Absurdly, I could think of everything but a response. Calvin wasn't guarding the cabin doors. Were we safe? Did I want this?
Calvin kissed me harder, batting my pillow out of the way as he pinned me against the headboard. His hands seemed to be everywhere at once: rucking up my nightshirt, kneading the soft flesh at my hips, stroking my thighs. I sank back on my rear and drew my knees up, trying to slow him down long enough to think, but he laughed softly, interpreting the gesture the wrong way.
"Playing hard to get. I like that." He advanced on me, kissing me with a short, painful grind of his mouth. My heart beat faster, but it had nothing to do with excitement. The word "no" bubbled up in my throat.
Suddenly I saw Jude's dark eyes flash before mine. The image was so real, it was like he knelt in front of me, not Calvin.
I tore away as if I'd been shocked. Staring at Calvin, I wiped my mouth dry with the back of my hand. All traces of Jude had vanished, but I continued to blink anxiously at Calvin, terrified Jude's face would reappear. Did I feel him close by? Was that possible?
I cut my gaze to the door, half expecting to see Jude stride through it. Bizarrely, I almost hoped he did. He'd stop Calvin.
No. I flung the thought from my head with self-loathing. I did not want Jude. He was a criminal. A murderer. Thinking he cared about me was a lie.
Calvin grabbed for me with an impatient groan. "Don't make me stop now."
I scrabbled over the edge of the bed and landed on my feet. I wanted Calvin out of my room, and Jude out of my head. "No, Calvin,” I said firmly.
He reeled me roughly into his embrace. "I'll be a gentleman." His lips fumbled over mine.
"No."
My voice finally broke through his dreamy expression, and his face clouded with incomprehension. "You acted like you wanted this,” he said accusingly.
Had I? I'd invited him in, but I wanted to cuddle, to talk. I hadn't asked for this. "This isn't about your boyfriend, is it?" Calvin groaned, plowing his hands through his hair. "Everyone cheats in high school, Britt."
Like you cheated with Rachel? I wanted to ask.
"I won't tell,” he promised. "And you sure as hell won't tell. So where's the harm?"
It dawned on me that Calvin didn't realize Mason from the 7-Eleven wasn't my real boyfriend. Nor did he realize that that Mason was the same Mason, or Ace, who'd abducted Korbie and me. He'd missed that entire story unfolding.
Now wasn't the time to tell him. Calvin acting this way, jealous and scary, made me worry what he might try next. He'd killed Shaun. Lied about it. And now he was in my bedroom, pushing me further than I wanted. Being with him now felt different. Something had changed, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Except to say that in eight months, he seemed to have forgotten everything about me.
"You're not going to say anything?" Calvin said angrily. "You're kicking me out, just like that?"
"1 don't want to argue,” 1 said quietly.
Calvin rolled off my bed, his sharp green eyes studying me a few beats longer. "Sure, Britt, anything for you,” he said, in a bland voice that 1 interpreted as a little bit defeated, a little bit disappointed.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
I woke to a chilly draft. I'd forgotten to close the drapes before drifting off. Padding to the window, I tugged the knot loose on the tiebacks. Since I was up, I stood at the window a moment, peering watchfully at the woods. I wished I could pinpoint Jude in the vast darkness. He was out there somewhere, coming for me, I was sure of it.
An arched alcove led to a Jack-and-Jill bathroom I shared with Korbie, and I went to the sink to splash water on my face. My muscles were sore from the long, arduous hike to Idlewilde, and when I glanced at my reflection, I saw with alarm that I looked awful. My skin was as bleached as driftwood, and every bit as gray. Dark smudges ringed my eyes, and my hair, dull and matted, hadn't been washed in days.
Unnerved by the sight, I put my back to the mirror. I stood a moment on the cold tile floor, debating. Then I cracked the door leading to Korbie's bedroom. Leaving the lights off, I walked silently to stand over her bed. She slept on her stomach, her deep, rhythmic snoring partially muffled by her pillow. The urge to smooth her hair overcame me, but I knew Calvin would never forgive me if I woke her. Instead, I crawled into bed beside her and cried silently.
I'm so sorry, I thought at her. It was my idea to come to the mountains. I Never meant to hurt you. Not now, or when I dated Calvin. I wish I'd told you about us. It was wrong, to keep it a secret.
Calvin and I had dated for less than six months. Since I'd known him my whole life, and had been in love with him for most of it, I guess it felt longer than that. He had always been a part of my life, even when we weren't an official couple.
I'd wanted to make him happy, and that's why I'd agreed to keep our relationship secret. But deep down, it had hurt that he'd been unwilling to publicly call me his girlfriend. It had hurt too to lie to my friends, especially Korbie, especially since Calvin was her brother. To make myself feel better, I'd told myself that relationships were about compromise. I couldn't have everything I wanted. That was part of growing up and accepting that the world didn't revolve around me.
And then Korbie found out. It happened at her pool party, last summer. The same pool party where Calvin kissed Rachel. Calvin and I had agreed beforehand that we would treat the pool party like any other occasion. He'd hang out with his friends, and I'd hang out with mine. If our paths crossed, we'd acknowledge each other, the same as we'd done for years, but flirting of any kind was off-limits.
I bought a one-piece black swimsuit with side cutouts for the party. The other girls would be wearing bikinis, and I wanted to stand out. I knew Calvin would be watching. Before the party, I changed into the swimsuit in Korbie's bedroom, and the moment she saw it, I knew I'd picked the right one.
"Smokin',” she said, with that desirable mix of admiration and envy.
Korbie had invited me over an hour early to help her finish setting up, so we put on our cover-ups and headed for the kitchen. I told her I had to use the bathroom, but I slipped down the hall to Calvin's room. I grabbed a piece of paper from his printer and scribbled a quick note, one that I'd been editing in my head for hours. I hadn't come up with the perfect lines yet, but I was out of time.
Tonight, when you see me stroke my arm, it means I ’m thinking about you. And when you see me dip my toes in the pool, I ’m imagining we’re alone in the pool and I ’m sitting in your lap while you kiss me.
XO XO, Britt
Before I could chicken out, I folded the note, tucking it halfway under Calvin's pillow; then I hurried to meet Korbie in the kitchen.