I’m don’t think I’m strong enough to forgive that, but I can give her the words. I can do that much, because it’s what Olivia wants. She needs to know I will do ANYTHING for her, anything she asks, including facing my mother and easing some of her pain.
“It’s okay, Mom. I love you, it’s going to be okay,” I tell her.
Her eyes finally move away from Caroline’s body when one of the paramedics begins the process of covering her up.
“I’m so sorry, Cole,” she whispers. “I’m so ashamed.”
I hop forward and put my hands on her shoulders. “You saved Olivia. You have no idea… she is my everything. I can’t live without her and you saved her.”
I feel Olivia’s hands tighten on my hips and my voice cracks with emotion as I continue. “I know you did what you thought was right. I know you were only trying to protect us.”
She nods her head in agreement as the tears fall from her eyes. My mother’s head jerks up at the sound of a zipper behind me, and her face scrunches up in agony as Caroline’s body is lifted onto a stretcher. The cop holding onto her arms starts to tug her backwards and she screams at the top of her lungs, struggling to get out of his grasp.
“NO! I CAN’T LEAVE MY BABY! SHE NEEDS ME!”
I don’t know what to do and I don’t know what to say. I’ve never even heard my mother raise her voice and she’s screaming and crying so loudly right now that it’s like looking at a stranger. Gone is my proud, regal mother and in her place is a broken, hysterical woman. The cop wraps his arms around her, trying to prevent her from charging the paramedics wheeling my sister’s body away, and my mother’s cries continue to get louder and more distraught.
“SHE’S SO COLD! MY BABY IS SO COLD AND SHE DOESN’T LIKE THE DARK! GET HER OUT OF THAT BAG! IT’S TOO DARK!”
Before I can say anything, try to come up with any combination of words that will soothe her, Olivia is in front of me, holding onto my mother’s upper arms.
“It’s okay, Vivien. We’ll go with her. We won’t let her be alone.”
My mother’s screams instantly quiet at Olivia’s words, a soft, pitiful keening sound coming from her throat as she stares at Olivia.
“I promise, we won’t leave her alone,” Olivia reassures her.
My mother stops struggling and the cop slowly removes his arms from around her. Her chin quivers and she closes her eyes and nods.
“I never wanted this to happen. I thought I was keeping you safe. I thought I was keeping you all safe. My grandson is gone because of me. My daughter is gone because of me. It’s all my fault.”
We watch as they walk her through the rain, sliding her into the back of a police car. We agree to meet them at the station to answer all of their questions, but only after we do what Olivia promised.
We follow behind the stretcher as my sister’s body is loaded into the back of the ambulance, Garrett and Olivia helping me climb inside before joining me on the bench. Olivia sits in between us, holding onto both of my hands as I remember games of hide and seek, a sweet laugh that echoed through the halls of my childhood home and little hints of madness and obsession underneath the mask of frivolity and playfulness.
We sit in silence on the long, quiet ride to the hospital, making sure my sister isn’t alone.
ONE WEEK LATER…
“I’m so sorry I haven’t been back here sooner.”
I close my eyes and take a deep breath, a gentle breeze ruffling my hair. Part of me hopes that when I open my eyes, I’ll be somewhere else, a place where this isn’t my reality. I want him here with me, smiling and laughing and changing every day. I haven’t been back here in five months because I couldn’t bear the thought of him in this place alone, never changing, forever frozen as the tiny infant who only lived a few minutes.
The words I spoke to Vivien last week ring in my head. I promised her we wouldn’t leave her baby alone and yet, I couldn’t make the same promise to my own baby.
I slowly open my eyes, finding myself in the exact same spot. I’m still surrounded by perfectly manicured grass, little squares of granite popping up from the ground as far as the eye can see. There’s only one that means anything to me, though. Only one that bears the name of my heart and soul.
Kneeling down, I nestle the stuffed monkey that I bought on the way over in the grass right in front of the headstone. Reaching up, I trace my fingers over the name etched in the stone.
“Cole Garrett Lafierre,” I whisper as my fingers move gently through the grooves. “I wanted you before you were even conceived. I loved you long before you were born. I would have gladly given my life just for you to live and know how much I loved you.”
“He knows.”
I’m not surprised when I hear the quiet voice behind me. I told Parker I was coming here and it took fifteen minutes to reassure her that I was fine going alone. She isn’t Cole’s biggest fan at the moment, but given everything he’s been through in the last week, she’s been cutting him some slack. I wish I could do the same. I want to do the same, but my heart has been beaten and abused so much in the last year that I don’t know if I have anything left to give. I’ve ignored his text messages, I’ve sent his phone calls straight to voicemail and I’ve pretended like I wasn’t home when he knocked on my door. I know he needs me; I know his family has been ripped apart and I know he wants to try and make up for the hurt they’ve caused, but nothing can fix my broken heart. Nothing can take away the memory of the words he spoke to me or the fact that he believed I was capable of something so selfish and uncaring.