I took a deep breath and tried to keep my head above the wave of sadness that crashed over me the instant Maisie appeared. “I don’t understand. Why is she here, then?”
“It’s simple really. Maisie had the potential to be the Chosen.” Lilith’s smile was tight, accusing. “But because of your failure to protect her, she died before she could fulfill her destiny.”
Her words couldn’t have hurt me more if she’d ripped my heart from my chest cavity with her fist. But Lilith had more damage to inflict.
“Without the Chosen, Cain cannot be killed. Unless…”
She let the word hang there, like a dangling spark of hope in a world gone black.
“Unless what?” My voice broke, but I didn’t care. The mother of the dark races had just confirmed that my own failings had doomed us all. I’d do anything to atone for my sins.
“Unless you make one more sacrifice.”
My stomach sank. She looked way too eager for this to be anything comfortable. “I’ve already sacrificed my magic and my immortality.” I raised my arms out to the sides to show just how vulnerable I really was. “What else is there to give?”
Lilith smiled like a cobra. “You’re still breathing.”
My soul shrank into a cold little ball at the base of my spine. “What?”
“You can trade places with Maisie.”
An explosion of movement behind me. Raised voices. Inside the circle, both Phoebe and Maisie openly wept. But I barely registered them. My gaze was glued on the dark pools of the Great Mother’s eyes. Her meaning sunk into my gut like a corpse wearing cement shoes.
I swallowed to dislodge the frozen fist of fear in my throat. “If I trade places with her—”
“Then everything will be as it should.”
“Sabina, don’t listen to her!” Tristan shouted.
“Silence!” Lilith shouted, glaring at my father.
Through a haze, I realized I should be relieved. After all, at least one of us was the Chosen. If what Lilith said was true, then Maisie would be the one who got revenge against Cain, which had a certain pleasing symmetry.
But did I have the guts to surrender my life for hers?
The night Maisie died, I knelt before her corpse and promised to do everything in my power to avenge her death. To make things right. And now Lilith had delivered the perfect solution. In the grand scheme of things, dying seemed like an easy way to balance the scales. Easier than the constant struggle to make the right choices and battle my doubts and navigate through the labyrinthine mire of dark races politics. Easier than living.
I thought about all the beings I’d run into on my way through Irkalla. Orpheus, Vinca, David, Ewan. All the innocent people who died because of my poor decisions or my inability to prevent their deaths. Or who died just because they had the misfortune to know me. Hell, even my own mother hadn’t escaped the damnation of knowing me. She’d died the instant I took my first breath.
Not to mention all the beings I’d killed of my own free will. The ones who died because I had something to prove to the Dominae. Or to myself.
I thought back to the conversation with Tristan the night he explained why he believed Maisie was the Chosen: “I’m hard-pressed to believe the Chosen is someone who spent her life shedding the blood of those she was destined to rule.”
At the time, I’d argued with him, but part of me, the part I refused to acknowledge in my quest to seek vengeance for my sister, knew he was right. I’d never believed I was the Chosen. Never believed someone like me was worthy of that kind of responsibility. Never believed I was anything other than damaged goods.
I took out the two pictures I’d stolen from Tristan’s album the night before. The one of Maisie and me laughing together before everything went to hell. Before Lavinia kidnapped her out from under my nose and doomed her down the dark path that led to her death.
The one of Adam and Giguhl and me. We’d been through so many skirmishes together, the three of us. But now I faced the final battle alone. One where surrender was the only way to ensure victory.
With this one last act, I could make it all right. Maisie would live again and everyone I loved would survive. They’d be better off without me around to complicate their lives and threaten their existence.
My consciousness disconnected from reality. That numbing distance that had served me so well in the past descended.
Adam, Giguhl, Nyx, and Tristan ignored the goddess’s demands for silence and surrounded me. Their mouths moved rapidly like they were yelling, but I couldn’t hear them. I placed a hand on Adam’s jaw. His eyes were red-rimmed and tears made the moss green of his eyes achingly beautiful.
If I died, he’d live.
Giguhl shouted at me. I could feel his hot breath on my face, but his words didn’t register. He looked ready to tear the Bone Palace down to its foundations to change my mind. I grabbed his claw in mine and felt the pressure of his pulse on my palms.If I died, he’d finally be free to live his own life.
