‘Life in a nutshell is challenging as well as charming,’ said Chandrika. ‘It’s as though the complexities of life are compounded in exogamous marriages. At times, it feels that the risk was worth taking, and on occasion, it seems it’s all a bad bargain. There would be depressing moments to go through as well as exciting events to gloat over.’
‘Save mine,’ said Roopa a little disappointed. ‘I suppose, that’s the way with most marriages.’
‘No way,’ said Chandrika in explanation, ‘inter-caste marriages would throw up myriad problems. We encounter sensitive situations and face peculiar pressures alien to the arranged unions. To make it worse, there are external factors that could upset our apple-carts. All of us have personal preferences steeped in our upbringing that are shaped by our respective communal ethos. In endogamous marriages, the commonality of cultural attitudes could limit the deviations in personal proclivities. But the exogamous marriages won’t have the in-built limit switches to keep the couple on course. We have to fend for ourselves in the pathless woods of personal prejudices. The spouses should be on guard always, lest some casual remark of one should hurt the communal sensitivities of the other. All this would only mean that one couldn’t be his or her natural self in a given situation. On the positive side, however, it makes us more responsive to others’ sensibilities.’
‘Now I can understand,’ said Roopa who was all ears for Chandrika.
‘Once we opt for an inter-caste marriage,’ Chandrika continued, ‘it’s as if we have burnt our bridges and cold-shouldered all shoulders to cry over. Unable to relieve ourselves from our pressures, we only help them build up to the breaking point. We cry in the privacy of our dwelling, afraid that the world would laugh at us if found wanting. Though it might provide a vent to the woman, it would invariably vex the man for that tends to suggest to him that it’s all his making. We develop a siege mentality and imagine everyone wants to see us fail. We feel as though the world doesn’t want us to succeed so as to make an example out of us for others to desist from venturing. All this puts pressure on us to make it right as though marriage is a task to be fulfilled. Forced to restrain ourselves, we interact selectively stalling our social integration.’
‘Don’t his people support you?’ Roopa asked with concern.
‘In a way yes,’ said Chandrika nostalgically, ‘but those who happen to come close to us tend to be a hindrance than of any help. If the wife were to be from an upper caste, then the man is congratulated, making her feel humiliated as a symbol of the caste conquest. Well, one should understand their psyche burdened by their collective humiliation occasioned by the age-old exploitation of their women by the men of the upper castes. Seen from their perspective, it’s as if one of their clan has in some way avenged for all of them by roping in an upper caste female for his cohabitation. If on the other hand, the marriage were to be morganatic, then they condescend to descend as though showing her place in the privileged setting. In subtle ways, the society, by and large, would ensure that we carry the cross with the odd-couple complex all along.’