“Christ, you’re bewitching me,” he panted. “Let’s not get too carried away, Leah.”
“I want to get carried away,” I protested.
He chuckled and climbed off of me, and away went my satisfaction. It was okay, somewhat, because he still wrapped his arm around me and kept me flushed against him. I stared at him for a while as he tried to calm his breathing down. With eyes still firmly closed, his chest rose and fell rapidly. He was getting himself back under control, ready to retreat into his reserved state. The Carter State I’d aptly called it.
I smiled, thinking just then of his words from a moment ago. I was bewitching him. “You’re totally into me, aren’t you, Carter? Is that why you’re breathing all hard? I know I’m irresistible, but this kind of knocks even that word out of the waters.”
His mouth spread into a wide grin. Those perfect teeth, those plump lips, the way he peeked at me for a brief moment, these were the small little things that cemented my absolute love in him. They twisted my insides in the best way possible.
“You just taste good,” he finally muttered when his chest returned to normal.
“Likewise,” I replied. “I think our lips were made for each other.”
“Yeah? I think lips are just lips.”
“You know you’re made for me, Carter. You just don’t want to admit it.”
His smile slowly faded. “Nobody’s made for anyone, Leah.”
I rolled my eyes. He was such a hopeless guy. “Maybe you’re right, and maybe you’re wrong. Time will tell. Now kiss me again and don’t climb over me because I’m sure you’ll tear my clothes apart, and I’m not ready for that kind of molestation in the world’s most unromantic place.”
“Yeah, it’s a pretty weird car, huh?”
“Freaking weird is an understatement. I feel like I’ve been swallowed by a zebra.”
“Crazy things make for wicked memories. You’ll look back at this fondly one day, I’m sure.”
We stared at the interior once more before we burst into laughter. I ran my hands over the seat covers. The fabric was soft and it was pretty clean, I guess. He was right. This would definitely be looked back on in the future quite fondly.
I turned my face to his after I was done exploring the vehicle and waited expectantly for that kiss I had demanded. He just stared at me, hesitating as he took in my lips with thoughtful eyes.
“Leah,” he started quietly, “I’m not a relationship kind of guy. You’ve always known that.”
Heart failure. “But you asked me to be with you.”
“I know, it’s just…” he sighed and ran a hand through his shaggy hair. “I don’t want to fuck up our friendship. Some days it’s all I have and I can’t stand the thought of being responsible for hurting you.”
You’ve already hurt me. “You won’t hurt me.”
“Yes, I will,” he said with conviction. “That’s just how I’m wired, Leah. I’m a fucking disaster and I’ll take you down with me if you expect me to give you all of me.”
Knifed right in the chest. “You’re not a disaster, Carter. Besides, you can’t try and convince me not to want you. I’m old enough to decide for myself what I want, and it’s you. Let’s just see how it goes. We don’t have to call ourselves anything. We’ll still be friends and a little more. I know you want that.”
Yeah, he did. It was written on his face. He wanted to kiss me again, but he truly believed he wasn’t good for me. I shouldn’t have said what I did. I was being selfish, pushing him past his limits for my own needs. I’m telling you right now love is a dangerous and complicated thing. It destroys logic and shuts away the whispering voice inside your head warning you of the damage to come. Even then I knew it was going to be all my fault if he pushed me away later on. I would be nursing a devastated heart and have nobody to blame but myself.
Yet… I just didn’t care. I was too obsessed with having him in any way I could get him. If I pushed him to just try and be with me, maybe he would want it as much as me. Maybe whatever was holding him back would go away.
“Are you offering me a friends with benefits type of relationship?” he wondered aloud.
I hesitated a moment. The term made me cringe, but I swallowed and nodded anyway. “Sure. If that’s what you want.”
“Are you sure about this?” he suddenly asked, looking over every inch of my face, trying to discern me when he should have known I’d spent the last seven years of my life fighting to hide my hurt.
“I’m sure,” I answered with a tentative smile. “Give me more.”
And that was all it took for him to bridge the gap. Without reservation, he kissed me again, harder than before and without restraint. He climbed back over me, grabbing at my legs this time to spread them apart.
“If it’s too much, tell me to stop,” he panted in between our kisses. “I’m not going to push you, Angel.”
I nodded against his lips as he ravaged me. His hands roamed my body and my own grabbed at his jacket, pulling it off of him. He aimlessly threw it somewhere and grabbed at my hoodie. It disappeared too. With his body pressed against mine, I wasn’t cold. On the contrary, it was burning beneath him, seeking more of his touch until it felt like I would combust. Our heavy breaths fogged up the car windows making the streetlights look like smears of light inside.
I surprised myself with the noises that came out of my mouth when he grinded between my legs. Delicious sparks shot up inside of me, making my legs clench him tightly to me. I was tingling everywhere, and I grabbed at his shirt and threw it off. My hands roamed his hard chest and the second they inched down to his abdomen, along where his V teased me for more, Carter grabbed them and forced them away from his zipper.
“No,” he whispered against my mouth. “Not like this, Leah.”
“Yes, like this,” I pleaded. “Please. I really want this, Carter. I always wanted this with you.”
I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was horny, if we were going to be a hundred thousand percent honest. Something about him made my inhibitions disappear. He didn’t have condoms and I wasn’t on birth control. I was playing with fire, and I didn’t want to end up burned, homeless and knocked up. But at the time it seemed reasonable. In that split second, with the throbbing between my legs begging for friction, I rationalized I most likely wouldn’t end up pregnant. And besides, the world would go on.