Dr. Brown nodded. “There’s nothing wrong with needing medication. Millions of people—”
“Yes, millions of people take anti-psychotic medications. The thing is I understand now what happened to me. I know that my mind couldn’t handle the reality that I’d lost my family forever, so I went away. But I didn’t lose them. I didn’t lose Nichol or Tony. I have them and I’m happy, really happy.”
“We’re doing tests, monitoring the levels. We’ve made a significant reduction. These are not medications that you can just stop. It’s a process.”
Claire nodded. “Can we cut the dosage again?”
“It appears you’re in a hurry. Is that true?”
Claire fidgeted with the cuff of her blouse’s sleeve. “No, I’m not.”
“All right, you’re not. Tell me what’s been going on. What have you been doing?”
“So much!” Her emerald eyes glistened. “I’ve learned one thing, well, I’ve learned a lot of things, but one thing is that every day is a gift. Nichol’s a gift. We missed so much time with her. I was afraid that it would never seem like we were truly a family, but it does.” She looked away from Dr. Brown’s knowing gaze. “I see the way Emily and John look at her sometimes. I know I shouldn’t feel jealous, but I do. They shared a part of her life that Tony and I’ll never have.”
“How does that make you feel to say you’re jealous?”
“Like I’m a terrible person. They helped Nichol and us. I should be grateful, not jealous, and now they’re having another baby.”
“When is your sister’s baby due?” Dr. Brown asked.
“In another month. We went shopping for clothes the other day.”
“And Emily is having a…?”
“A girl,” Claire confirmed. “They’re having a little girl, and they’re naming her after our grandmother Elizabeth.”
“How do you feel about Emily and John having a girl?”
“I’m happy. They’re excited and I’m excited for them. I can’t help but think that in some way she’s replacing Nichol. I don’t mean that in a bad way. But for over two years they had two children. Soon they will again.”
“Is Nichol replaceable?”
Claire’s eyes widened. “No! That’s not what I mean.” She stood and walked about the office, trying to collect her thoughts. “They were a family of four and now they will be again.”
“And that makes you feel..?”
Claire spun toward the doctor. “Happy for them, and maybe a little sad for me.”
“Help me understand.”
A tear teetered on Claire’s lid. “They’re getting their family back, the one they had with Nichol. Tony and I will never get that time back.” She dejectedly sat and let out a sigh. “That’s why I think we should cut my medications—not just cut but stop them.”
“Help me out. How does your sister’s baby relate to your medicines?” Dr. Brown leaned forward. “Before we continue to decrease and maybe even eliminate some of your medications—”
“Maybe eliminate?” Claire tried to clarify.
“Listen to me. I’d like you to be honest with yourself and with me. Why do you really want to be off the medication?”
Tears momentarily blurred Claire’s vision. “I know why.”
Dr. Brown didn’t speak; instead, she nodded.
“I want to be me. The medications keep me in the middle. Does that make sense?”
“Explain, Claire. Help me understand.”
Claire sat taller. “I feel happy and sad. I become aroused. But it’s all in moderation. I want the highs and lows I used to have. I don’t want to feel detached. It’s gotten a little better since you’ve made some adjustments. I want it to get all the way better.”
“Hmm. Those are valid requests. I know that from what you’ve told me you and your husband have had an intense past. Do you not feel like it’s the same?”
Claire shrugged. “It is and it isn’t. We’ve both been through a lot. We’ve changed. Our everyday life is everything I’d ever dreamt of. And yes, we’re physically compatible.”
“Well, physically compatible… that sounds sexually pleasing.”
Claire stood again, walked toward the side of the room, and pretended to look at the pictures she’d seen a million times.
“What is it, Claire?”
“I think the medicine makes it more difficult for me to…”
“To become aroused?” Dr. Brown suggested.
Claire nodded. “I think there’s something wrong with me. When we’re alone together, and Tony’s all sweet and loving, I’m not as into it as I am when he’s more possessive and demanding.” Claire turned toward Dr. Brown. “He’s not mean. I don’t mean that. I just like it when… jeez, I can’t believe I’m saying this.”
“What you’re feeling isn’t wrong. The medications you’ve been prescribed can affect arousal and sexual functioning; however, for you it appears more than that. Go on.”
“I like when we’re equal partners outside of the bedroom, but in it, I like when he’s in charge. I don’t want to need him to be that way. I want to be able to like the other times too.”
“Tell me about the other times.”