He looks hurt.
Why are these words coming out of my mouth?
Who the hell am I right now?
“Stop,” he warns. “I’m doing the best I can to get by. I’m trying. I just need you to have a beer with me and not judge me.”
“I just ... I just hate it! Everything is going good and then she pops back up and we’re right back to square one. She doesn’t care about you, but you keep letting her affect you. I’m trying so hard here.”
“Stop, please.”
“I check on you, give you nice things, hang out with you, do everything just to see you smile and what does she do for you? What does she do? But she comes back in and we’re right back here again. You were my friend, then you told me you had feelings for me, then you gave me the flick, then the other night ... What the hell!”
He looks like I’ve slapped him. “You knew I was still in love with her when we were sleeping together. I told you that when we first met.”
“You told me you were over it!” I scream.
“I was fucking over it!” he roars back.
“No, you weren’t. You weren’t.”
“This is why I didn’t want anything more with you, Molly,” he barks. “I told you I wasn’t ready for anything serious, you agreed too. You knew it was just sex.”
His words hit me like a slap to the face.
Just. Sex.
“Thanks so much for making me feel like fucking nothing,” I whisper. “Just sex. I can’t believe you just said that.”
“That’s what it was,” he growls, frustrated. “You know it was. Back then, right at the start, that’s what it was.”
“You told me you had feelings for me,” I yell, tears breaking free and tumbling down my cheeks.
“I did develop feelings for you, but at the time, we were just having fun. We made that clear. You got attached too soon, Molly. I never lied to you. I told you I couldn’t give you anything right then, that I needed time.”
“You used me.”
“Fuck. Stop.”
“I thought we had something special here, I was wrong. I just give, give, give to you, Roman, and you just can’t fucking see the forest through the trees. You’re so wrapped up in that ... that woman, that you can’t see what’s right in front of you. I’m done. Fuck. This.”
“Stop it,” he says, looking like I’m ripping his heart out. “Just fucking stop.”
He stands, looking so angry.
“Leave me be,” he mumbles, disappearing inside.
“Fine,” I mutter to myself, turning and climbing back into my car.As soon as I get in, the tears burst forward.
I know I’ve fucked up.
I know it deep down in my chest.
What the hell did I just do?
CHAPTER 24
I’m a fool.
I’m a god damned fool.
There are literally no words to describe the horror I feel over my actions. I don’t know what the hell got into me. I let my own insecurities and hurt pour out and flood him, when he didn’t need it. When did I get so cold? So heartless? He was hurting, probably devastated at the realisation that it was truly over, and he needed me to just understand, but what did I do?
I made it about myself.
I fucked up in such a big way.
There is a moment in every person’s life when they realise that they’ve made a mistake that will ultimately make or break them. This moment is my mistake. For a small, horrible second, I let myself become someone I hate. I became worse than his ex, I became a selfish, ungrateful, unsupportive friend. I let him down when he needed me. I failed. I’m utterly ashamed of myself.
I should understand just how much it hurts to have your heart broken. Poor guy, it’s barely been a month and he’s been so strong about it, then I came crashing in and just fucked that all up. I made him feel guilty for having one moment, one moment in a month where he spoke to her. It’s not my damned business. God, no one could have told me not to talk to Michael when I was hurting.
The strength Roman has shown ... It’s incredible.
And I made him feel like nothing for it.
I stare down at my phone. I’ve thought about what I should say to make this better, but I just can’t think of the words. I have to go and see him, I have to pray he’ll accept my apology, I have to hope that I haven’t screwed up so badly that this will never get fixed. He’s the best person I know, I can’t believe I was so harsh.
It’s been a day, and I can only hope that’s enough time.
I climb into my car and take the drive over there. His car is there when I arrive, so with a deep, terrified breath, I climb out and walk up to his front door. I knock, and a moment later he appears. His eyes ... God, I’m such a horrible person. He looks tired. Worn.
“Can I come in?” I say softly.
He opens the door and lets me in. I walk over and sit down on the couch. He sits on the opposite one and stares at me, for a moment, neither of us speaks, then finally I muster up the courage to say the words that he needs to hear.
“I was wrong,” I begin, staring down at my hands. “I have never been so ashamed of myself in my entire life. Honestly, Roman, I was a terrible terrible person to you yesterday. What I did, the way I attacked you, it should have never happened. I had absolutely no right. I let my own insecurities and fears consume me and I spoke without thought. I acted without understanding how you might feel.”
My hands shake, so I press them together between my knees.
“It isn’t my business what you do and don’t do with her. It’s not my place. It’s not up to me to tell you that you can’t talk to her. Fact of the matter is, it was never my business. I let my feelings act for me, and for a small, horrible second of my life, I became worse than her. When you needed me, I wasn’t there; instead, I was making you feel worthless for something that wasn’t your fault. I’m so, so sorry.”
“It’s okay,” he says, his voice soft, husky. I look up and hold his eyes. “I shouldn’t have been such a prick to you, either. I just need you to let me get through this how I need to get through this, sometimes I’m going to have bad days like that, sometimes I might speak briefly to her, sometimes I’m going to fail, Molly. I’m trying my hardest. I do want to move on. I do want to get past this. I just needed you to be my friend yesterday, I just needed you.”