Chapter Nineteen
Pagan
Sleeping on it didn’t make accepting it any easier. It seemed like a really bad dream. I rolled over to see Miranda’s empty bed. Another night with Nathan. I had two female friends here. One was in heat and always gone. The other wasn’t human. I was truly alone. I reached for my phone and scrolled down my contacts until I found my mother’s number. I needed to hear her voice. This must be what homesick felt like.
“Pagan? Hey, Honey, are you okay?”
“I’m okay,” I assured her. I wasn’t one to call home much. The one time we had talked last week had been when she’d called me to see how I was settling in.
“It’s seven in the morning. I didn’t realize you were capable of being awake at seven in the morning.”
“Ha. Ha. I have three eight a.m. classes a week, thank you very much.”
“Oh, well that explains it. This is a new phenomenon. I had to beat you with your bacon in the mornings to get you up before seven thirty.”
“I’m a big girl now,” I replied feeling a lump form in my throat. Talking to mom wasn’t making this better. I wanted to go curl up on the couch with her and watch CSI reruns.
“You sure? Because something sounds wrong.”
“I miss you,” I managed to choke out without crying.
“Oh, baby. I miss you too! Are you homesick? I could come visit. Do you want me to come visit?”
No. I didn’t want her to come visit because I may not let her leave me. “No. I’m fine. I just wanted to hear your voice this morning and tell you that I miss your pancakes. A caramel latte just isn’t the same thing.”
Mom chuckled into the phone. “Well as soon as you get home for Thanksgiving break I will have pancakes waiting for you.”
“Thanks. I can look forward to those. I need to go now. I’ve got to get dressed.”
“Alright. Don’t be late for class. Call me anytime you want to. You’re a beautiful, smart girl and you’ll find your place there real soon.”
“Okay, I’ll talk to you soon. Love you.”
“Love you, Honey. Bye.”
“Bye.”
I dropped the phone onto the bed and stood up to go get a shower. My eyes landed on the silver Celtic knot that had once hung around Dank’s neck. It was lying on top of my notebook. I started to reach for it and stopped. I wasn’t sure how it got here and why it was here. I’d told him to leave me alone. I didn’t like thinking he could be in my room while I was sleeping. I hurried to the bathroom. Getting out of this room and in the real world where people had bodies and weren’t immortal was my ultimate goal.
When I opened the front door of the dorm to head to class I stopped when Jay shoved off from the railing he had been leaning on. He had a coffee in his hands. I knew Jay didn’t drink coffee.
“Good morning,” he said smiling and holding the coffee out toward me. “Caramel latte with whipped cream.”
“Thank you,” I replied taking the cup from him. “What did I do to deserve morning coffee service?”
Jay shrugged, “It gave me a reason to see you. Miranda told me what time you left this morning and I thought I’d see if I could score some bonus points. The fact I get to start my day with you was a pretty big draw.”
Smiling I took a sip of the coffee then sighed my approval. “Well, thank you. That’s really sweet.”
“I had one more ulterior motive,” he said and rubbed his hands together. That was his nervous gesture. I knew it well.
“Okay, but can we discuss it on my way to class, so I’m not late?” I asked stepping up beside him.
“Yeah, yeah, of course.” We walked down the stairs and headed for the sidewalk that led to the front of the English building.
“Okay. What is it you want that you got up to come bribe me with coffee this early in the morning?”
“I was wondering if there was any chance you’d give me one more chance at a date. Just friends, but, well not just friends. I want to spend time with you. Maybe we could go out to eat and bowling. You used to kick my tail at bowling.”
Under normal circumstances, this would have been a definite no. However, I was lonely. I needed friends. Jay had been my friend for several years. Spending time with him wasn’t the worst idea in the world. Hanging out with Death was the worst idea in the world. This was definitely a step up; at least he was human. He wasn’t as sexy and his kisses didn’t make my toes curl, but he was nice enough. I couldn’t measure other guys against Dank. It was unfair. He wasn’t human so therefore a human could not compete.
“Sure. That sounds like fun. When do you want to do this?”
