“How go the wedding plans?”
He smiled. “Great, for me. I don’t have to do anything. Britt’s handling stuff on this end and Kim and Mia are doing the other stuff from theirs. I just have to show up with a wedding gift and a ring.”
“Sounds like a great deal to me.”
Peter cast a sidelong glance at me as he sipped again. “You doing okay?”
I put the beer down, resting my elbows on the counter. “Kinda.”
“So…I know things are delicate right now with you two. Kim and I are a little worried.”
I knew what that meant. They were a lot worried. In a lot of ways, their future happiness as a married couple was dependent upon how well Emilia and I could manage our relationship. Things could get messy for them very quickly if the two of us couldn’t get along, considering how close our family relationships were now.
“That makes a lot of worried people, then,” I said.
“I’ve also been worried about you. I know in cases like these, the person with the medical problems gets most of the attention—and rightly so. But sometimes it’s hard to be the silent partner who has to keep it all together for the sick one.”
I shrugged. “I didn’t mind that. It’s one of the rare few times she actually accepted any help from anyone.” And I cut myself off after that sentence, punctuating it with a long pull of beer because I hated the acid tone of my voice when it came out. It was getting harder and harder to hide the bitterness.
But he’d heard it and, like the sharp man that I knew he was, zeroed in on it like I was a witness he was cross-examining in court. “That’s the other difficulty…to deal with and stockpile the rightful resentment you’ve felt all these months. And you can’t express the anger when the person you are angry with is so sick.”
I cleared my throat. It felt tight with my own shame. I looked straight ahead, my hand opening and closing on the table in front of me.
He put a hand on my shoulder. “Don’t be so hard on yourself for feeling that way. You’re human. Your feelings were hurt pretty badly. You have a right to those feelings whether she’s sick or not.”
“How were you and Kim able to figure it all out so quickly?” I said finally, mostly to take the heat off of me a little, but also because I was genuinely curious.
He laughed. “Quickly? She’s forty-three and I’m almost a decade older than her. I wish I’d found her when I was your age. But life doesn’t work that way. I’m just glad I found her now.” He shrugged. “And when I knew she was the one for me—well, I wasn’t about to waste any more time with being alone.”
I nodded. His words ran through my mind, over and over again during the drive home and the rest of the evening. That night, I refused to go in my office and drown out my thoughts with work when I seemed to come upon something valuable, something to think about.
Instead, when I hit the top of the stairs, I went into her room—that private sanctuary that I’d made for her. I sat on her window seat and watched the lights on the dark water, my throat tight, my head aching and heavy with thoughts. Glancing over, I saw a well-worn blue bandana on the night table. Picking it up and not knowing why, I brought it to my face, smelling it. Smelling her.
The scent washed over me and I closed my eyes, overwhelmed by feelings that I’d been steadily attempting to block out. The feel of her slight body pressing against mine for a hug, for reassurance, tucking her head under my chin. The way I’d lie next to her, my hand on her back to make sure she was still breathing. The shine in her beautiful golden-brown eyes when she was being particularly witty or funny. The pout of her luscious lips right before I kissed them. The sound of her heartbeat when I laid my head on her chest. The taste of her tears when I comforted her.
These feelings gripped me, held me hostage in this one point in time, assailing me with every memory from the moment I’d logged in to Dragon Epoch and first met her online as FallenOne to the last time I’d seen her, slowly, sadly tucking herself behind the wheel of my car and driving away. My eyes stung with unshed tears and I actually wept into that damn bandana. I missed her. I needed her. But I was still unsure of her.
And I had no idea if I ever could be.
***
The night before Peter and Kim’s wedding, we met at a nearby restaurant to share a quiet dinner as a family. I knew I’d see Emilia there for the first time in eight weeks and I was both excited and nervous to see her. I had no idea what she had gone through during her time away. I only knew how difficult my own journey had been.