“I am annoying myself.”
“Well, have you thought about what really happened last night?”
“Are you kidding me? There’s nothing else on my damned mind.”
“No, I mean have you thought about it.”
“If your point is that I had to watch a young female die in front of me and that her loss is a tragic waste of life that I am apparently powerless to make right, yes, of course I have.”
Mary shook her head. “With all due respect, you’re missing my point. Last night, for the first time since Havers ended your relationship with the only blood you have, you were forced to rely on him for help. You couldn’t save the girl, so you had to turn to your brother and hope and pray he did the right thing for her.”
“He did, though.” Marissa released a hard curse. “I mean, he was amazing with her.”
“And how did that make you feel, considering how badly he treated you.”
Annnnnd cue more tears. “I did think of that. When I went to see her just before she died.”
“Here’s what I know to be true. We can bury the past all we like. We can use a hundred thousand distractions, some of which are healthy, some of which are not, to keep it under the ground—but when something isn’t processed, it will absolutely, positively come back and bite us on the ass. You had a hard life before you and Butch fell in love, and it was no doubt a huge relief to leave all of it behind and start fresh. But you can’t outrun what came before. Remember, Marissa, we are every age we have ever been at each moment in our lives. We carry it all with us like luggage. Sooner or later, the stuff with your brother was going to come up again. That’s just life.”
Marissa performed another re-blot under her eyes. “I’m having trouble connecting with Butch right now.”
“Of course you are. He’s the one who caused the break.”
Marissa recoiled. “Now, wait a minute, hold on—he has been nothing but good to me—”
“It’s not an issue of fault, Marissa. You were on one path, he came into your life, now you’re on another. I’m not judging him or even saying he did anything wrong—I’m just stating a fact.”
For some reason, she remembered staying wide awake while she let Butch sleep. That never would have happened even a year ago. “What do I do?”
“You’re not going to like what I have to say.”
“It feels like it can’t get worse.”
“You’re going to have to make peace with your brother.”
Marissa closed her eyes. “I will never be able to forgive him.”
“Making peace doesn’t mean you absolve him of his wrongdoing. And honestly, he isn’t the only one you need to come to terms with. The glymera treated you horribly, your position within the aristocracy was untenable, and Wrath was a royal shit—and I do mean that with love. You’ve got a tremendous amount of pain and rejection that you at first held in because it was the only way to survive, and then you put aside because you finally got a break and a chance to feel good in your own life.” Mary nodded at all the paperwork on the desk. “If you want to get back to being productive, you’re going to have to look under all those rocks, feel your feelings, and come out on the other side of that journey.”
Tissue number four came out of the box with a snap, but she didn’t end up using it. She just twisted the thing in her hands. “I don’t want to forget the girl. I don’t want this to be all about me.”
“No one says you have to stop trying to find out who she is or do right by her. Just don’t use that as an excuse to pack up all this dirty laundry and shove it back underground. That’s a short-term coping strategy that will not hold—and the next time this all comes up again—and it will—it’s going to be even harder, because you’ll relive all this with the girl, too. See, this is how people get paralyzed. They stuff and stuff and stuff, and the triggers keep coming and the layers continue to build until the load becomes too heavy, and they fold.”
Marissa kept twisting and untwisting the tissue. “You’re right.”
“I know.”
After a deep breath, Marissa looked across the desk. “Can I give you a hug?”
“Please! Are you kidding me?”
They both stood up and Marissa came around to embrace the smaller female. The hug she got in return was so strong and steady, she teared up all over again.
“You’re always there when I need you,” Marissa choked out. “I love you too much for words.”
“That’s what friends are for.” Mary pulled back. “And you’re going to do the same for me sometime.”
Marissa snorted and rolled her eyes. “Doubt that.”
“Trust me.”
“I’m too much of a mess.”
“No, you’re human.” Mary shook herself. “Sorry, term of art. You’re alive and you’re struggling and you’re beautiful inside and out—and I love you, too.”
“I’m still not sure what exactly to do next.”
“Think on it. It’ll come to you. Remember, forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting, hiding isn’t a long-term strategy, and distraction isn’t your friend. Hit this head-on—and know that I’ve got your back, ’kay?”
After the female left, Marissa went around to her office chair and sat down again. For some reason, her eyes fixated on the phone—the desk one, not her cell.