“Tomorrow?” he asked.
I nodded.
He sighed. “Okay.”
I felt cold inside. Numb. Why should I feel guilty for trying to save my own life? I couldn’t answer that question. Part of me wanted to shrivel up and die right there. Part of me, a larger part, was gearing up for the epic battle ahead.
“I need you,” I said. “I need your help.”
He put his hand to my face, cupped my cheek. “I’m here. I’ll always be here.” I fell against him and he pulled me to him. I closed my eyes and tried not to think about the part of me that was curled up and rocking in the corner, already wanting to weep with the loss we were about to face.
Chapter Six
Adam
Emilia spent the rest of New Year’s Day in her room at Heath’s after I dropped her off. Connor, Heath’s new boyfriend, was there and they were on the couch watching Sherlock. I stayed for a few minutes to trade pleasantries with them. Things between Heath and me were still tense. I was pissed at him for helping Emilia keep her secrets. He was pissed at me for getting her pregnant.
It would blow over, maybe, eventually. I hoped it would, because I liked Heath. Nevertheless, I did plan on depriving him of his roommate. I’d have to discuss living arrangements with Emilia soon. Once things settled down, I was going to make a good case for her to come back and live with me. I needed her near, needed to know she would be okay. I needed to take care of her.
But for now I needed to give her some time alone. She’d made an agonizing decision and though I was so relieved I couldn’t even think straight, I knew she must also be dealing with a lot of doubt and self-loathing. I hoped it wouldn’t last long. She needed all of her strength, all of her fight to face what lay ahead.
I followed her into her room. “So…should I come get you tomorrow morning?”
Emilia was picking up discarded clothes from the floor and throwing them into a laundry bag, apologizing for the mess.
She cleared her throat. “Yes…I’ll have to make an appointment.”
“I…uh…I already did, after we talked this morning.”
She straightened and looked at me for a long, tense moment.
I shifted weight on my legs where I stood. “Are you—are you okay with that?”
Her mouth thinned for a moment and she took a deep breath before releasing it.
“You can’t just do that…”
I froze. Damn it… I’d fucked up again. I ran a hand through my hair. “I’m sorry. I didn’t even think about it. I was trying to be—I wanted to save you the trouble of having to do that. I know how hard this is for you…or at least I’m trying to understand how hard it is.”
She frowned and then bent to sit on the bed and didn’t say anything. Then she patted the spot next to her. Slowly I sat down beside her.
She looked up at me, grim-faced. “We can’t keep doing this—making the same mistakes over and over again. I know you meant well. I know you were trying to help…but look at this from my point of view. It looks like you were jumping on the situation and making that appointment so quickly because you were afraid I would change my mind.”
I swallowed. Maybe that thought had been in the back of my mind, too, but it wasn’t the reason I’d done it. “I’m sorry. I fucked up.” Then I took a deep breath and let it out. My throat tightened. “You can, you know…”
She tilted her head to the side a question in her eyes.
Fear made my heart feel like it was spearing my chest with every painful beat. “You can change your mind.”
She blinked, looked away. “Either way I choose, there’s somebody’s gaze I won’t be able to meet—either all of yours or my own, in the mirror.”
I needed for her to do this—we all did—and so, giving her that out was all I could do. And yes, I’d said those words because I’d had to—because I had no idea what it must feel like to be in her position.
“You’re strong, Mia. You’ll get through this and I’ll be with you every step of the way, if you want me…”
Her eyes remained drenched in misery, but a faint smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. Her head sank to my shoulder. “Yes, I want you…”
I closed my eyes, turned my head, smelled her hair, that peaches-and-vanilla scent which overwhelmed my senses. This rush of protectiveness washed over me, infusing every muscle. But no matter how much I vowed to watch over her, I was helpless to protect her from the greatest threat of all.