Relief washes over me, but I try to ignore it.
“So you don’t feel the same way about him?” I ask carefully as I pull the car in front of the clubhouse.
Jacey sighs, staring into the night sky. “I wish I did. It would make things a lot easier. Brand would never hurt me. Not ever. He’d rather die. And that’s the kind of person that I need. Sometimes I feel like I should just be with him, that maybe I could grow into loving him like that. He’s definitely someone worthy of that kind of love. But then again, because he’s so worthy, he deserves more than I can give him.”
“I know that feeling,” I admit, and I’m startled when I say the words. Jacey stares at me, and her voice is hesitant.
“What does that mean?”
“It means that I find myself liking you… more and more each day. I don’t want to, because I know what happens when you open yourself up to someone. You get hurt. Or you hurt them. The world is full of people hurting each other, Jacey. And I don’t want to do that. Not anymore.”
I don’t know why I brought our conversation to this dark and serious place. What happened to acting casual and normal? But truthfully, deep down, I think I just can’t stand the inevitability of it all.
I can’t stand pretending that everything is fine when I know that one day, very soon, everything is going to implode.
Right now, even I can hear the emptiness in my voice, and Jacey hears it too.
She stares at me. “Who hurt you, Dom?” she asks gently. “Was it Emma?”
Like always, her name forms a vise around my heart. I close my eyes, refusing to answer.
“I know Emma hurt you,” Jacey continues, refusing to back down. “I don’t know how. But I know she did. You’ve got to open up about it, Dominic. If you don’t, it will eat at you forever.”
I open my eyes and stare at her bleakly. “It will eat at me forever anyway.”
“So you’re just going to keep closed off to be safe, then?” Jacey asks, and she sounds sad and distant. “I know that whatever happened with Emma has defined who you are, from your sex life to your career. It’s why you keep to yourself, why you’re so distant. You want to protect yourself by never opening yourself up again. You shouldn’t do that, Dom. It’s not healthy. I know from experience. Do you want to know how I know?”
She stares at me, waiting, so I finally nod.
“Today’s my birthday, and neither of my parents bothered to call me. No card, no call, no gift, not even a ‘Hey, we brought you into the world on this day twenty-four years ago, so have a good day.’ They didn’t contact me at all. That’s why Gabe came here… because he knew they wouldn’t. And just like always, he wanted to protect me from that. But he can’t. Because even though he came and it was awesome, it doesn’t take away the fact that they didn’t even call. But even though they’re horrible parents and they hurt me all the time, I know that I can’t close myself off. That would only end up hurting me, Dom.”
I feel bad for her, because honestly, I can’t imagine what it must be like to have parents who don’t give a shit. And even though Gabe clearly doesn’t like me much, I’m glad that he’s such a rock for his sister. Even still, I don’t know what parallel Jacey is trying to draw.
“What does that have to do with me?” I ask woodenly. “What point are you trying to prove? Are you trying to show me that your parents fucked you up, but you’re trying to get past it? Because good for you.”
Jacey shakes her head.
“I want you to see what I learned… because you need to learn it too. It’s taken me a while to learn it, and honestly, I’m still trying to deal with it all. But even though our situations are different and we react to our situations in different ways, we’re dealing with the same kind of pain.”
She pauses, and I stare at her dubiously.
“It’s true, Dom. People have hurt us. But the lesson for us both is that people will hurt us in life, and we just have to get over it. We have to keep going and keep opening ourselves up to people. Will we get hurt again? Maybe so. But maybe we won’t. Maybe we’ll end up with something real.”
I don’t say anything, so Jacey continues.
“If something doesn’t change, you’re going to end up sad and alone, Dominic. I don’t want that for you. It doesn’t have to be this way, you know. There’s something between us… and I know you can feel it too. We have the opportunity for something real, Dom, even though we’re pretending that we don’t. We really do.”
A sharp rap on the window interrupts her, interrupting the moment at the same time. A worker hands me the clipboard to sign out, and I scrawl my name. I fire my engine back up and drive toward Chicago and try to ignore my pounding heart.
There can be no more pretending now. Jacey just confronted things head-on.
We’re quiet now. Awkward. Tense.
I can feel Jacey staring at me from time to time, waiting for me to react to what she said, but I don’t say anything and she doesn’t either. As I pull up to the curb, I make no motion to get out.
“I’m sorry,” I tell her tersely. “I can’t do this right now. I’m tired. Good night, Jacey.”
I’m once again trying to delay the inevitable.
She starts to get out, but pauses, looking into my face. With a cool hand, she traces my cheekbone, and I fight the urge to close my eyes and lean into her hand. But I don’t. I remain rigidly in my own seat.
“Dom, if you ever want to talk about it, I’m here,” she says quietly. “I’ll never breathe a word to anyone, I’ll just listen.”
Her face is so sincere, so genuine… it’s all I can do to remember to breathe. She doesn’t ask for anything, she’s just concerned about me.
“Thanks for the offer,” I tell her. “But…”
“I know,” she interrupts. “But you’ll pass. Why don’t you come in, Dom? We don’t have to talk. We can just watch a movie or something. I don’t want you to be alone.”
I don’t bother telling her that I’m always alone, even when I’m surrounded by people. Instead, I just shake my head.
“Not tonight. I think I’ll just go. Happy birthday, Jacey. I’m glad you got to see your brother.”
Jacey hesitates, then gets out, closing the car door. She stands there, gorgeous and quiet in the night. As I stare at her, I know what I have to do. I swallow hard. If I don’t do it now, it will be too late and I’ll have crushed her.