his tense, coiled muscles. For a long moment, he held on to her, his chest heaving against her as he gripped her. He buried his face in her hair and stroked one hand down her back.
“What’s going on, Lily?” he asked. “Whatever it is, tell us so we can make you happy again.”
She pulled away and smiled. That part was easy even when her insides were in such turmoil. Because all she had to do was think about them and their unwavering love and it brought her instant joy—and peace. Then she reached up to frame his strong jaw. “You always make me happy, Dillon. Always.” She took a deep steadying breath before she made her confession. “I’m just scared right now, and I don’t know what to do.”
He gathered her hands in his and pulled them down between their bodies. His gaze pierced her, right to the heart, so intense. “You don’t ever have to be afraid.”
The vehemence in his voice was reassuring. And she knew. She knew all of this logically. If there was one thing in this world she was sure of was that they’d always protect her and she really didn’t have to be afraid. But sometimes logic was so simple. Sometimes fear overran all else. Even common sense.
She swallowed hard and then turned so she could see the others. Seth was staring at her, his blue eyes fierce, but he waited. Tense. Stiff. As if he feared what it was she had to say.
She’d made such a muck of this. Because of her fears, she’d made them afraid.
This wasn’t the way it should have happened. She should have made a special dinner. Should have asked them how their day went. Snuggled on the couch. Gone to bed, made love, and in the aftermath told them that they were going to be fathers.
And now there was no escape. No do-overs. No way she could pretend nothing was wrong and then plan the big moment for the next night. She’d utterly ruined everything and it was too late to salvage the mess she’d made.
“Talk to us, Lily,” Seth pleaded. “We don’t like to see you unhappy. Is it …” He broke off, rubbed the back of his neck with his palm. Then he dropped his hand and stared back at her with tortured eyes. “Is it us? Are you no longer happy with the arrangement we have?”
Her mouth dropped open in shock. “What? No!” Oh God. It was what they all believed. She’d done this. Made them doubt her commitment because they’d noticed her unhappiness and her distance.
She closed her eyes. “I’m pregnant.”
It came out barely a whisper, the words so final. When she opened her eyes, they were staring at her in total surprise.
The multitude of emotions that registered on their faces was hard to track. There was relief. They’d obviously expected something far worse. There was uncertainty, as if they weren’t sure they could express their happiness over such news. And there was worry and fear because they knew that of all things, she feared having another child the most.
Seth blew out his breath and wiped a hand over his mouth. He was always, or at least usually, so self-assured. As sheriff he had to be, and he always knew what to say. But now he seemed, for lack of a better word, lost.
Michael looked shell-shocked, and for the first time she realized how just blurting out such news had affected them. Damn it, but she’d just ruined what should have been a special moment. Perhaps one of the most special moments of their lives. She knew how badly they wanted children. A large family like they’d grown up in. They’d been patient and understanding with her fears. They’d never pushed her. Not once. They’d been willing to wait as long as she needed, or to forego having children altogether if that was her wish.
But deep down, she’d known how much they wanted their own family.
Now she’d made a complete and utter mess and she was horrified by her selfishness.
Tears stung her eyes and she put a hand to her mouth to stifle the sob choking her. They’d done so much to make her happy, and she couldn’t even give them this one thing without making it sound like the end of the world?
“I’m so sorry,” she said in agony. “You didn’t deserve this. Not this way.”
“Lily,” Dillon began.
She shut him out. For the first time she could ever remember, she purposely turned away, closing herself off from her husbands.
She hurried toward the back, wanting—needing—fresh air. To be able to breathe around the huge knot in her throat. So that maybe she wouldn’t dissolve into tears or completely break down and lose what little composure she had left.
The cold was a slap in the face, but it was what she needed. Her boots, haphazardly shoved onto her feet, were awkward as she trekked through the snow toward her bench.
She really had no idea where she was going. Or she did, but knew it was no escape. She was so angry at herself for doing this to them.
Of all the ways to tell them that they were going to have a son or daughter, this wasn’t one she’d wanted. They would forever associate their firstborn with their mother freaking out and being a selfish twit. Not exactly what she’d want to put into a scrapbook or memory book.
She sank onto the bench and bowed her head, covering her face with her hands.
Almost immediately, warm, strong hands slid over her shoulders. Seth and Michael settled onto the bench next to her while Dillon crouched in front of her. He gently pried her hands away from her face, his expression warm and loving.
“I’m so sorry,” she choked out.
“What for? For being human and being scared?” Dillon asked quietly. “Lily, you don’t have to put on a brave front with us. You don’t have to pretend.”
Michael smoothed a hand over her hair and then leaned in to press a kiss to the top of her head. On her other side, Seth slid his hand over hers and laced their fingers together.
“How do you feel about it?” Seth asked softly.
“Scared,” she admitted. It felt good to say it out loud. To get it out there. “It caught me off guard. I wasn’t prepared and so when I learned that I was for sure pregnant, all the grief over Rose just came back. All the old fears. For a while I was back there in that time, feeling just as I felt then. Exhausted, helpless, alone. Oh God, I don’t want to ever feel that way again.”
Michael pulled her back into his arms and she laid her head back against his chest while Seth still held tightly to her hand. “I’m sorry, Lily. We were so careful, or we tried to be. You have to know we wouldn’t have you feel this way for anything in the world. We just want you to be happy, and if that meant never having a child, we were okay with that.”
She appreciated the sentiment, but she was beyond the what-ifs now. She didn’t have the luxury of imagining or weighing whether she ever wanted to have another child or not. It was here. Her reality. She was pregnant, and she’d never ever do anything to change that fact.
“I want this baby,” she said quietly, fiercely. “I’m scared out of my mind, but I want it. I love him or her already.”
A shiver stole over her. Dillon peeled off his coat and arranged it around her body so she would have it and Michael’s body for warmth.