“What?”
She nodded, continuing to stare at her hand. “My family all thinks I’m the headstrong, independent, always happy one of all of us. My parents and siblings are in awe of my strength,” she said sarcastically. “But look at me. I’m a mess. None of them know the real truth. They don’t even know I had to be on medication.” She looked up at him a bit hesitantly then continued. “Chris, my friend from New York? She’s actually my ex-therapist. Nobody except Janecia knows I was even in therapy or that I needed to be on anxiety pills for as long as I was.”
“That doesn’t make you a fraud.”
“Yes, it does. I lost it.” She stopped and seemed to think over what she was going to say next. “I held it together after Ryan’s death. My family came out to the services, and my mom even stayed with me for a week. I assured them I was fine but then weeks later I completely lost it.”
Brandon had no idea what she meant by lost it, but if it was much worse than tonight, he was almost afraid to ask. So he offered something else. “You lost your husband suddenly and very tragically. Maybe it took some time to sink in, but it’s normal to grieve and feel inconsolable over something like that.” She shook her head. “It is, babe, and if—”
“I bought a gun, Brandon. At first, I was just really lonely and depressed and missed him terribly. Then I found out I was pregnant.”
The pregnancy she mentioned in the ER was another thing he hadn’t forgotten, but he’d had no intention of asking her about it. It was just another thing he wasn’t sure he could stomach hearing about.
“The baby gave me hope that at least I’d have a part of Ryan with me for the rest of my life. It was bittersweet, but I was happy, and then I miscarried. I hadn’t even had a chance to tell my family about it. I was waiting for the perfect moment.” Brandon wrapped his arms around her as the tears began to slide down her face again. He was determined to not let her lose it again. “As sad as I was, I was also angry. I hated him for having gotten on that motorcycle when he’d promised me he never would. He did it behind my back. He used to ride back home before moving out to New York, and he’d told me about it when we first started dating, but I told him I didn’t date guys who rode motorcycles, so he assured me he never would.” She stopped suddenly and looked at Brandon wide-eyed. “You don’t ever ride motorcycles, do you?”
Brandon had, but he’d never had any desire to own one. At this point, if he planned on keeping Regina in his life, and he had every intention to, he certainly wasn’t going to ride one now. “No,” he said, wiping away a tear from her cheek. “I don’t. And I won’t ever. I promise.”
Her eyes searched his trying to find any trace of dishonesty. Brandon felt for her since obviously both Ryan and Janecia had made the same promise and broken it. He kissed her on the forehead. “I’m into Jeeps and off-roading. I’ve never even been into dirt bikes. I swear to you I’ll never ride a motorcycle.”
That seemed to calm her worried eyes a bit, and she went on. “The day I miscarried I drank an entire bottle of wine, and I trashed my apartment.” They were both silent as she stared at her still-trembling hands, and Brandon held his breath. “I had every intention of taking my life. I even bought the gun off the street because I didn’t want to go through the waiting period and all the red tape of getting it registered. I was too much of a coward to take pills and try to overdose.” She looked up at him her, pained eyes once again swimming in tears. “I have the worst luck in the world, and I figured I may as well do it the sure way. Knowing me, I’d make it through an overdose and would have to face my family, who would then know what I coward and a fraud I really am. I bought the biggest gun I could find to make sure it did the job.”
“Why does that make you a coward or even a fraud, Regina? You had two terrible losses back to back, and you snapped. It’s not unheard of.”
“I’m not the first person to lose someone,” she said, raising her voice. “People lose loved ones all the time, and they get through it. I never even got rid of the gun” She frowned, motioning to the wooden chest.” It’s buried in there somewhere. I made the mental argument with myself that I should keep it since I was a single woman living alone, but deep inside, I knew it was really for fear that I might need it again someday.” She pointed at him with that feral look in her eyes she had earlier when she’d told him about Janecia, so Brandon held her tight. “You lost both your parents, one of them just as suddenly and tragically as I lost Ryan, and I bet you never considered taking your life.” Shaking her head, she stared out at nothing in particular. “I can’t even imagine,” she whispered. “You’re so much stronger than I am. I’m so weak. After everything you’ve been through and all by yourself, you didn’t fall apart like I did. I had my entire family and friends, and still, if it hadn’t been for my neighbors, I wouldn’t be here right now.”
Brandon lowered his face to try to get her attention. He waited until he had it and she was looking right at him. “People handle things differently, and everybody grieves differently, okay? No, I never considered taking my life, but think about it. What did I do? I did the very same thing you almost did. Maybe not literally but I made the decision to stop living. I went through the motions of waking and working and continuing with my life, but I wasn’t living. I didn’t even realize it until you came along. This is living.” He kissed her softly because he’d just had a huge revelation. “What I was doing before you . . . Baby, I may as well have been dead. My life now with you compared to what it was then . . . I was dead.”