Jade looked away, hurt, and fiddled with her fingers. We’d never been so fidgety around each other, and it was a sad testament to how far apart we’d grown. She’d never been uncomfortable around me, and now it looked like she was ready to bolt.
“You know,” she swallowed, lifting her head to look at me, “I was hoping that knowing me all our lives would have entitled me to getting the benefit of the doubt, at least, but obviously I was expecting too much.”
“I saw her face Jade, what was I supposed to do? You’d already left by the time I wanted to talk to you.”
“You’d already made up your mind,” she snapped.
“Jesus,” I groaned. “I’m not accusing you of anything.”
“Then what are you doing here, if not to accuse me?”
“To talk, dammit, and to figure out what the problem is.”
Jade huffed. “Stella is the problem, but I guess you just don’t see it. Everyone else can see her for what she is, why can’t you?”
“She’s only a problem because you don’t like her, and she knows it!”
Jade reared back as if I’d physically slapped her. “I’m not the one who told you we can’t be friends, Reid.”
A bitter laugh stumbled from my mouth, and the words followed before I could stop them. “I can see why blaming it all on Stella for that would be convenient for you.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means you are somewhat responsible for what happened between us. You decided we couldn’t be friends anymore, way before I started seeing Stella.”
Nothing was going as planned, but the only way we were going to work it out was to verbalize everything we kept to ourselves. She had to know, once and for all, that she’d done some irreparable damage to me too. I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. It was starting to gnaw away at me.
“We made a mistake,” she said angrily. “But if I recall correctly you were there too, and now there’s no going back.”
“This is where I disagree,” I replied, fighting the natural inclination to shout. Jade got me riled up in every way, and fighting with her, however wrong, was always my first reaction. Knowing that she regretted us stung. “You decided for both of us we couldn’t be more. You ran scared, and now you want to blame my girlfriend because you’re jealous.”
Jade’s face remained hard, but her eyes had glazed over at some point, and the guilt pulled at me. I didn’t want it to be this way, but once I opened the door to our now screwed up friendship I couldn’t close it. It was too late, and I was afraid we were really and truly done for.
“I think you should leave now,” she said, standing quickly. I jumped up and took hold of her arm. She spun to face me, hitting me with the force of those boundless brown eyes that I’d spent all my life drowning in.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I said, pulling her closer. “Not until you’ve heard everything I have to say.”
“What more is there, Reid? You’ve moved on, and I’m trying my best to stay away because it’s what Stella wants - ”
“Moved on?” I asked incredulously. “You think I’ve moved on? I’m trying to fill the fucking hole you left with someone who will never compare. Don’t you get it?”
Jade bit her lip but I still saw the slight quiver. She was emotional, more so than usual, and I wondered if the end of our friendship had taken a bigger toll on her than I’d initially assumed. Maybe she was just as bruised on the inside as I was, trying to figure how to continue living even though we had to do it without each other.
“Then why are you with her?” Her voice was husky, and thick and unlike I’d ever heard it before. Jade had always been so strong, so willful, and she never showed weakness. But she was showing it all now, allowing me to see that she’d been suffering.
“You did this,” I whispered harshly, ignoring her question. “You made me move forward without you, and God I’m fucking trying but you’re making it impossible!” My voice had risen, and Jade whimpered when I lowered my face to hers.
“Being with Stella is better than being alone and pining for the woman who fucking destroyed me two months ago. She’s not perfect, and I don’t think I love her, but if it means I won’t hurt anymore, I’ll fucking try.”
Jade’s hot breath fanned my face as she squeezed her eyes closed. Her mouth was so close, and I was so tempted to kiss her, crush her body up against mine and never let her go - but I had to. She didn’t want me, and there was only so much a man could take.
“I miss you,” I murmured, pressing my forehead against hers and holding her forearms. “But I can’t do this, Jade. You’ve broken me baby,” I swallowed, struggling to speak calmly without cracking in front of her, “and I have to put myself back together the best way I know how. You walked away first, and I’m just doing what you want.”
Her eyes opened, and I thought I saw her pleading with me not to give up. I wanted to keep fighting, but how could I when she’d given up on us first? I couldn’t do it alone. I needed her at my side.
She delivered her final blow with “I’m sorry,” and I delivered mine with “Te quiero.” I love you.
I let go of her arms, and she cupped her mouth to silence her cries. As much as I wanted to blame her for all of this, I couldn’t. I never planned any of this, but if I’d known this would be the outcome I might have found the strength to stop it before we lost everything.
I stepped away, and grabbed my jacket from the sofa to leave. Jade leaned against the wall, and slid down until she was crouching on the floor. I wanted to comfort her, tell her it would all be okay, but I wasn’t going to lie just to appease her. She made a choice, and without thinking about what would happen afterwards, she made us both pay the ultimate price.
Losing each other.
Chapter 8
Reid
Catch My Breath
I shut the door to my truck, and punched the steering wheel with my fist until I thought my hand was bruised. Walking away from Jade had been the hardest thing I’d ever done, and I needed a minute to catch my breath. The cold air jolted my lungs into working again, but the dull agony in my chest still burned through my body.
It would have been so easy to walk back into her house, and tell her I’d been lying when I said I could try to love Stella, and tell her the truth, that I would never love another woman the way I loved her, but that would only leave me back at square one. Either way I was without Jade and I had to accept that, no matter how difficult.
I started my car, and turned onto the dimly lit road, not quite ready to head back to the apartment I shared with Dane. He was probably next-door with Kennedy, and going to an empty home wasn’t at all appealing. So I drove around, taking a slightly longer detour back to the University campus. ‘Breath’ by Breaking Benjamin started playing through the stereo, so I reached over and turned the volume up until the windows rattled with the heavy beat of the drum. I thrummed my fingers in time with every pounding of the drumstick, and stared out at the dark road ahead.
Memories of Jade and me flicked through my mind, and one in particular had me tightening my grip on the steering wheel until it twisted, and creaked in protest.