Dr. Brown’s expression hardened. “What if he doesn’t want another baby?”
Claire’s heartbeat quickened. “He will,” she said confidently.
“You know my thoughts. First we need to take our time decreasing the medications, but as we do that, I recommend that you and your husband discuss the expansion of your family. I understand your desire to get off the medicine; however, that isn’t the only step to becoming pregnant.”
“I know,” Claire admitted. “I’m well aware of how it works.”
Dr. Brown looked at the clock in the corner of her computer screen. “My only concern is that you thoroughly consider the positive and negative consequences of this train of thought.”
“Oh, Dr. Brown, let me assure you, I’m thoroughly aware of consequences.”
LATER THAT NIGHT, Claire stood at the window in their master bedroom suite and gazed out over the darkened backyard.
Seven years.
She wasn’t sure why the thought hadn’t occurred to her until now, late at night on March 19th, but it hadn’t. Claire was glad she’d been busy talking to Dr. Brown about her medications, sex, and a baby. The thoughts that she was currently having were not ones she wanted to analyze. Heaven knows they’d been analyzed enough, by her, her doctors, therapists, family, Tony, his therapists, even the whole damn world. Maybe it was that Rawls-Nichols card that arrived today. Did the sender remember this date before Claire?
If she did, it didn’t narrow the list of suspected senders. The date, March 19, 2010, was well documented in both Meredith’s book and in court records.
As Claire looked out to the moonlit trees and beyond she couldn’t help but remember the same night seven years ago. The view before her wasn’t the same as the one she saw that night from her suite. Reaching for the handle to the glass door leading to their balcony, Claire fought the urge to open it, to assure that it would open. Slowly, she pulled her hand away. The door would open, just as the front door did or any other. Hell, she’d been to Cedar Rapids just today. Everything was different than it had been. The whole damn house was different, and yet it was the same. So many things had changed. Claire wished that some of her memories would be forgotten and gone forever.
The man she was currently married to was nothing like the man of seven years ago. She was different too. They’d both been through so much, too much. However, as Claire stared at the woods she knew that there would forever be triggers. She shook her head. Courtney was right. She even processed her own thoughts like her therapists. Dr. Brown called them that—triggers. They couldn’t be predicted. Although one would think the date would be a predictable annual trigger.
While she, Tony, and Nichol celebrated St. Patrick’s Day with green-frosted cookies and giggled about the way the frosting turned their tongues and teeth green, she had a fleeting thought of a St. Patrick’s Day seven years ago. That was it—just a thought.
Now, staring out onto the silver barren trees and feeling the cool glass, the memories were stronger. Maybe it was the fear she harbored about discontinuing her medications. Maybe it was the thought of having another child. Maybe it was her reality. The past would never fully go away.
Lost in those thoughts, Claire momentarily tensed as warm breath skirted her neck. Just as quickly, she relaxed against the solid chest behind her. “Penny for your thoughts,” his deep voice murmured near her ear.
Shaking her head, Claire swallowed. For a small sliver of time her thoughts had been dark: of dark eyes that threatened and demanded. It was a rabbit hole she refused to explore. Turning, she bravely looked up into those same eyes; however, the eyes before her were no longer hungry. They were dark with love and compassion, understanding and kinship. They were her drug of choice, the force that kept her grounded while allowing her to fly. Shaking her head, she replied, “I was just thinking. That’s all.” Her answer was neither a lie nor the truth.
Tony gently reached for her chin. “You’ve been quiet all night. How did your session with Dr. Brown go today?”
Lifting herself on the tips of her toes, Claire kissed Tony’s lips. The connection as they touched was the electricity she needed to jolt her back to her senses. The warmth traveled from her lips to her core confirming that the man who held her close was her other half, what she needed and wanted every day of her life. The two years they’d been apart had been hell. She wouldn’t allow that to ever happen again—she couldn’t.
Reaching for her shoulders, Tony eased Claire away and stared deep into her eyes. As much as she now loved his dark, penetrating gaze, it also scared her. Not that she feared him. She feared his knowledge of her, his ability to see deep into her soul like no one else. Quickly she diverted her eyes and leaned into his chest.
“We talked about my further decreasing my medications. Dr. Brown said the process needs to be monitored with blood work, but she said that if I think I’m ready, she’ll support me.”
His arms wrapped around her petite frame. “There’s no rush. Making sure you’re all right is most important. Maybe you should wait a while.”
Claire looked back up. “It’s what I want. I’m tired of the way they make me feel. I want to be me—totally me.”
“You are you,” Tony encouraged. “Listen to your doctor.”
“I am.” Claire’s neck stiffened and her tone dripped with her pent-up angst. “Talk to her if you want. She said it could be done. We just need to monitor everything. I’m not crazy,” she added defensively.