My heart palpitated. My mind drew a blank. And as expected, I stared at him like I was starved for the sight of him before I broke contact and continued to swipe my keycard.
When I heard the lock unlatch from the door, indicating that it was open, I pushed the door slightly before looking back at him. “Do you want to come up?”
“I thought you were single,” he finally managed to say. He was looking at me as if I had lied to him. “Does he know that you cheated on him?”
Just exactly how long had he been standing there? “Troy—”
He cut me off. “Have you ever cheated on me?”
“No.” How could he ask me that? It was demeaning.
He lingered on my face before looking away towards the quiet street. “I came here to offer a truce. Maybe to start over as friends again.”
Friends? Wait—what? He wanted us to be friends? Had he gone mad?
“Friends?” I asked as if the word was alien to me. It probably was. When it came to Toby Watson, being friends was the last thing I had in mind…the image of him nestled in between my legs, his eyes feasting on me—goodness, I probably was drunker than I thought.
“I have accepted the fact that you and I can never be—that you’re in love with another man. For days, I pondered about what happened in Rome, and I came to the conclusion the other day that maybe it was your way of saying your goodbye. Of shutting that door behind you before finally moving on to be with him without any traces from our relationship.
“I’m starting anew… and I want to restart our friendship as it once was. Since we’re best friends with the same people, I thought it would make more sense if we put our differences aside and start over again.”
Wow. He had even managed to say those things to me as if he was reciting a cooking recipe—with a complete lack of emotion. Was my mouth parted? Yep. Was I in shock? You bet.
So he was on a mission of building friendships. Good on him. Truly. But could I come up with the courage to see him as such? I had no idea. If this was his way of extending an olive branch, then I would gladly take it. I had wronged him over and over again; it was the least I could do.
“I would like that very much.”
He smiled wanly at me. “Goodnight, Lucy.”
I barely gave him a nod before I watched him disappear, walking towards the dimly lit street without looking back.
Could I really be friends with a man who unknowingly had my heart? How long could I carry on pretending that I was in love with Troy when it was Toby I was so madly in love with?
I hadn’t a clue, but I was going to give it a try. Who knew? Maybe this was the answer I needed after all these months in order to start over again.
Chapter 7
Toby
She hadn’t been lying. She truly was in love with him. I had waited outside for an hour after I had found out that she wasn’t in her flat. Her locks hadn’t changed, and I used the key I had been given before she and I had broken it off. She’d never asked for it back, and I had no intentions of returning it.
I had patiently waited for her as I recalled what had happened in my place hours before. When she had said she was sorry, it had taken everything in me not to lash out at her because, when she’d said those words, it had felt like she regretted everything about us. It was as if she had been saying sorry for what had transpired in Rome, and I couldn’t fathom that. I had been so consumed with my suffering that it was hard to let it go. My suffering had been my constant companion. If there was no suffering, then there would be no Lucy. I wasn’t ready for that.
They said a desperate man would do anything—he would lick the crumbs off the floor if it could only keep the hunger at bay. I was the desperate man. If friendship with her was the crumbs I had to keep back my hunger, then I would gladly get on my knees and suffer some more.
I wasn’t willing to let her go. Even if she was with another man. Even if her heart no longer wanted me. None of that mattered. At the end of the day, all that truly mattered was having her in my life.
+++
“You look like you haven’t slept at all.”
I glanced at Chad as I prepared my coffee. “Maybe because I didn’t.” I captured the fleeting look of sadness—pity—in his face before he resumed to being his chirpy self again.
“Oh, Toby, she’ll come around.” He gave my arm a tight squeeze before moving towards the cupboard to get himself a cup for his own coffee.
I doubted that Lucy was ever coming around; it had been over a year now. Though who was counting? Since I had nothing better to say, I remained silent.
“Anyhoo, I want you to be the first to know that Luke and I are trying to adopt a baby,” he announced the second he slid on the stool before me.
His news shocked me. The couple had given no indication that they were baby hunting. Besides, the word baby alone already made me feel guilty about the one Amelia was carrying.
“That’s exciting news. I’m truly glad for you, Chad. You’ve come along way. You deserve all the happiness in the world.”
His dark eyes misted a tad. “I’m not sure I tell you enough, but I’m fucking happy to call you my friend. You don’t judge me; you just accept my craziness as if you approve of the likes of me. You don’t care that I’m gay, or that I’m black, or that I have a wacky sense of style and a wackier train of thought. Thank you for making me a part of your family.”
Oh, man, I hadn’t been trying to make him cry, but his eyes sure had misted a bit. Chad… when I first met him, I thought him obnoxious. However, the more I got to know him, the more I saw the true person inside. And after I heard all the horrors that had happened to him, I was the one who felt honored to be his friend. He was right, though. He was my family, more than the ones I was blood related to.
“I didn’t know you were quite so hormonal, too, my friend.” Throwing a light joke, my spirits lifted a little when I saw him smile.
“We’re trying to adopt a baby girl. It’s been a month, and I’m trying to not lose hope, you know?”
“If it’s meant to be, you’re going to have your baby girl. Don’t stress on it.”
He nodded, sipping his coffee as he regarded me. “What’s going on with your own baby? I know you don’t talk about it much, but I’m curious as to where your head is at, at the moment.”
The baby. My heart constricted as I pictured a tiny baby girl with blue eyes and wisps of blonde hair. A tiny version of Lucille Connelly. I was never going to have that with her. Best to let the dream go amongst everything else.