“I said I’d like a spot of tea while I get snookered,” I giggle.
“Why do you have a British accent? Charlotte, why does she have a British accent?” Ava asks, looking away from me to question our sober sister.
Charlotte shrugs. “It appears our sister turns British when she gets drunk.”
“Oh, are you guys talking about foreign languages?” Aunt Jenny asks as she stumbles over to us, drinking the last bit of martini from her glass before smacking it down on the bar behind me.
“I don’t get why we can’t just all speak American,” She complains. “You’ve got British and Alaskan and Canadian and Texan…why do we need all these different languages mucking everything up?”
Charlotte puts her arm around Aunt Jenny and gives her a squeeze. “Oh, Aunt Jenny. You always know how to make me feel like the smartest person in the room.”
Aunt Jenny beams at Charlotte and gives her a sloppy kiss on the cheek. “I love you too, Charlotte!”
The three of us watch her stumble over to Grandma and get on top of the coffee table with her.
“Alright, back to the important matter at hand,” Ava says, turning back to face me. “What did you say to Marco? Did you text him what I told you to?”
I pull my phone out of my back pocket and hand it to her without a word. She presses a few buttons and her eyes widen in shock.
“You asked him for a picture of his penis?!” she shouts.
“I tried to do what you said and tell him to come up here because I got us a hotel room, but I couldn’t figure out how to type all those words,” I tell her with a shrug.
“Did he send the picture? Let me see!”
Charlotte leans over Ava’s shoulder and we both stare at her.
“What? I’m getting married, I’m not dead. Marco is hot and I’m sure he has an equally hot penis,” Charlotte explains.
“Sorry, no Italian sausage for you tonight, Char. But he did send a close-up picture of a bloody lip, which is a little confusing,” Ava tells us, turning the phone around for me to see.
“Shit. Did dad beat up his face?!” I yell, trying not to sway so I can get a better look at the photo. “Oh, no. His poor, pretty face. I really like that face.”
Ava turns the phone back around and starts rapidly punching buttons.
“What are you doing? Are you telling him to send the picture penis again?” I ask, leaning forward to see what she’s typing.
“Forget about the penis picture, you drunk slut. I’m doing what you were supposed to do and telling him to come up to the hotel.”
My phone makes a whooshing sound, signaling that she sent it. She sets it down on the counter and walks around the bar, grabbing a glass from one of the cupboards and filling it up with water. She slides it across the counter to me and points at it.
“Chug it. Time to sober up, bitch.”
I grab the glass and drink, half of it dribbling down my chin.
“I don’t think this is a good idea. Should she really try and seduce him when she’s drunk?” Charlotte asks as I slam the empty glass down and ask for a refill.
“She needs to be a little drunk or she’ll chicken out. Some liquid courage is always good the first time you touch a penis,” Ava announces, sliding another full glass of water towards me.
“Hey, I’ve touched a penis before. It was the size of a piece of Pez candy, but it was still a living, breathing penis,” I inform them, bringing the glass up to my mouth.
“That doesn’t count. Quinn yanked your hand away as soon as you touched it. Haven’t I always told you guys that it’s never a good idea to have sex with a virgin?” Ava sighs. “They’re so wound up with years of pent-up sperm they’ll blow their load if the wind changes direction. Always go with someone who has experience.”
The water starts churning in my stomach and I quickly put the glass down.
“Marco has experience,” I whisper nervously. “And he’s older. He knows what he’s doing, and I’ve only touched a Pez Penis. What the fuck am I doing?!”
Charlotte smacks my cheek, grabs both of my arms, and turns me to face her. “Snap out of it, woman! There is no instruction manual for this shit. No one knows what they’re doing. You just go with the flow and do what feels right.”
I nod even though everything she’s saying just makes me more nervous. Why isn’t there an instruction manual? Sex For Partial Virgins 101.
The ding of my cell phone sounds from the counter, and I watch as Ava picks it up and smiles.
“Buckle up, slut. There’s a penis with your name on it headed this way. He was already headed down here to see if you needed rescuing so he’s right around the corner. There’s also a partially melted bag of frozen peas and a raw steak coming as well, whatever that means,” Ava states. “I really hope Uncle Drew hasn’t been teaching him anything weird tonight.”
My eyes widen and I whip my head back to face Charlotte.
“What if he wants to have sex with the steak? What if he wants to use the peas on me? Is that a thing? Like some sort of tiny Ben Wa balls or something?” I ask her in a panic. “I knew I never should have left him alone with Uncle Drew! Now he’s got ideas. Weird, kinky ideas that involve frozen food and I don’t know how to have regular sex, let alone frozen food sex!”
My scalp starts to get itchy and sweaty and I can’t remember if I put on deodorant before I left the house. At least I put on good underwear.
“Speaking of Ben Wa balls, did you hear Aunt Jenny had to go to the emergency room AGAIN last week because she got them stuck up in her?” Ava laughs. “Uncle Drew asked if they could have their own parking space. I guess after the nurses spent so much time watching Aunt Jenny waddle across the parking lot while doing lunges, the doctor submitted the request to the hospital board for safety reasons.”
I whimper and my lip starts to quiver.
“I don’t want to go to the emergency room because frozen peas get stuck in my vagina!” I wail.
“Oh, for the love of God,” Charlotte mutters. “Ava, stop freaking her out. Molly, no one’s putting frozen peas up your who-ha. No one says you have to have sex with him tonight. You two need to be alone. Maybe start with something simple. Get to know his penis. See what he likes and take it slow.”
I look at Ava to see if she agrees and find her nodding in approval.
“Slow is good. Try a blowjob. It’s pretty impossible to screw those up. As long as your mouth is on his dick, he’s not going to care about anything else.”
Okay, I can do this. I can put my mouth on a penis. I’ve seen porn and I know how it’s done. In theory.
“Why is it called a blowjob? Don’t you just suck on it? There’s no blowing involved, right?” I ask.
“Since you’re a beginner, just stick with the sucking for now. When you graduate to the advanced class, we’ll discuss the use of popsicles and lube that heats up when you blow on it. For now, just focus on the basics. Lips, tongue, penis, suck. The end,” Ava explains.
“Lips, tongue, penis, suck,” I repeat.
“I thought it was lick, slam, suck?” Grandma asks, dancing by us again and overhearing what I said. “Have I been doing tequila shots wrong tonight?”
She turns away from us when the hotel door opens and my mom and Aunt Claire walk back inside.
“Girls, you didn’t send those strippers away, did you?” Grandma shouts across the room. “I need to borrow one of those boy’s wieners to lips, tongue, penis and suck with my next tequila shot. I guess that’s what the kids are doing these days.”
There’s a loud knock at the door, saving mom and Aunt Claire from trying to respond to Grandma. Aunt Claire moves to the side while my mom opens the door, holding it wide so Marco can come in.
“Oooooh, forget the stripper! I’ll use his penis!” Grandma announces.