However, it has come to our attention that there is a small safety “glitch” with the Git R Done 447, which might cause it too fire too soon or even randomly, accidentally killing someone you love. Awkward, we know. That’s why we are issuing a voluntary recall of the Git R Done 447 Personal Safety® handgun. Issuing this voluntary recall shows how much we care, and it is hard to dislike or take legal action against those who really care.
CUT TO: Image of the Git R Done 447 with a red circle and line through it.
VO, CONT’D
If you purchased a Git R Done 447, please do not fire the weapon. Do not exhale or laugh within a five-foot radius of the 447. Instead, go to our online fulfillment center at www.thecorporation.com/gitrdone. Type in code OHCRAP447 and you will receive a discount on the purchase of The Corporation’s Home Weapon Containment Robot. Once the Robot has successfully disassembled the Git R Done 447, simply mail it to The Corporation and you will receive Corporation credit coupons, which you may use for ordering any of our many fine products.
CUT TO: Shot of Corporation employees waving
VO, CONT’D
As always, we at The Corporation are committed to making your lives better, safer, and happier. You’re welcome, and have a nice day.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
“All right, Teen Dreamers. Let’s take stock of everything we have.” Taylor marched before the line of sleepy beauty queens, inspecting them drill sergeant–style. “Miss Nebraska, what are the island’s natural resources, please? Report.”
Mary Lou scratched at a bite on her leg with the toes of her other foot, holding on to Adina for balance. “Um, trees. Plants. Grubs. Fish. Coconuts. Water. Mud. That’s all I can think of right now.”
“Very good. Miss New Mexico, what salvaged materials do we have from the plane?”
Miss New Mexico listed things off, using her fingers to keep count. “Some teeth-bleaching trays, padded bras, three safety razors, bobby pins, thongs, the jars of Lady ’Stache Off and the radio Jennifer and Sosie found, the hot roller sets, two straightening irons, bathing suits, assorted shoes, some makeup, and a few evening gowns, including that unholy beaded green thing over there.”
“That was Miss Massachusetts’s, I think,” Brittani said.
Petra smirked. “Maybe it wasn’t the plane crash that killed her. Maybe she actually saw herself in that dress.”
“Let’s not speak ill of the dead, no matter how hideous their fashion sense,” Taylor instructed. “All right, Teen Dreamers. These are our tools. Starting today, we are adding a new survival skills portion to our pageant. I want you to treat this with the seriousness you would your other duties, like tanning and exfoliation. You need to wow the judges. Think about what you can make with what we’ve got.”
“It’s like an episode of Design This!21 All we need is Roger Piston to come in and say, ‘Do your magic!’” Miss Montana said.
“I’m turning our program over to Miss California and Miss Colorado. Please give them the same attention you would the makeup artist showing you how to contour your nose and make your lips look bigger under the lights, which I never have to do as my lips are in perfect proportion to my face.”
Shanti and Nicole stood side by side, but they’d left plenty of space between them. Nicole’s arms were crossed.
Shanti cleared her throat. “The first thing —”
“Who said you were first?” Nicole interrupted.
“Do you want to go first?”
“No. But it’s nice to be asked. Go ahead.”
“The first thing we really need to do is make sure we have drinking water.”
“I forgot — why can’t we just drink the ocean water?” Tiara asked.
“Because people pee in there all the time,” Brittani explained with assurance.
“Also, the bloat,” Miss Ohio chimed in. “I retain like crazy.”
“No,” Shanti said. “It’s because if you drink salt water, you’ll get sick. Drink enough and you’ll die.”
Tiara raised her hand. “But will you still be bloated?”
Shanti ignored her. “It’s a tropical climate, so we get some rain every day. We can make a tarp out of Miss Massachusetts’s ugly evening gown to collect that rainwater to drink.”
Miss Montana made a face. “Ew. That is so hurl.”
“Actually, so hurl is the way you look when you die of dehydration.”
Shanti explained the mechanics of the plan and the girls set to work. It was an intricate system of weights and counterweights. But the engineering was best-case scenario, and their meager resources were worst-case. Nothing was working and the girls soon grew frustrated.