He grunted in response, unable to speak. Emotion had his throat closed up.
“So . . . I guess it’s a good time to give you the space you need,” she said. “I’ll talk to you after they’ve gone. How’s that?”
“That works,” he said. The light from the TV flickered, suddenly annoying him. He reached for the remote and turned it off. Darkness settled over him, and it was like a salve. “Enjoy their visit.”
“Logan.” Her voice was soft, tentative. “I feel like you’re . . . you’re not okay, and that’s not okay with me,” she said.
“I’ll be okay,” he said, even though he felt bone weary as he said it. “Just need to be alone for a bit. It’s my way.”
“All right. But if you change your mind, text or call me, all right?”
“Yeah. Talk to you soon.”
She hesitated. He could feel the desperation across the line, she wanted to help him somehow . . . and he wasn’t giving her an inch. She finally sighed. “Be good to yourself, honey. Talk to you soon.” And she ended the call.
He lay in the dark for a long time, trying to make sense of the chaos in his head and heart. There wasn’t any way, really. He just had to deal with what life had dealt.
He thought of his mother . . . his childhood with her, how she’d basically rescued him as a young adult, and her recent years of battling cancer. She’d been the one constant in his life, his rock. He thought himself to be a strong, self-sufficient man, but the thought of losing her had him down on his knees.
He thought of New Orleans . . . of Rachel, of school, of his time in the homeless shelters, of the kind, sad people he’d come across in his work, of the horrors of Katrina. His years there had so altered and shaped him and his life . . . he’d tried to be his best self, and ended up his worst self. Fighting for his soul, for his life. He’d had to leave it all behind in order to survive.
And he had. He thought of his return to Aspen, his quiet life here, how he’d modeled it into a safe existence. And it had been. He’d been doing fine. Or, he’d thought he was, not realizing he’d been mostly going through the motions. Until Tess, and their deal, had infused his life with color, music, and light.
He thought of Tess . . . of her warmth, beauty, and kindness, of how her body felt aligned with his, of the baby he was trying to give her. He wanted that for her.
But when he gave her that gift, when she had it, she would leave. And his mother was dying. And in the past, other people he’d cared about had died under his watch. He had no control over any of it, over anything.
He thought he’d gotten to a place of acceptance with that. It had taken years of hard work, but he truly had. Now, he felt like he’d been thrown back into the raging sea with barely a life jacket to keep him afloat as the waves kept knocking him around.
Tess was a lifeline. She sure had been last night, when he’d felt like he was drowning. It was an illusion. Because he’d fallen in love with her, and that . . . wasn’t going to work out, even if he wanted it to.
He knew she cared about him. He could feel it in every fiber of her being last night. But would she want him as anything beyond a friend? As a real partner, a lover? No. She’d made that very clear from the start. She wanted a baby, but not a husband. She wanted autonomy. He couldn’t change the rules now, she wouldn’t want that. And did he really want to change the rules? Living on his own was more than a code, it was his survival tactic. He couldn’t bear to risk putting himself out there and losing anyone again. What if the next time, he couldn’t get himself up off the ground again? His mom had saved him last time . . . She wouldn’t be around if it happened again, and right now he wasn’t sure if he had it in him to get back up on his own if his heart got shredded.
So he had to accept that this was how it was going to play out: Tess would be alone in New York, he’d be alone in Aspen. She’d have her baby. He’d have memories. She’d come to Aspen once in a while, they’d see each other, it’d be awkward . . . Fuck, he loved her. How could he ever settle for a glimpse of her a few days a year for the rest of their lives? Maybe he’d have to quit working for the Harrisons once she had her baby. It might be too much for him to see her after all.