'Where?'
'Bowling Monthly,' I say, flushing slightly. 'My grandpa gets it.'
'Bowling what?'
'Please! Look, you don't have to do anything. I'll sort it all out. It'll be a drop in the ocean compared to all the other ads you've run.' I stare at him entreatingly. 'Please … please …'
'Oh all right!' he says impatiently. 'It's a dead duck, anyway.'
'Thanks!' I beam at him, then as he walks off, reach for the phone and dial Grandpa's number.
'Hi Grandpa!' I say as his answermachine beeps. 'I'm putting a money-off coupon ad for Panther Bars in Bowling Monthly. So tell all your friends! You can stock up cheaply. I'll see you soon, OK?'
'Emma?' Grandpa's voice suddenly booms into my ear. 'I'm here! Just screening.'
'Screening?' I echo, trying not to sound too surprised. Grandpa screens?
'It's my new hobby. Have you not heard of it? You listen to your friends leaving messages and laugh at them. Most amusing. Now Emma, I was meaning to ring you. I saw a very alarming piece on the news yesterday, about muggings in central London.'
Not this again.
'Grandpa—'
'Promise me you don't take London transport, Emma.'
'I er … promise,' I say, crossing my fingers. 'Grandpa, I have to go, really. But I'll call again soon. Love you.'
'Love you too, darling girl.'
As I put the phone down I feel a tiny glow of satisfaction. That's one thing done.
But what about Connor?
'I'll just have to go and fish it out of the archives,' Caroline is saying across the office, and my head pops up.
The archive room. Of course. Of course! No-one goes to the archive room unless they absolutely have to. It's way down in the basement, and it's all dark with no windows and loads of old books and magazines, and you end up grovelling on the floor to get what you want.
It's perfect.
'I'll go,' I say, trying to sound nonchalant. 'If you like. What do you have to find?'
'Would you?' says Caroline gratefully. 'Thanks, Emma. It's an old ad in some defunct magazine. This is the reference …' She hands me a piece of paper and I take it, feeling a thrill of excitement. As she walks away, I demurely pick up my phone and dial Connor's number.
'Hey Connor,' I say in a low, husky voice. 'Meet me in the archive room. I've got something I want to show you.'
'What?'
'Just … be there,' I say, feeling like Sharon Stone.
Ha! Office shag here I come!
I hurry down the corridor as quickly as I can, but as I pass Admin I'm accosted by Wendy Smith, who wants to know if I'd like to play in the netball team. So I don't actually get to the basement for a few minutes, and when I open the door, Connor is standing there, looking at his watch.
That's rather annoying. I'd planned to be waiting for him. I was going to be sitting on a pile of books which I would have quickly constructed, one leg crossed over the other and my skirt hitched up seductively.
Oh well.
'Hi,' I say, in the same husky voice.
'Hi,' says Connor, with a frown. 'Emma, what is this? I'm really busy this morning.'
'I just wanted to see you. A lot of you.' I push the door shut with an abandoned gesture and trail my finger down his chest, like an aftershave commercial. 'We never make love spontaneously any more.'
'What?' Connor stares at me.
'Come on.' I start unbuttoning his shirt with a sultry expression. 'Let's do it. Right here, right now.'
'Are you crazy?' says Connor, pushing my fingers out of the way and hastily rebuttoning his shirt. 'Emma, we're in the office!'
'So what? We're young, we're supposed to be in love …' I trail a hand even further down, and Connor's eyes widen.
'Stop!' he hisses. 'Stop right now! Emma, are you drunk or something?'
'I just want to have sex! Is that too much to ask?'
'Is it too much to ask that we do it in bed like normal people?'
'But we don't do it in bed! I mean, hardly ever!'
There's a sharp silence.
'Emma,' says Connor at last. 'This isn't the time or the place—'
'It is! It could be! This is how we get the spark back! Lissy said—'
'You discussed our sex life with Lissy?' Connor looks aghast.
'Obviously I didn't mention us,' I say, hastily backtracking. 'We were just talking about … about couples in general, and she said doing it at work can be … sexy! Come on, Connor!' I shimmy close to him and pull one of his hands inside my bra. 'Don't you find this exciting? Just the thought that someone could be walking down the corridor right now …' I come to a halt as I hear a sound.
I think someone is walking down the corridor right now.
Oh shit.
'I can hear footsteps!' Connor hisses, and pulls sharply away from me, but his hand stays exactly where it is, inside my bra. He stares at it in horror. 'I'm stuck! My bloody watch. It's snagged on your jumper!' He yanks at it. 'Fuck! I can't move my arm!'