The bar I’d spent the last few hours in was just off campus, and had already started filling up with the Friday night crowd. I was tucked away into a dimly lit corner booth, away from the excited bustle of my fellow students.
What I wanted was to speak to Jade, but after our row earlier, I thought it better to give her some space, and myself the chance to process her news. It had come as a shock, but what surprised me was the relief I felt knowing it was my baby she was expecting, and not some other assholes’.
The waitress came by and placed another soda in front of me before removing the empty bottle on my table, and I nodded my thanks. It would have been easy to get drunk – I sure as hell needed a drink – but I wanted a clear head in order to put everything in perspective. When someone sat down on the bench opposite me, I looked up and saw that my father had taken a seat. His dark blond hair stuck up in all directions as a result of the rain, and his fancy suit was all but dripping on the floor. The likeness between us was uncanny, and no one would doubt that I was his son.
“I was hoping I’d find you here,” he said, taking off his wet coat. He shook some water from his hair, and relaxed, eyeing me with wariness and concern.
“A little out of your way,” I replied. I hadn’t seen him in a few weeks, and couldn’t deny that I was happy to see him. Out of everyone close to me, he was probably the only person I could talk to right then.
“Dane called me, he said he was worried about you.”
I fiddled with the cap of my bottle, and gave my father a half-smile. “Doesn’t surprise me, he was never good at keeping his nose out of my business.”
“He cares about you, and the fact that he called me, means something must be wrong.”
My father’s eyes green matched mine, and when he looked at me I saw that he really was worried. He wouldn’t have sought me out if he weren’t. He was a busy man, and although I missed him, he’d always taken the time to be there for me when I needed him. Aside from Dane, my father was also my best friend, and I knew I could trust him with anything. I never feared his judgment, or worried that he’d be disappointed. He simply listened, and helped me where he could.
“You didn’t have to come all the way out here, Dad,” – I took a sip of my soda – “A phone call would have sufficed.”
He waved his hand, and rested back into the booth, his bulking shoulders taking up most of it. “I’m here now. Start talking, son.”
If I weren’t feeling so all over the place I would have chuckled at the authoritative way he spoke to me. It was one of many reasons why people respected him so much, both in and out of the courtroom. You’d think being a tough-as-nails attorney would have hardened him too much, but he was a family man at heart, and he’d taught me what it meant to be a man, a loving father, and a devoted husband. All the things I wanted to be for Jade and our baby, and that scared me.
I was going to be a dad.
I rubbed my hand over my head, and let out a heavy breath. “Where do I even start?” I mused. “It’s such a fucking mess.”
My father ordered a beer, and then rested his clasped hands in front of him. “Easy, you start at the beginning.”
Was there even a beginning?
I started telling him everything that had transpired between Jade and me, from the moment we blurred the line between ‘friends’ and ‘lovers’ to how I dated Stella in the hopes of moving past my feelings for Jade. While I left nothing out, my father listened with intent, and I could almost hear the wheels turning in his head. His occupation had taught him to analyze every fact, and every detail, and to determine the appropriate course of action. I needed him to do that for me now, or at least guide me in the right direction because I was at a loss.
“And then today, I found out she’s pregnant. I freaked out because I thought it was someone else’s, and I humiliated her in public because I was too angry to be rational about it. Turns out the baby’s mine.”
I avoided my father’s knowing gaze, afraid that his concern would shift into disappointment, but that’s not what I got, at all.
He let out a loud woosh of air, and leaned forward. “That’s...shit, that’s a lot to take in.”
This time I did chuckle. “Lucas Cole, at a loss for words? That’s a first.”
My father’s response was to give me a crooked smile, and immediately I relaxed. That one gesture gave me the reassurance I’d been looking for.
“Shut up. You just told me I’m going to be a grandfather. I need a minute.”
“Join the club,” I muttered. “I’m going to be a dad, and I don’t even know if Jade wants me to be part of the baby’s life.”
With thick, furrowed brows, he asked, “Why wouldn’t she want you to? That doesn’t sound like the Jade I know.”
My lips twitched at his comment. He’d always had a soft spot for Jade.
“Yeah well, the Jade I knew wouldn’t have kept something like this from me. I feel like I don’t even know her anymore, Dad. I keep retracing my steps, and wondering where we went so wrong.”
My father huffed wistfully, a smile of remembrance pulling at his lips. “I remember the first time you told me you loved her. We were at her twelfth birthday party at Erik and Raquels’, and Jade was wearing this pink poufy dress with her hair in curls. You stared at her for over an hour, and then you turned to me and said, ‘Dad, one day, Jade and I are going to get married’. I asked you how you knew that, and you simply replied ‘because I like her’.”
“I don’t remember that,” I replied, trying to recall the memory.
“Your mom and I always knew you two would move on from being just friends, and I think Erik and Raquel knew it too. You guys were inseparable for most of your lives.”
“And now look at us,” I laughed bitterly. “We’re not friends, not a couple, but we’re going to be parents.” I pushed my bottle away, and rubbed my hands down my face, “I’m scared, Dad.”
“You know what happened the day I found out your mother was expecting you?” He asked. “I fainted, right there in the bathroom. Passed out cold.”
“Mom must’ve loved that,” I snickered. “Were you scared too? When mom told you she was pregnant?”
“Oh yeah,” he scoffed, “I was terrified for the whole nine months, and when your mother went into labor two weeks after her due date, I thought I was going to give myself a heart attack. But, then you came home, and we figured it out. Your mother wasn’t stressed out, so I relaxed, and after a while, everything just...worked out.”
“What if Jade decides she doesn’t want to keep the baby?” It was the first time I’d aired that concern out aloud, and saying the words made the possibility so much more real. Could I deal with it if she decided not to keep our baby?
No.
It was that simple.
“What if we can’t make it right?” I continued, needing to get all my worries out of my head. “What do I do then?”
My father’s expression turned serious. “Then you fight.”
“But how can I be sure it’s the right thing? How do I know for sure that it’s love, and not just lust?”