Jay stopped walking and looked over at me as if he didn’t believe I’d just said yes. He started walking again grinning like I’d just offered him money instead of agreed to a date. “Uh, tomorrow night. We don’t have school the next morning.”
Sure. I needed something to do. “Sounds like a plan.”
***
Three weeks later and I’d found a comfortable pattern with Jay. He brought me coffee three days a week and walked me to class. We went out to eat with Miranda and Nathan on Tuesdays, we went bowling on Thursdays and Friday night was dinner and a movie. It was exactly like high school. Everything was very organized and very boring.
The one thing I’d learned was that having someone with you all the time did not take away the loneliness. You could be surrounded by people and be lonely. Something was missing. I could almost pinpoint it, but right when it was within my grasp I forgot; it just slipped away.
Tonight I was supposed to go to a study group for my literature class that Dank was no longer in. It bothered me that I missed him. I shouldn’t miss him. The excitement of walking into class knowing he might be there was gone now. I had the excitement of a well planned out relationship. I grabbed my book bag and headed out the door and down the steps. The loud screeching of metal and horns blaring stopped me. Then the twisting, crunching sound of metal against metal filled the air. People began pouring out of the dorm to see what happened. I walked with the crowd closer to the street where the two cars that had collided were now still. Smoke was streaming out of the hoods. The smaller car was upside down. I heard people screaming to call 911; others were crying.
The shattering of glass drew everyone’s attention to the car that had flipped. The weight the SUV was putting on the windows must have been too much. No one was moving in either car. I heard girls on their phones around me making phone calls and telling other people about the wreck. No one seemed to know who it was just yet.
It was then I felt him. I couldn’t see him but he was here. No one else seemed to notice. Why was it that I did? I scanned both the wrecked cars for any sign of him but he wasn’t visible. The fact I knew he was nearby didn’t frighten me. If I was honest with myself I wanted to see him. Warmth ran up my arms and I shivered. “Where are you?” I whispered.
I got no response.
The warmth only lasted a short time and then it was gone. Sirens began to blare and the crowd was moved back. I was numb.
He’d gone.
I was sad. Not because I knew someone in those cars had died. I was sad because he’d been close but I hadn’t been able to see him. Why would I want to see him? Was something wrong with me?
I pushed my way back through the crowd until I was free of the bodies pressed closely together as they tried to get a closer look at the accident. Taking a deep breath I walked over and sat down on the steps. I was positive that our study group would not meet tonight. I just hoped it was no one I knew in those vehicles.
My phone began ringing and I pulled it out to see Miranda’s number flashing on the screen.
“Hey.”
“Oh my god. Thank goodness you’re okay. I just saw the wreck on the news and it was right outside our dorm. They aren’t releasing any more information so I wasn’t sure. Jay is already on his way over there. I called him and he left work and headed your way.”
I wasn’t in the mood for Jay tonight. I wanted to go curl up in my room alone and pull out the necklace I’d hidden in my drawer. Dank had left it with me for a reason. I needed to understand why.
“I’m fine. I’m not sure they’ll let him through. I think they have roads blocked off. But I’ll call and let him know I’m safe. It is a bad one. No one knows who it is yet.”
“Call me as soon as you find out and you go inside and be safe,” Miranda said in a commanding voice. Smiling, I agreed and hung up.
By the time Jay arrived the cars were being towed off the road and the coroner had pronounced the driver of the smaller car dead and the body had been taken away. The passenger of the other vehicle had also been pronounced dead. All I could think about was that Dank had to live through this daily. It was something he could never escape. Did it bother him? Was there any emotion for him?
“Here, I brought you something to eat,” Jay said as he climbed the steps to the dorm and sat beside me. I hadn’t been able to walk away from the accident. I’d been sitting here watching it. Every moment. Every sob and wail of family members arriving to be told someone they loved was dead. I’d watched it all. They walked away tonight hating Death. It had taken from them. I could understand their pain but my chest ached for Dank. He didn’t cause the accident. He didn’t choose to have those people die. It was their bodies that couldn’t survive. It wasn’t his fault that their souls could no longer stay inside their bodies. But because of his name and his purpose people hated him. The event in everyone’s life wasn’t an event at all. It was a being. If they only understood that it wasn’t Death’s fault.