Chapter 16
I have been standing on the back deck watching Axel flip the steaks on the grill and enjoying the view for the last ten minutes. If I hadn’t understood what motivated him to buy this large waste of space before, it is all clear now while I look out at the vast sparkling water his house sits on the shore of, I got it.
He has a very large deck, with of course no furniture or seating, but he does have one large gleaming grill. There is a nice sized grassy patch of yard before you meet the pebbled path to the dock. And then you have the lake. There are no other houses that I can see. Just woods and a lot of water. It is absolutely stunning.
“You almost ready to eat, babe?” He asks, coming up behind me and handing me a glass of wine.
I look over my shoulder and just drink him in. He is still naked from the waist up and his sweats are riding low on his hips. The sexy V that disappears beneath the material makes my mouth water. His abs clench and he growls low in his throat.
“Stop, Izzy. Stop right fucking now or I will take you right here on the fucking porch.”
“Sorry Ax, but you did ask if I was ready to eat.” I tease.
“Shit!” He throws his hands up and walks over to the grill. I laugh and turn back to enjoy the view while he grumbles behind me about me needing to keep my sexy fucking mouth closed.
We continue in a comfortable silence while he finishes up the grilling and I finish my reflecting. I follow his lead back into the house, plate the juicy steaks, baked potatoes, peppers and onions bringing them over to the bar and sit on the only pieces of furniture he owns in the kitchen. Bar stools.
“Axel, you have got to see about getting some life in this house. Besides your bedroom, your lacking bedroom, the only things I have seen are these stools, your mammoth TV and one recliner.” I point my fork at him after taking in a piece of this delicious steak. I moan over the succulent taste that explodes in my mouth before I’m able to continue. “You can’t buy a house this big without something to take up some space.”
I look up and meet his eyes after I notice the silence that follows my observations. Oops. Maybe I overstepped. I mean, this isn’t my house and it really isn’t my business. Blushing, I put my fork down and stare at my hands in my lap.
“Why are you doing that?” He questions.
“Doing what?” I hedge.
“Acting like you’re ashamed for asking something, even if you are being a nosy little brat.” His tone is light, teasing.
“I—I don’t know?”
“Can’t fool me with that question bullshit either, Izzy. You forget I know you. Might have been years since I’ve had you, but I know you.”
Sighing I look up in to his eyes. He doesn’t look mad, just confused. His gaze is searching. “It’s not something I do consciously. You have to understand, Axel; I can’t turn off years of conditioning. I have lived a certain way for so long, that sometimes I just kind of fall back into the old me. Well, I mean the old me after you.”
“I can understand that, I can, but what I can’t understand is why you seem to be afraid of me sometimes. A lot has happened but you know, you have to know, I would never fucking hurt you.”
“No, you wouldn’t hurt me physically. I know that.” I reply as I look back down at my hands.
“Izzy? What do you mean by that? Did we not decide that this is happening? I get you’re scared but hear me, really hear me; I am NOT going to hurt you. There isn’t one goddamn thing that will tear us apart again. Lost too much time already, Princess. Too much time that I should have had you right here in my arms.” He reaches over and pulls me into his lap. He has one arm around my back and the other across my lap. He takes one of my hands in his own before continuing. “There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t miss this, right here. I spent so much time, so much fucking time thinking you were happy; thinking that you were better off without me. God, baby…” He trails off and brings his hand up to cup my face, bringing my eyes level with his. “It’s killed me every day since you walked back into my life, knowing I could have done something to save you from that bastard.”
I’m beyond confused right now. What is he talking about, he thought I was happy? And like a bolt of lightning it hits me.
“You knew where I was?” I ask, and I can’t stop the bite of anger that colors my tone.
“Not for a few years. I finally found you right after you had gotten married.” He says and the pain in his eyes is heart stopping.
“What?” I whisper softy.
He brings his finger up and brushes against my furrowed brow, sliding down the bridge of my nose and tracing along the line of my lips. He takes my chin in his strong hand; he brings my mouth closer to his and places a soft kiss against me. “Baby, I looked for you. Searched for you; every single chance I had for almost four years. I followed every limited lead there was but they never gave me anything to go on. Not a fucking thing. I know about your mom and dad, and baby I know that was hard and I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help you through that but why? Why didn’t you tell me where you were going? You have to know I would have come for you.” This big strong man is letting me in and letting me see the pain he has felt all these years ago. I can’t stop the tears even if I wanted to. I tried, lord I tried, but knowing the depths he went through to track me down washes through me and breaks what little thread of sanity I have left. My temper is set on a simmer now.