Tristan pushed them out of the way and grabbed my chin. I felt the bite of his fingers in my skin. His expression was tense and his mouth moved more slowly, more deliberately. Probably, he was laying out a rational argument, but whether he was trying to convince me or dissuade me, I didn’t know. Didn’t care. I’d made up my mind.
I brushed past him like he was a ghost. My eyes were on my sister. Her head was bowed, as if she couldn’t stand to watch me struggle with this decision. She needn’t have worried.
I took a step toward Lilith, ready to give her my decision. But my arm was jerked roughly from behind. The momentum swung me around and pain cracked across my cheek.
The protective barrier I’d erected between me and reality evaporated. All the emotion and sensation I’d been buffered from hit me like a sonic boom. I staggered back from the weight of the oppressive pain and anger aimed at me.
“Don’t be a fucking fool!” Nyx screamed in my face. It had been her hand that slapped me out of my trance. “She’s tricking you!”
I shook my head to clear the fog of emotion. “What?”
“Aren’t you the one who always said the gods are fickle and can’t be trusted?”
I shook my head again. “This is different.”
Tristan stepped forward. “Is it?”
I threw up my hands. “Of course it is! Don’t you see? This is my chance to fix everything.”
Tristan shook his head sadly. “No, Sabina. Martyring yourself is never the solution. Remember back in the Bloodlands?” His hands tightened on my arms. “I was ready to martyr myself, too. You know why?”
“Because you were being noble.”
He shook his head. “No, I was being selfish.” My eyes widened in shock. “I’m tired, Sabina. Tired of struggling and scraping. Tired of being scared and unsure about every choice. Part of me felt that sacrificing myself was the right choice, but now I realize it was merely the easiest choice.”
“But look at me!” I held my hands out in a futile motion. “I’m weak and useless. What would I have to offer anyone now?”
“You magic and your strength were nice. But they didn’t make you who you are. Don’t you see? You were both things, but they were not you. What really matters is here.” He placed his hand over my heart. “You might be mortal now. You might feel defeated. But you, my daughter, have the heart of a warrior. That’s why all of us have followed you here. You have to stand and fight. And you have to let us help you.”
“I don’t feel strong. I’m terrified and unsure and part of me just wants to lie down and surrender.”
“Surrender?” Giguhl said. “The Sabina Kane I know doesn’t surrender. Ever.”
“Sabina.” Lilith’s shrill voice came from behind me. “Cain is at the bridge. You must make your decision quickly.”
I turned to face the Great Mother. Maisie still floated next to the goddess with her head lowered. But now I finally noticed the spectral tears falling in a pool under her feet.
“Red?” Adam called.
I turned back around, feeling torn between the male I loved and the sister whose blood ran through my veins.
“How many times have you tried to sacrifice yourself because you thought you knew what was best for us? Remember New Orleans when you ran off by yourself? How many times are your attempts at being a martyr going to fail before you realize you’re at your best when you ask for help?”
I cringed. That stupid decision had led to Adam and me getting captured by Lavinia and almost resulted in Adam’s death.
I thought back to the other times I’d tried to be noble, too. The word “martyr” had a familiar heft and taste. Self-righteousness combined with a hefty dose of self-loathing.
Was all this guilt I carried really just a way to shield myself from taking responsibility? I thought about all the deaths I blamed myself for.
“Yes, you’ve killed people. But the deaths you blame yourself for the most? They weren’t your fault.” He pointed across the room to my sister. “You didn’t kill Maisie—Cain did. You didn’t kill Vinca—that was Clovis’s doing.” He crossed his arms. “As much as you don’t want to admit this, you are as vulnerable to the vagaries of fate as the rest of us. But you’re so determined to control everyone and everything that you take the blame for every bad thing that happens. Lilith knows that and is using your doubt against you.”
“He’s right, Sabina,” Tristan said. “Do you know the real reason I never sought you and your sister out?”
I shook my head, too afraid of saying something that might make him change his mind about sharing the answer.
“I was afraid. Afraid that I was too broken after losing Phoebe to be a good father.”
I blinked, shocked to hear that this powerful mage had been terrified of facing his own daughters.
“But I realize now that removing myself from your lives only screwed things up more. You grew up alone and unprotected and Maisie grew up in my shadow, trying to live up to a bullshit legacy of being the daughter of a noble martyr.” His tone was full of self-loathing. “Don’t make the same mistake I made. I know you’re afraid. I know you don’t think you’re up to this battle. But you are. You know why?”