“No,” I told him. “Don’t come and then decide to leave when you realize what’s happening between us –”
“There’s nothing happening between us,” he seethed.
“Liar.”
Abruptly, he gripped me tightly around the shoulders, shaking me as he gritted out, “You want to know where I’ve been? I’ve been wondering what the fuck I’m supposed to do with you. I don’t know whether to fire you or fuck you.”
“You won’t fire me,” I retorted, glaring at him with certainty. “You want me, and not just my body, but me. Admit it.”
“You’re delusional.”
“No, I’m just not afraid of you anymore.”
His eyes narrowed. “Then you’re an idiot, Emma.”
“Good. If being an idiot means being with you, then I’ll embrace it.”
He let me go, staring at me like I’d gone mad, but I hadn’t. I was just admitting something we’d both known for a long while.
“Then I let this go too far,” he murmured quietly, almost to himself.
“Because you wanted to,” I replied, pressing him to admit it. “Don’t act like I’m the crazy one here. You wanted to take it far because you liked how good it felt.”
He didn’t respond. He looked like he was desperate for an escape. He glanced over my shoulder and at the door and then at me again.
“Don’t go,” I pled, shaking my head. “You’re not the kind of man that runs.”
Jesus, what had happened to him? He looked completely out of sorts, like his guard was down. And angry. Very fucking angry.
Instead of going, he turned around and strode away. I watched him disappear into the bedroom, shutting the door violently like he owned the place.
I was shaky and anxious. I stared at the door for some time, unwilling to move until my heart rate calmed down. Then I let out a breath and went to him. I opened the bedroom door quietly and found him seated on the edge of my bed in the dark, elbows on each knee, looking down at the floor. I moved to him and knelt down in front of him, taking in his expressionless face, which I knew was a façade. He was hiding his emotions, like he was so good at doing.
“Borden,” I whispered, softly. “Talk to me.”
His eyes flickered to mine. There was hesitation there. He wasn’t prepared to talk, and that was strange all on its own. I’d never seen him unprepared with just about anything.
“I don’t know what to do with you,” he finally muttered, sounding lost.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you’re getting under my skin, Emma.”
My hand reached out to his face, and I stroked his cheek. He shut his eyes at my touch. “Maybe that’s a good thing,” I said.
He shook his head. “No, it’s not. I’m not supposed to bring anyone close.”
“Why?”
He opened his eyes, looking gravely at me. “You know why.”
Kate.
“I’m so tired of being in control of everything,” he went on, his voice growing harder. “I’m so sick of being this way. Sick of being on top. Sick of being alone. Sick of pining for a woman I know will get hurt in the end.”
“I won’t get hurt,” I heatedly stressed.
“There are a lot of people out there that will try to hurt you, Emma. Do you want to end up dead, your body in the river, placed there just so I could dive in and pull you out?”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “That won’t happen.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because you’ll make sure of that, and so will I.”
He didn’t look convinced, shaking his head irritably.
“I’m not soft,” I added, angered by his doubt. “I’ve taken care of myself through a hell of a lot in my short life, Borden, and the only person who has ever gotten through to me is a man who takes great pleasure in being an asshole. Deep down, we’re the same. We came from the same place. We carry similar scars and we’ve endured. You don’t have any right to say otherwise.”
“And what happens if you’re wrong? If I bring you into my world and I call you mine, I’m fucked. Like the drugs, Emma, I latch. You won’t go – I wouldn’t let you.”
I gave him a sad smile. “That’s life. It’s a gamble. We take risks so that on the other side it might mean something.”
He tore away from my eyes and dropped his head. He ran both hands through his hair, exhaling loudly. “I never wanted to be in this position again, but I can’t get you out of my fucking head. I can’t breathe without thinking about you, and I…I feel guilt over it.”
“Why guilt?”
“Because I reserved myself for her.”
I nodded slowly, admittedly a little jealous at this admission, though I understood it was wrong to feel that way. I clasped my hands over his and brought them away from his head. Leaning closer, I nuzzled into him, searching for his mouth. He raised his head to me, and I softly kissed him.
“It’s okay to feel that way,” I reassured him. “I’m not asking you to love me like you love Kate. Hell, I’m not asking you to love me period. I’m just asking that you take a step forward with me, and maybe something good will come of it.”
His blue eyes searched mine, and for once, I felt unreadable. With that soft smile on my face, he couldn’t see that I was hurting on the inside. I was falling for him, and in that moment, I didn’t think it was possible he’d ever feel the same as me.
Why was I okay with that?
“You’re sure this is what you want?” he asked, looking me over carefully. “Because I swear to fucking God, the second you say yes, I’m packing your shit and taking you to my place.”
“I’ve done well taking care of myself, you know.”
“Not like this. I can’t afford to slip up once, Emma. If anyone gets at you…No fucking way. I need to be able to get a hold of you any time I need to. I can no longer have you looked after by just Graeme. ”
I smiled. “Does he live in his car? Is that why I see him everywhere?”
“No, but I’m sure he sleeps in it. He’s protective of you, you know.”
“Why?”
Borden shrugged. “Just is. I don’t know. Won’t let anyone take his place, but I get why. You’re fucking addictive, so it’s no surprise he’s addicted to looking out for you.”