“I had just enough time when I got back home for my leave to find out about them and that you were gone. No one knew where your grandparents lived. The best I got was that you were in some small town in the Carolinas and no one knew which one. It wasn’t for lack of trying, Princess, please understand that. I just didn’t have the resources or the time to track you down. It got to the point where I started to feel like if you wanted to be found, you would let me know. Hell, a bread crumb trail, flares, bat signal…I would have taken any of that.”
His attempt at humor misses the mark. I try to take in all this new information, all these facts that I haven’t once considered over the years. He wanted to find me? How is that? I had left my address with June. She knew I wanted him to find me, she knew I was waiting on him. I can’t stand the anger that is slowly burning through my body. That fucking bitch!
“June!” I bark, getting off his lap and pacing around the large empty space of his kitchen. I turn back to look at him and notice the confused look blanketing his handsome face. I rush to explain, “That bitch, June. I gave her everything Axel, every-fucking-thing that you would need to find me. My grandparents address in North Carolina, their phone numbers and I wrote letters, so many fucking letters. When the ones to the base started coming back I started writing them to June’s house. I figured if there was any way for you to get them, it would be when you came home. Oh my God, Ax! All this time. All this fucking time. You have no clue, no fucking clue what that bitch kept from us, what she told me.” My fury is a palpable thing. Filling the room with its thickness and completely eclipsing the sadness that had preceded it. I am forced to stop my frantic pacing, when I feel the unyielding bands of Axel’s hands close around my biceps.
“Princess, stop.” He says softly, pulling my back to his chest and closing his arms over my chest. “I can’t fix this if you don’t tell me what has you freaked out.”
I pull out of his hold and turn around to look into his eyes. I have to look into his eyes. Be able to judge where his mind is right now.
The only thing I see is confusion and maybe, hopefully, a little love.
“Do you have any idea how much I needed you? When my parents died you were the only thing that would take that pain away, but you weren’t there. I was okay with that, please know I never would hold that against you.” I rush to explain when I see the look that crosses his face. “I was so proud of you, Axel. Not a day went by, even through all that pain, that I wasn’t so proud of you.” He reaches up and brushes the tear that leaks from my eye. “I had so much going on the week after they died. I was hurting, lost, alone…I felt completely adrift with no anchor. Gram and Pop, they were good people and they loved me but they lost too and suddenly had a depressed teenager to deal with. Sometimes I wonder if they just didn’t know what to do with me, but they tried. I had a week. One week to pack my things up and leave. Pops couldn’t leave things back home for too long and Gram didn’t want to be away. She hated traveling, that’s why you never met her.”
I walk away from him and over to the window that faces the lake, now dark with the soft glow of the moon reflecting in its rippling water. “I made sure I ran by June’s to bring her everything you would need. I didn’t know who else to give it to. You hadn’t been gone long enough to let me know how to contact you. The only thing I had was the base you were going to be stationed at,” A sob tears up my throat and interrupts my retelling, “I—I w-w-as so st-stupid.” I cry.
I turn around to face him and find him right behind me, arms stretched wide and waiting. I rush into his hold and let my sadness flow. I let him be my rock, the rock I have needed for so long.
I bring my arms around his back, pull him as close as I can get. I feel his lips against my hair, his chest rising and falling rapidly and his heart racing beneath my ear.
“Baby…Jesus. I wish I would have known. I wish I would have been there. You’re killing me, fucking slicing me open right now. Look at me, Izzy.” He says leaving no room for argument.
I look up into his pleading eyes. “I would have dropped everything to save you from any ounce of pain. If it is within my reach to do that now, know that I will never fucking let pain touch your heart, baby. It kills me to know how easy it was for the world to rip us apart. For years baby, I have spent years thinking you left me. That you chose to leave me. God…” He trails off and leans down to capture my lips. This kiss is like nothing we have shared since coming back to us. This kiss is full of the sadness that of what we have lost but with the promise of what we will have. His lips make love to mine.
“Not one day went by Izzy that my heart didn’t belong to you. To this day there has only been one woman that has and will ever hold it. Fuck, baby but the love I have for you is so fucking strong sometimes, I wonder if it will crush me.” He whispers when he breaks the kiss to pull me tightly against his chest.
I still with his words. Love? I know how I feel about him but the shock of hearing him say it to me is overwhelming. He can’t love me. Not yet, not without knowing everything.
Small panic bubbles up but I quickly squash it. I have to be strong. I have to be strong for him because after this, I don’t know how he will feel.
I press my hands against his chest and give a small shove. He looks down at me, confused that I’m pushing him away instead of pulling him closer. Or maybe the shock is because I didn’t return his sentiments.
Oh, if he only knew the love that burns for him.
“I didn’t finish Ax. You have to let me finish.” I desperately say, resuming my pacing just out of his reach.