I took a deep breath and nodded. She hadn’t implied as much, but that same protectiveness had gotten him into trouble with me. His overprotectiveness combined with my stubborn independence had made a near-lethal combination for our relationship. I wondered if we could learn from that mistake and overcome those failings. Or were those shortcomings so inherent to our characters that we were doomed to fail regardless?
Britt must have seen the struggle on my face because she put a comforting hand over mine. “Adam is one hell of an awesome guy. And I don’t just say that because he’s family. I know you two have had a rocky road. And I know that this is probably putting a strain on that, but you know what? I’ve never seen him happier, Mia, than since he’s been with you. You two were clearly meant for each other.”
I’d believed that too, once. I cleared my throat of the prickly tears that unexpectedly rose up. It was so frustrating. I was always shamefully close to tears and had been for months. It was almost as if my body and emotions were acting as if I was still pregnant. I bent my head and rubbed my forehead and tried to think of something else so I wouldn’t make a fool out of myself in front of her.
“I don’t want to lose him…” The shaky words slipped out unexpectedly. I was angry with myself the moment they were out of my mouth. On some level, I almost felt like I deserved to lose him.
“You don’t have to worry about that and I think he’d be upset to find out that you were. I think he’d rather you concentrate on getting better.”
He’d said as much—over and over again.
“In fact, you should make that your birthday present to him, since it’s in a few weeks.”
I smiled. “I’m working on it. And since I have no idea what to get him, I guess that’s as good an idea as any.”
She leaned forward and gave me a tight hug. “I think we’d all be delighted with that. Not just him.”
And I wanted nothing more than to give that to all of them. But cancer was cancer. I had as much control in overcoming it as any other disease, like diabetes or polio or even the flu. It happened. Shit happened. And even though the feelings of unworthiness for all of my many flaws tended to weigh me down, I was slowly realizing that this hadn’t happened to me because I’d been unworthy or hadn’t deserved to be healthy.
The blame for other things still sat squarely on my shoulders , but the guilt for this was fading away and making things just a tiny bit lighter. And for that I was grateful.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Adam
I spent about a half hour with Jordan signing paperwork and going over some details on our pet project when he finally stopped, sat back and rubbed his eyes. “Heard you had a scare the other day. She looks like she’s doing a lot better now.”
“She is, thanks.”
“What’s with the dance lessons? Trying to keep her mind off of things?”
“Ahh.” I sat back, rubbing the back of my neck. “Actually it has to do with her bucket list.”
Jordan looked surprised. “She made a bucket list?”
I tightened my jaw and then released it. “Yeah, she wasn’t doing very well at all. I think she thought she wasn’t going to make it. She’s been kind of down lately so I thought this might be something to get her mind off of things.”
He frowned. “So like, what else does she have on her list?”
“Oh, I don’t know something about the Northern Lights and doing volunteer medical work and the Eiffel Tower.”
“The Eiffel Tower?”
“Yeah, you know, the one in France?”
He gave me a look. “As opposed to all the other Eiffel Towers out there.”
I shrugged and gave him a grin. I liked yanking Jordan’s chain sometimes. Someone had to do it.
“So like, she’s never been there? To France?”
“No. We hadn’t gotten around to that yet.”
“Yeah, I get it. Maybe soon, though?”
“When she’s better…definitely.”
“But if you wait til then, you might not be able to take advantage of the benefits from it. You said she’s been pretty down lately. What if you took her in a private plane?”
I hesitated. I knew that he had his epic trip to Paris planned. He’d been working on it since the fall. “What, are you going to let us hitch a ride on your chartered Leer?” I said. It was a little bit insulting. I could afford the extravagance far easier than he could.
“No,” he said, thoughtfully rubbing his goatee with a thumb. “No, I think you should just take the whole trip.”